It’s the first part of the Season 9 reunion of Real Housewives of New York City, and for those of you who don’t watch Real Housewives religiously (how dare you), that means it’s finally the episode where they all kind of have to admit the shit we’ve been saying about them all season. It’s kind of a Bravo tradition that the first installment of a reunion is never the most exciting one, but everyone was super annoying this season, so there’s sure to be tons of brutal callouts. Plus, the reunion is at the Angel Orensanz Foundation, which might be the sickest venue that a Housewives reunion has ever had. So like, if you get bored, just look at the nice décor. Idk.
Although reunions are generally a time in which the cast is supposed to show some level of remorse for an entire season’s worth of heinous actions, I’d just like to point out that Tinsley is clearly rocking a “NO RAGRETS” attitude towards her constantly criticized horrible style. Homegirl’s dressed like the damn teapot from Beauty and the Beast.
Ramona is the first one to take the hot seat. (Which, again, if you’re new to Housewives reunions, isn’t an actual seat. The couch seating plan is basically as carefully thought-out and rigid as the cafeteria layout in Mean Girls.) Although this betch is certifiably crazy, you have to admit that she looks totally incredible. *Lindsay Lohan voice* I mean, everybody looks great tonight. Look at Ramona Singer, that dress is amazing and those hair extensions must have cost thousands.
Anyway, Ramona’s like, perfect proof that looks aren’t everything, because her highlight reel is cringeworthy AF. She basically has to sit on a couch with six other women and watch video footage of them talking shit about her. Yikes. At least Ramona can agree that she was totally batshit all season, though.
Ramona: Seeing it on TV, it’s like, holy shit, who is that woman?
Next Ramona addresses her plastic surgery history and talks about how she’s had her eyelids done, laser sunspot treatment and a boob job. But like, there’s got to be some drug that’s only legal in the Southern Hemisphere, or something, because this chick does not look 60.
Ramona claims that she’s definitely not as bad as she looked all season, but Bethenny is obviously here with some serious tea. She calls out Ramona for not acknowledging her assistant in an elevator the night before the reunion taping and before B can even finish detailing the run-in, Ramona’s immediately like, “well, when you grow up abused!!” Bethenny goes off on her and I am thanking the Bravo gods that the peaceful makeup between these two didn’t last. This shit is way more entertaining.
Ramona: Well, why didn’t they say hi to me?
Bethenny: They were INTIMIDATED! You got your tits hanging out! Your crazy eyes! You’re a horror show!
While Bethenny is on a roll of going off on people, Andy asks her if she’d ever be interested in opening a friendship with Jill Zarin. Skinny Girl is not fucking having it. She calls Andy out for asking her the same question literally every Watch What Happens Live, Hanukkah, birthday, anniversary, and reunion and he just like, switches questions.
Side note: Every single Housewife is in a relationship right now. So yes, girls, you, too can grow up to blackout on every possible occasion and still find love. Bless up.
Next up on the chopping board is Dorinda, who was totally my favorite this season. (I know that journalists are supposed to be like, objective or whatever, but if the New York Times is allowed to straight-up be like “Yo, FUCK Trump,” then I think it’s okay for me to say Dorinda is my favorite, right?)
I kind of forgot about the fact that a big chunk of Dorinda’s storyline this season was focused on her feud with Sonja, because it was so effing boring. However, I’m pretty glad we got to see the “CLIP! CLIP! CLIP!” clip again, because it’s definitely a phrase that is going to go down in Housewives history.
Dorinda tries to explain what that actually meant, but the truth is that it was basically just nonsensical, drunk word vomit.
Dorinda: I couldn’t stop the verbal waterboarding.
Dorinda had some pretty legendary one-liners this season, including referring to Sonja’s vagina as the Holland Tunnel. LOL. Sonja starts to try to defend her Holland Tunnel, but everyone cuts her off because we all know there’s really no point in that.
A viewer sends in a question asking Dorinda if she finds it hypocritical that she always calls Sonja out for being drunk all of the time, even though she is usually so smashed herself that she needs subtitles. Dorinda’s just like, “nah, I don’t pretend that I don’t love to drink, like Sonja does.” And, THAT, my friends, is why she is my favorite Housewife this season.
The final Housewife to get roasted this episode is Luann, and I’m actually concerned that I might have pulled an extraocular muscle rolling my eyes during this part. She basically just goes on her typical marital bliss rant, which is just so sad to watch because we all know that she just recently announced that she’s divorcing Tom.
Luann: Right now, I like being Luann D’Agostino
Literally everyone else: Um… right now? Not forever?
BTW, apparently Luann is wearing the dress from her wedding rehearsal dinner.
It’s finally revealed that Sonja did in fact receive a save the date to Luann’s wedding, but then she started talking shit in the press about good ol’ Lu, and the former Countess held back the real wedding invitation. So, even though Sonja is totally nuts, she wasn’t lying about the fact that she technically was invited to the wedding.
Andy: Has anyone heard anything about Luann and Tom since they got married?
Everyone goes silent. Lol, yikes.
Bethenny goes off on a tangent about how talking about Tom’s “indiscretions” is basically as pointless as talking about Trump’s tweets, which is a pretty valid point.
As far as the first part of reunions go, this one wasn’t totally horrible, I guess.