This week’s RHONY was all about politics, which is annoying AF because I’m pretty sure that the whole point of ridiculous reality TV is to distract us from real life. Like, November was more depressing than My Dog Skip, so why tf are we reliving this shit? Once was bad enough. Can we just watch Sonja self-implode please? That’s what we’re here for, Andy.
Carole, who is wearing a jacket that could only have been made from the corpse of Sully from Monsters Inc., is very, very hopeful that Trump will not win. #IfOnly.
She says, “Men like Trump are a dime a dozen in New York,” so like, maybe she should start going to some different clubs or something, because never in my 25 years on this planet have I ever met a fuckboy so fuckboyish that he just grabs my vagina and tells me his dick is YUGE (in all caps of course) all while wearing a toupee blowing in the wind. Anyone? Bueller? Maybe I’m just #blessed. Idk.
Ramona is planning to celebrate her 60th birthday for an entire month, because of course she is. She keeps saying “I never knew turning this age I would look so good and feel so good,” as she’s getting an entire layer of her face lasered off. I mean, whatever works. I’ll give it to her, she’s totally right when she says that she has more energy than women half her age, because she makes me look like I’m been on a Xanax bender for the past week. Has anyone ever seen her blink?
Carole tells her mom that she wants to introduce her to Adam because she’s “shacking up” with him. Aren’t they like in a committed relationship with pets and shit? Or does being however old Carole is mean you have to introduce your parents to your casual hookups? Because if so, I’m out.
Next, we see Sonja on a date with Rocco, the one of her two boyfriends she’s not sleeping with. Rocco starts talking about Sonja’s recent vacation to France that he totally stalked on Instagram, and Sonja responds like a legendary betch.
Rocco: You looked like you were having fun over there.
Sonja: I was.
Side note, this show has kind of turned into a bunch of old people talking about social media outside of social media, but I still love it.
Sonja always seems to be getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to dating, but I literally live for her descriptions of her relationships. “I’m sleeping with Frenchie and I am not sleeping with Rocco. There’s guys you sleep with and there’s guys you marry.” Clearly, she’s got this all figured out. And good thing Rocco is like, 100, and probs goes to bed at 7, because I’d be fucking pissed if the person I was dating was also dating someone else and I was the one not getting laid. Smh.
Then, Dorinda and Luann hang out in like, a men’s clothing store or something. IDK, to be honest I totally glazed over this part because now that the meat of the Tom drama is mostly over, Luann’s screen time kind of feels like a good time to
go get a snack chug half my fifth of vodka. Luann’s life is definitely headed downhill now that she’s losing her title, which is perfectly symbolized by her cracked iPhone screen. Like, figure it out, Lu.
Finally, Election Day happens and Carole’s excited to not have to yell at the TV anymore. Oh, honey, if only you knew how wrong you are.
It took like, half an hour for Bethenny to show up to the show, which is total bullshit. Everyone knows B carries this franchise on her skinny back and I will not accept this kind of programming. Anyway, she’s hanging out with some new friends who she describes as follows:
“They’re smart, they’re nice, it’s not going to be a shit show.” —Everyone’s famous last words before the whole squad turns into a shit show.
Yo, B. This isn’t C-SPANN. Bring your trashy friends. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!
Bethenny and her
lame-ass drama-free group of new friends all head to Carole’s election night party, which was basically as sad to see as all those viral stories about children’s birthday parties that nobody attends or old people who get stood up on dates (never forget Sad Papaw).
Carole tells her mom she’s gonna go day drink once she hears the election results. Honestly, regardless of your political beliefs, daging is always a good idea. Instead, Carole has to go watch Ramona try on birthday dresses. Honestly if one of my friends made me cancel my day drinking plans so I could watch them step in and out of a dressing room, that would be the end of the friendship for me.
When Ramona looked at herself in the mirror after trying on a freakum dress, she literally looked like she just gained the ability to see. Tbh, this whole scene is like with Samantha Jones tries on that sequin dress in the SATC movie and the store lady reads her for filth and asks “isn’t that a little young?” I mean, come on Ramona. Don’t be a try-hard.
Carole almost totally ruins Ramona’s surprise party by literally talking about her birthday and saying “I thought it was a surprise.” Thankfully, Ramona was too busy talking about her sex life and Vegas, so she probs missed it. Ramona talking about her sex life is kind of like vegans talking about being vegan: She literally has to bring it up every 15 minutes or she dies.
Tinsley got dressed into a nude and white floral flower girl dress for a little black dress party, which would never be an issue if she was a true betch because she would just be wearing all black anyway.
Dorinda’s like, freaking out because Ramona might not show up to her own birthday party because she has a date. Ramona always makes two sets of plans because remember, she has soooo much energy for a 60-year-old. Just fucking ask her. Usually I’m pissed if I have even one set of plans so this is super bizarre to me.
Sonja is pissed that Harry (the guy who proposed to her but cheated on her, if you’re having a tough time keeping up) is there because the rest of the cast apparently can’t find any other people to hang out with in Manhattan. This is essentially the rich white people’s version of why Kristen and Jax are still part of the Vanderpump Rules crew.
Sonja says, “Harry’s like the itch I cannot scratch.” To which I say, umm maybe you should get that checked out Sonja? That sounds nasty.
Ramona decides to invite her date to the party, but she can’t remember his name (same tho). Is she turning 60 or 100? “George!! His name is George!!” Like she was literally more surprised to learn her date’s first name than to show up to a surprise party. Maybe she was blacked out. Whatever. She basically ignores him the entire night, which is also me.
Tinsley and Sonja are butting blonde spray-tanned heads because Tinsley isn’t waiting on Sonja hand and foot. Honestly, I love the way Sonja sees the world. It’s basically like Regina George in a few decades. What an inspiration.
Everyone thinks Bethenny should have done a drive-by to the party, which she didn’t attend because she’s pissed at Ramona for starting shit about naked pictures (isn’t that like off limits? I feel like Ramona’s probably minutes away from a nude photo scandal at the rate she’s been talking about her own tits recent). Selfishly, I wish Bethenny went too because it would have been more dramatic, but in the words of Lena Dunham, it’s liberating to say no to shit you hate, so I’m with Bethenny on this one.
Ramona literally has to ask Sonja if they’re in a good place, further proving that she doesn’t remember anything ever so that guy Gail—Gabe? Greg?—shouldn’t take it personally. Ramona really doesn’t want to talk about Bethenny, which is funny, because she keeps bringing up Bethenny.
Ramona: I don’t wanna talk about Bethenny.
Also Ramona: I just think it’s funny how…
Sonja’s obviously team B, but lets Ramona babble on because she’s nuts.
Lastly, they decide that Ramona’s birthday is a momentous occasion, even though they’re not sure if that’s a word and decide to Google it the next day. I just googled it for them and they’re all set. HBD Ramona.