This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City includes a ski trip to Vermont (are these bitches ever NOT on vacation?), but perhaps the trip that made them really feel out of their element was the one they took in the opening scene. Bethenny takes everyone to the Bronx for dinner at an Italian restaurant and immediately sets the tone for the episode.
Bethenny: I’ll need two bottles. These girls can drink.
And then one second later…Dorinda shows up hungover.
Bethenny then starts ripping on everyone and their outfits, but mostly Tinsley, who doesn’t know how to dress for anywhere besides brunch on the Upper East Side…in 2007. (Like, yeah, we all love Gossip Girl, but I’m shocked to see that she’s still dressed like it.) To B’s standards, the only one who was prepared for this lunch was hungover Dorinda.
The cast is planning a trip to Vermont, which obv leads to a conversation about how crazy Ramona is. This time, they get into an old issue about some Tipsy Girl alcohol being a ripoff of Bethenny’s SkinnyGirl from like, forever ago.
Of course, the whole thing leads to a brawl in a public restaurant. Sonja keeps trying to pull up some screenshot receipts on her phone and Dorinda exhibits literally every emotion on the drunk girl spectrum.
Carole: I gotta be honest, I love it. When Dorinda is bad, she’s so good.
Dorinda: Enough about going backwards! ASSWIPE.
Then, they all simmer down and some creepy old guy tells Carole that she looks like “Ivania” Trump. Lol, okay.
Tinsley goes to a therapist and talks about how much wine she has to drink to fall asleep, but definitely doesn’t think she’s at risk of alcoholism. She also has some interesting (read: boring) realizations about the type of men she’s into.
Tinsley: The type of man that my father was is the type I am attracted to in men.
That’s called daddy issues, Tinz. GROUNDBREAKING. Then, like any decent reality television therapy session, she then talks about how her trespassing charges have been dropped.
Then, the whole cast goes on a ski trip to Vermont, which is pretty exciting because everyone knows that all of the best Housewives drama happens on ski trips.
Bethenny actually invited Ramona. Because Ramona can’t be cool and has to be like, all uncool, she texts Bethenny some long-winded crazy shit to apologize on her way up.
Dorinda forgets all of her luggage in New York because she was too hyped up from getting laid and wants to call an Uber pick it up for her. Sounds reasonable.
Carole: Dorinda is the gift that keeps on giving.
Agreed. Dorinda is totally the best one this season.
Ramona finally shows up and Bethenny is already pissed upon hearing her voice for the first time. She literally shows up being annoying.
Dorinda: Ramona, do you have camel toe?
Ramona: I was in the car for five hours. I’m lucky I can walk.
That’s potentially the grossest line I’ve ever heard on Housewives…and I watch Jersey, too.
Ramona and Sonja then act like creepy little girls at summer camp and try to pick the best room together so they can snuggle. They basically end up pissing everyone off, because everything they do pisses everyone off anyway.
Then, Tinsley starts talking about how she’s “boy crazy.” Although her standards aren’t like, super specific, they’ve definitely tightened up since the last episode.
Tinsley: Are you a man? Do you have a job? Are you older than me?
Quick, somebody call TLC because we’ve got a new set of standards to adhere to.
Everyone starts giving Tinsley unsolicited dating advice and she starts bitching about the fact that Sonja is so controlling of her. Bethenny’s like, totally done hearing about this shit. Same tho.
Bethenny: Live with Sonja, follow her rules, or grow up and move out.
Tins then goes off about how she’s still not over her abusive relationship, to which Bethenny is like “been there, done that.” Tinsley tells Bethenny that she doesn’t really understand, because her abusive relationship was made public and B’s was not. As if Tinsley was at all relevant before this season and Bethenny isn’t actually famous. Riiiiight.
Anyway, everyone better start freaking TF out in the first five minutes of the next episode or I’m so over it. Ski trips are supposed to be insane and I’m disappointed so far.