One thing about Nicole Kidman: she’s gonna play a rich, beautiful, tormented woman. The new trailer for A24’s Babygirl just dropped and she’s already looking tormented by her hot intern. And because I would never turn down a high-budget limited series, I immediately binged Netflix’s Perfect Couple, where my favorite Aussie finds herself at the center of a murder mystery AGAIN. Is she scorned? Yes. Is her husband an asshole? Of course. Is there a dead body in the first episode? Absolutely.
At this point in Nicole’s career (and botox schedule), she looks more like a vampire than a real person. I’m sorry, but that is not a face that scrolls on TikTok for budget hacks. Her net worth is $250 million! We love an actor who draws inspiration from real life. To show my appreciation for her commitment to the bit, here’s a ranking of Nicole Kidman’s best performances based on how rich, beautiful, and tormented her character is.
~SPOILERS AHEAD~
View this post on Instagram
9. Moulin Rouge (2001)
Moulin Rouge is one of the very few times Nicole has cosplayed as a poor person. (But she was rich-person adjacent, so it still counts for my purposes!!) While her character Satine relies on her beauty to seduce wealthy dukes, it’s at the bottom of this list because she dies of “consumption” — which is very tormented but hardly glamorous because of all the hacking of the lungs and such. Get a cough drop! Last place.
8. Baby Girl (2024)/A Family Affair (2023)
I’m determined to rank Baby Girl and A Family Affair together because they’re basically the same character. Sure, the former is an erotic thriller, and the latter is a romantic comedy, but both of Nicole’s characters are MILFs who fall in love with a younger man because, apparently, that’s trendy af right now. I don’t care if the forbidden romance is with Zac Efron or Harris Dickinson; I’ve seen Nicole more tormented in an AMC theater.
7. AMC Ad
“Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this,” Nicole says with her whole chest. The pinstripe suit? The glimmer in her eye that hasn’t been crushed by late credit card fees? That woman is doing fine for herself. We know she goes to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, TO CARE. Let this woman take her check and go home to Keith!
6. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Only rich people attend masked orgies of an unnamed secret society, so we’re starting off strong with Eyes Wide Shut. But points are lost over lack of torment as the only thing Nicole’s character is tormented with is having a neurotic husband who may or may not be bad in bed — am I talking about Tom Cruise’s character or Tom Cruise himself? I’ll never say, hehe.
5. Nine Perfect Strangers (2021)
Nine Perfect Strangers takes place in a boutique health-and-wellness resort where Masha is the resort director with a “Russian-American” accent that is as believable as Nicole Kidman actually going to an AMC theater. She basically drugs her guests with shrooms, and they get mad about it (even though it’s free shrooms?!). Since she’s basically ~the help~ in this show, I’m gonna have to give it 5th place.
4. Big Little Lies (2017)
Nicole’s character is clearly tormented after — SPOILER — hiding her husband’s murder. But he was a bad dude, so she shouldn’t feel too bad about it. I’m more concerned with how little she flaunts her crazy amount of wealth! What do you mean your kids are going to public school?? Fourth place.
3. Expats (2024)
This bitch loves a miniseries. In Expats, Nicole plays the affluent Margaret, an American expatriate living in Hong Kong, when “tragedy befalls her family.” When is tragedy not befalling this woman’s family?! Scores across the board for rich, beautiful, and tormented.
2. The Undoing (2020)
Get this woman an Oscar for nailing the suspicious wife yet again. Nicole plays half of a successful New York couple whose life becomes undone when her husband is accused of murdering his young lover. When will her characters find a good man?! Second place for the coats alone. God, what beautiful coats. Now, that’s how you spend generational wealth.
1. The Perfect Couple (2024)
One of my coworkers called Perfect Couple the poor man’s White Lotus, and that sat right with me. This mini-series takes place in Nantucket, where rich people love to talk about how they voted for Obama in 2008. “They’re rich, kill-somone-and-get-away-with-it rich” is an actual line in the show, and if there’s one thing Nicole can do right, it’s exist at the center of a murder mystery that was originally a novel. Her character Greer is rich, beautiful, and oh-so-tormented when her son’s wedding is fucked up by the death of her husband’s mistress. This is the most Nicole Kidman I’ve ever seen. Her accent? A blender of British, American, and Australian. Her husband? Unfaithful. Her butthole? Waxed, bleached, and tight af. The title sequence includes a full dance routine that has NOTHING to do with the show. Beautiful. No notes. Enjoy first place, sweetie.
