I think it’s hilarious that leadership at every corporate organization, no matter how small or irrelevant, loves to compare the tedium of our day-to-day jobs to the high-stakes pressure cooker of the NFL. They’re always like, “Okay, team, we need to huddle up and execute some block and tackle strategies so we can dominate Q4. This is ours to lose!”
Like, betch, be fucking for real, we do PR for a baby food company. But if pretending to be Bill Belichick helps you delude yourself into thinking you’re professionally fulfilled and distracts you from your impending divorce with your cuck husband Phil, who am I to judge?
If we really were a football team, and not a group of doom-scrolling 20-somethings on Lexapro, we would need a mascot. But do mascots actually make good coworkers, or are they too focused on pursuing their own glory to be team players?
Let’s take a look at some of the NFL’s most famous furry phenomena to decide who you should invite to go to Just Salad with you, and who’s most likely to slit your throat with a staple remover.
10. POE
When Poe first meets you, he’ll hit your friendly, emoji-laden Slack message with a terse, one-word response and you’ll assume he hates you. But as time soldiers on, once you earn Poe’s trust and respect, he’ll become your number one ally and your go-to person to text under the table when your boss mispronounces “epitome” in front of everyone at an all-hands.
9.T-RAC
T-RAC is what blowhard business articles call a “coffee badger.” He rolls into the office at 10:30, grabs a coffee and slaps some high-fives, then sneaks out around noon for a “lunch meeting” before heading back home to finish his work with a couple of Coronas. You and T-RAC have nothing in common except for your shared interest in pursuing the path of least resistance so you can both be done by 5, and you silently appreciate each other.
8. BILLY BUFFALO
Billy Buffalo would never backstab you intentionally. He would, however, unwittingly reveal to your work nemesis that you’re taking interviews at a rival firm, because he’s genuinely oblivious with no capacity for corporate subterfuge. In this way, he’s a liability, but he can become an asset if you feed him fake information designed to create chaos and confusion. 4D chess, people!
7. JAXSON DE VILLE
This motherfucker is definitely a douchebag creative director who thinks he can turn water into kombucha with his limitless mind. He preaches that “good ideas can come from anywhere,” but what he really means is “good ideas come from me.”
6. SIR PURR
Sir Purr means no harm, but he is one of the dumbest people you will ever have the misfortune of working with. He’s easily frazzled under pressure, and no matter how many times you teach him how to make a Google Drive link public, he’ll always still send it as “restricted access.” It’s often easier to compensate for his learned incompetence by just doing his assignments yourself, so while he isn’t directly trying to undermine you, he’s sabotaging your time and sanity.
5. BIG RED
A proud personality hire, Big Red has mastered the art of doing the most while doing the least. He rephrases what you said in meetings like a high school student in a mandatory discussion board and leads performative ERGs on topics like “mindfulness” for the sole purpose of increasing his visibility in the org. Are the donuts he brought in poisoned, Logan Roy style? Better safe than sorry.
4. CAPTAIN FEAR
Forget about backstabbing. . .Captain Fear is literally wielding a sword and will front stab you any chance he gets. He’s the type of guy who says the phrase, “I’m gonna be brutally honest,” during review season and it’s like, why? How about we just be tactfully honest?
3. FREDDIE FALCON
Freddie Falcon is so quiet that you forget he works at the company, except for once a year when he croons “Santa Baby” at the holiday party. That said, those soulless, unblinking eyes see everything, like when you made out with Brian from legal in the bar bathroom. Information is power, and Freddie is rolling in it.
2. SOURDOUGH SAM
Sourdough Sam is that insufferable boomer in the office who thinks you should be paid $30,000 until you’re 45, because his generation was blindly loyal and never learned to negotiate. If he’s in a position of power, he’ll be your top opp, and thinks the best way to reward his employees is with more work, not more money.
1. BROWNIE THE ELF
Spawned from Satan’s asshole, Brownie the Elf is a snitch, a snake, an imp. He’s the type of brown noser who reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homework, and somehow always secures a promo he doesn’t deserve during the off-cycle. From his shit-eating grin alone, you can tell this jabroni’s favorite workout is throwing bitches under the bus.
