Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.
Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna
fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:
AT ALI’S HOUSE
Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.
Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.
THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.
Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.
AT ROSEWOOD PD
Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.
Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?
The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.
Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.
Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”
The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.
Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.
Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.
IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD
The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you
slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”
Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out
ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.
Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”
Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.
Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.
AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m
on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.
This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:
Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?
Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.
I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.
LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.
We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?
The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.
The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.
Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.
And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.
Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?
Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?
Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!
Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?
Me watching all of this shit go down:
New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the
principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.
And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.
Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the
Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…
Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.
The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another
potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.
Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.
She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”
Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.
Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.
Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.
Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.
Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”
Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally
using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*
Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.
Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for
Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.
Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.
Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to
steal your man seduce Toby?
Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.
Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.
BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE
All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.
Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?
Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.
The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!