For centuries, religious scriptures have regarded patron saints as heavenly advocates, representing a place, particular craft, profession, class, family, or person. They pray for you and encourage you so that you may share in the joys of the kingdom of heaven. There is a patron saint to pray to for any misfortune or hope you may face. Though never formally confirmed or written in said scriptures by the powers that be, as true as the sky is blue, you know at least one of these saints is utterly unbearable to be around, such is the case with any large friend group.
Saint Matthew, the patron saint of bankers and tax officials? Wears Patagonia vests and lives in Murray Hill. Heard of Genesius of Rome, the patron saint of actors, comedians, dancers, and musicians? Makes Ben Platt look like a jock. Saint Eligius of Noyon’s patronage is “people involved with horses.” Kendall Jenner wishes. And then there’s Saint Anne, the patron saint of housewives. Bethenny Frankel is one cottage cheese dinner away from starting a smear campaign against poor Anne.
The lesser discussed patrons deserve their flowers as well, and it’s high time we acknowledge them: the patron saints of reality television.
