As we all know, black is the official uniform of both witches and betches (in the case of the Olsen Twins, it’s a little bit of both). It has been this way since the beginning of time, and will remain this way until we all upload our consciousness to the iCloud and colors don’t matter anymore because we can see both forward and backward in time. So in like, 2-3 years. Sadly, despite the long-standing tradition of black being the betchiest color, we have seen a rise in number of people out in public wearing rainbow and it’s embarrassing, to say the least. Rainbows belong on flags and in sherbet, not your outfit. Unless you’re 12 years old, please reconsider before dressing up like a My Little Pony character when you go out.
Sure, it’s spring time and a little bit of floral is like, fine. We all have at least one vintage dress for when we’re feeling slightly less dead inside, but stop trying to make rainbow happen. No, it’s not cute to dress like a Lisa Frank folder. You are a grown woman. Put on a power suit and some black sunglasses and lean the fuck in. Nobody is earning equal treatment in the workplace by looking like a 50s housewife. The reason we’ve been seeing so many more colors come back is probably because some nicegirl thought she’d be “creative” and come up with the new black. But guess what? There will never be a new black. Black is the only black. If we could wear black at our wedding, we would do that. At least we know everyone at our funeral is going to be chic because black makes everyone look good. Ugh, can you imagine having to watch some TTH in a full skirt with little unicorns on it mourn for you from Heaven? It would kill us all over again.
When in doubt, just take fashion advice from the French. French girls wear black on black whether they’re out with girls, on a date, or like at the dentist, and that is why they are always skinny and chic AF even while they subsist on freshly baked bread and gourmet cheeses. If you’re one of those girls that thinks wearing obnoxious colors adds “personality” to your wardrobe, then you probably have no personality. I mean, if you need to rely on Pantone to make you more interesting, you’ve probably got more wrong with you than just your fashion sense. And honestly if your personality matches any other color than the one of death, you sound like a nightmare to be around.
Black is always in, and anyone who thinks we need a replacement color every few years to be the new “hot” thing is wrong. That’s like saying ugly is the new pretty—no. Not to mention, can we stop making up names for colors every year just so the people at Pantone can keep their jobs? Serenity is a state of mind. It is not a color. Anyway. Wearing all black says “I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.” Covering your body in some awful combination of Play Doh colors says “I had trouble learning the alphabet and ate crayons until I was seven.” Clothes: Black. Hair: Blonde. It’s not that hard.
We’re basically here to assure you that black is the only color you need to take seriously. Don’t listen to anyone that tells you any differently. Stick to black and you’ll die chic AF surrounded by your skinny friends and family.
