This Rumor About Paul Ryan Is The Best Thing We’ve Heard All Year

By Betch Bader Ginsburg | December 15, 2017
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As a wise and noble prophet once said, “Middle fingers up, put them hands high, wave it in his face, tell him boy, bye.”

According to reports, Paul Ryan told his “closest confidants” that 2018 might be his last year serving as Speaker of the House. Lol cya wouldn’t wanna be ya. Also dude, you need better friends. If your absolute closest confidants are willing to sell out your secrets the second a reporter knocks on their door, imagine how bad this could get if they accidentally leak some nudes we don’t know about or let it slip that you made out with a hot dog.

Politico interviewed three dozen of Paul’s coworkers, aides, and friends, and literally not a single one of them said they believed Ryan would stay in Congress past 2018. I mean, duh. Who would want to be the leader of the most volatile combat arena since McGregor/Mayweather? Those Congressmen and women get petty af and thinking about being the punchable face to blame every major decision on gives me hives.

As Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan has been known for, quite frankly, lacking a spine or a moral compass, or a hairline that makes him look like something other than a cartoon vampire. Republicans and Democrats both think he sucks – Democrats because they think he’s too conservative, and Republicans because they think he’s not conservative enough. Damn, that’s so rough I almost feel sorry for him. Oh wait, no I don’t, because he wants to cut benefits and scale back Medicaid and healthcare for the poor and middle class. Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by Paul Ryan.

Ryan’s main obsession lately has been the controversial tax bill, which he has been trying to pass since the day he came out of the womb. After the first version of the bill passed in the House and Senate, DJ Pauly R got understandably cocky that the government was well on its way to completely passing his tax overhaul plan. The speculation of his retirement comes with the assumption that if Ryan’s tax bill does actually make it to Trump’s desk before Christmas, he’s definitely trying to peace the fuck out while he still looks successful. I respect this, not as someone who is objectively looking at the integrity and tenacity of a lawmaker, but as someone who also likes to leave every room on a high note before people realize I basically wing everything on the spot.

It’s not a done deal, though, and now that some Republicans are starting to express doubt about the bill, Ryan might end up getting stuck in his Groundhog Day loop for a few more years, repeatedly squawking “lower taxes for the rich” until his little pointy head explodes. At a press conference Thursday morning, Paul tossed a quick “no” over his shoulder when asked if he was planning on leaving soon. How revealing, how eloquent. That’s also not what three dozen of your closest friends seem to think, but it’s ok, you’ll get there.

Actual footage of Paul Ryan leaving the press conference:

Presumably, Ryan also wants to try to distance himself from anything to do with Trump. He accepted one too many late night booty tweets, and got a little too chummy with Trump, which has been a major contributing factor to some of the criticism surrounding him. Plus, the Speaker of the House is second in line if both the President and Vice President get impeached or removed from office, which probably wakes Paul from his upside down cave slumber in a cold sweat every night because, honestly, it’s not too crazy of a possibility at this point.

Of course, this is all just a rumor as of right now, and Ryan may decide to stick around and toss some more matches onto the garbage fire in Washington for a few more years, seeing that he gets re-elected in the 2018 midterms. I hope he does take retiring seriously, not only because I’d love to see him slither as far away from any Congressional influence as humanly possible, but also because then he can spend his free time doing what he loves – living in Wisconsin with his family and getting swole. Obviously.

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