BYE VIRGO SEASON! Here come the Libras to keep everything fair and balanced…just like FOX News! Even though it’s still like, definitely summer outside, the arrival of October next week has us feeling extra spooky and embracing sweaters. Who cares if I’m sweating through it? Let me live my best life, k? Speaking of, everyone is thriving this weekend so long as we avoid fights over fridge leftovers, watching the news, and fast food. Thanks, planets, for helping me map out my agenda. Check out your weekend horoscopes below.
Libra
The best vibes are all yours this weekend, Libra. You’ll be feeling extra social, charming, and sexy all weekend long, so f*cking own it. Head out somewhere with friends where you’ll see and be seen, like that late-night bar where D-list celebrities tend to hang. So long as you don’t overdo it with drinking on Friday and Saturday, the weekend will be smooth and fun.
Scorpio
It’s a great weekend to get in touch with your spiritual side, Scorpio. That may seem weird, but really it just means you should sign up for meditation. Pay a lot of attention to your dreams this weekend and listen to your gut. If you end up going out with friends and have immediate feelings about that guy your BFF is telling you about, share them. You’re intuition is spot-on through Sunday.
Sagittarius
You’re a ray of sunshine this weekend, Sagittarius. Your social gathering center is revving up, which means it’s prime time to get social with friends and/or family. Head out to the farmers market so you can feel extra hipster and crunchy. Then, drink your weight in mimosas at brunch. Literally nothing will bring you down this weekend.
Capricorn
You’re feeling moody, Capricorn. Take the weekend to chill out, since everyone and everything is pissing you off. Be aware of your feelings and try not to jump down anyone’s throat unless they, like, really deserve it. Saturday calls for sleeping in, ordering waffles for delivery, and binge watching Property Brothers so you can make fun of the terrible design choices happening there.
Aquarius
Time for some f*cking adventure, Aquarius, and that doesn’t mean trying out the Extra Hot flavor level at your favorite Thai restaurant again. That isn’t adventurous, it’s masochistic. Head out of town with your partner or bestie and do some low-key exploring. The moon is pushing you to explore sh*t, so listen to the planets for once and get out there.
Pisces
Time to get sexy, Pisces. Your intuition and feelings are on high alert all weekend, so it’s a great time to get closer to your partner or explore a new romance if you aren’t paired up. Break out some fuzzy handcuffs, chug some wine, talk about the future (within reason) then get weird all day Saturday. Take a breather on Sunday and cuddle up to watch some murder documentaries on Netflix. Nothing brings couples together quite like watching people try to solve a murder.
Aries
Focus on relationships this weekend, Aries. It’s a prime weekend to get closer to your partner, whether it be a weekend getaway, dinner out, or just a staycation in your own city. If you’re single, head out on Friday night for the best chance at a connection. Note: said connection is less likely to happen if you’re pounding vodka sodas, trying to get blackout, and lamenting that it’s been months since you got laid. Suck it up, put on your game face, and get the f*ck out there.
Taurus
Even though it’s officially winter body season, it’s time to take a long, hard look at your health habits, Taurus. Focus this weekend on eating salads, chugging water, and finally pushing yourself to check out that yoga class. We know that pizza and terrible Chinese food have their beloved place in your heart, but it’s high time you thought about the future and your arteries.
Gemini
It’s a great f*cking weekend to be a Gemini, and you need to indulge in that sh*t. You’re feeling sexy, gorgeous, energetic, and creative this weekend, so this is not the time to hang out around the house in your bleach-stained college sweats. Take one of those wine and painting classes with a friend on Friday, then head out for drinks with coworkers you don’t hate. Make special time for your partner or bestie on Saturday and be as social as possible. Top it all off on Sunday by inhaling tacos and wine as a reward for being you.
Cancer
‘Tis the weekend for home and family, Cancer. Concentrate on straightening your nest this weekend. Go ahead and buy those new curtains you’ve been eyeing to freshen up your space. You earned it. Saturday calls for a home-cooked meal, courtesy of your slow cooker or Insta Pot. You’ll head into Sunday feeling relaxed and refreshed, so long as you don’t neglect the chores that have been on your to-do list for the last three weeks.
Leo
Try not to be argumentative this weekend, Leo. You have a knack for always wanting to be right, and, while that’s great and all, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are not the time for it. You’re in a great planet position to learn new sh*t this weekend, so go ahead and sign up for a cooking class or hot yoga class if you’re into that. Sunday is ideal for a short trip outside town, so take some time for yourself to grab a glass of wine and go antiquing. That’s what all the cool kids are doing.
Virgo
Time to look at your finances, Virgo. You’ve been putting it off, but Saturday is a good time to finally open the banking app and see just how much damage you’re doing week to week on wine, nachos, and other important food groups. You may need to readjust your outlook, so meet with a financial advisor or talk to your Dad and see if he’ll give you $20 to cover alcohol next week.
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