Nick Viall To Continue Whoring For Fame After 'Bachelor' Gig

Rounding out the list of hoes from this season of The Bachelor who ain’t loyal is *drumroll please* none other than the Bachelor himself, Nick Vile Viall! That’s right, yesterday it was announced that Nick Viall is competing on Dancing With The Stars season 24, which raises a few issues. Number one, how has this show been around for as many season as I’ve been alive? Number two, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Seriously, Nick? It wasn’t enough for you to be on TWO seasons of The Bachelorette, then one of Bachelor in Paradise, then steal the Bachelor gig from American hero and national treasure Luke Pell—NOW you have to go on Dancing With The Stars? How fame-hungry are you? I can’t believe Taylor accused Corinne of being here for the wrong reasons when all along, the only person there for the wrong reasons was THE FUCKING BACHELOR. Why do I watch this show? I would like to personally petition Mike Fleiss to return the many hours of my life I have wasted watching this season of The Bachelor. 

Why Corinne

What makes this even worse—aside from the fact that we’ll all be forced to watch this lysping Walmart-brand Ryan Reynolds not only exist, but attempt to dance—is the potential double standard in play. One of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s fans asked why she never did DWTS and her response had more shade than an average episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

Yes, thinking emoji face indeed. This is a strange reversal in position, to say the least. Betches has not reached out to Fleiss for comment, so I think it’s within my bounds legally to wildly speculate as to how Kaitlyn wasn’t allowed to compete on DWTS (sexism), while Nick is not only allowed to do so (sexism), but is celebrated for it (sexism again). So here are some conspiracy theories totally plausible explanations:

1. Nick Viall has footage of Mike Fleiss committing a brutal murder, and threatens to release the footage unless Fleiss gives him whatever he wants, in perpetuity.

2. Mike Fleiss has a big, lesbian crush on Nick.

3. We’re all being punished for speaking ill of Nick.

4. This is all just a cover for Nick to actually show up on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette.

5. Sick of having to comfort these idiots season after season while they blatantly disregard the rules, Chris Harrison is purposefully sabotaging the Bachelor franchise in order to get out of his airtight contract. He has invented a mind control device and Mike Fleiss is unknowingly under Chris Harrison’s spell, doing the exact opposite of what’s in the best interest for his own show.

I could go further, but I think it’s time to stop because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and this is what I look like:

Pepe Silvia

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I didn’t read any spoilers, I promise, but I think we all know Nick is probably going to pick Vanessa. Honestly, these two famewhores deserve each other. I wish them a lifetime of happiness and laxative tea sponsorships.

I think I speak for all of us when I say Nick should just go back to Chicago and leave us alone forever, because I did not leave the South Side for this.