Have you emerged from your Christmas food coma yet? Good, because the next important winter holiday is right around the corner. You guys aren’t dumb. I’m talking about New Year’s Eve. Personally I think it’s very rude that Christmas is always the week before New Year’s, because I gain five pounds off eggnog and ham, only to have to lose it all to fit into the sparkly dress I’ll wear for a total of four hours before never taking it out of my closet again. I’m not one for planning ahead, so it shocks me every year when New Year’s magically happens on the same day it always happens, and I look in my closet and have nothing to wear. Well, no more. My resolution last year was to think more long-term, so this year I’m buying my NYE dress a full, like, five days in advance. If you are as into planning as I am, I’ve found New Year’s Eve dresses on Amazon Prime that will arrive in time for you to (not) get kissed at midnight.
1. Mixfeer Women’s V Neck Long Sleeve Sequin Bodycon Cocktail Party Club Evening Mini Dress
It’s got a product name longer than my will to make it to 2018, but this is a pretty good dress for $26 (with free two-day shipping). The long sleeves will keep you warm-ish while you stand in line for whatever overpriced club you’re going to, and the sequins are v festive. This comes in dark blue, emerald, red, and black, so you can choose whatever color sequins best suit your hair color/skin tone. I’ll be honest, this dress *may* look a little costume-y, at least in the pictures, but wherever you’re going is dark, and this isn’t an episode of Project Runway so I doubt anyone will notice or care.
2. PattyBoutik Women’s Off Shoulder Twin Set Floral Lace Dress
If you’re more into lace than sparkles, this dress has a trendy off the shoulder cut for a little sex appeal. It comes in a variety of colors, and apparently comes in two pieces—the see-through lace and the opaque slip—so you can really slut it up if you want to. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but the option is there for you.
3. Doramode Womens Spaghetti Strap Bodycon Sleeveless Backless Velvet Sexy Short Club Dress
This dress right here is a fucking winner. It’s velvet, which is v appropriate for the winter. It’s slutty without being overt and features a tie-up back and bodycon fit. It is available in 16 colors, AND it’s $11 (and up, but it only goes up to like, $15). Yes, you read that correctly. 11 dollars. My coworker owns this dress in green and I can personally attest that it looks fire.
4. Zeagoo Women Sexy Lace Sheer Bodycon Sheath Mini Party Cocktail Dress Two Pieces
New Year’s Eve is the one night a year where a girl can dress like a total slut and nobody can say anything about it. Wait, that’s not right. Irregardless, this two-piece dress comes in red, white, and black, and allows you to show off a different body part than I’d wager most girls at the club will be baring. But just know that if you still have good abs at this point in the winter, I personally hate you.
5. CoCo fashion Women’s 2017 Off Shoulder Side Split Slim Evening
IDK, I thought I’d switch it up a bit with a maxi dress for all of you who promise to be less extra in the new year, but will be back to your extra ways on January 1st at 12:01am. This one is still pretty sexy despite being floor-length, with a big side slit and off the shoulder neckline. It’s also under $20, so if you don’t like it, it’s not like you spent a ton of money on it. I feel like that’s the motto with Amazon clothing in general.
Go find your friend’s ex-boyfriend’s roommate with a Prime account and get shopping, and remember to read the sizing guides very carefully.