Neptune’s Got Me All Confused: Weekly Horoscopes September 9-13

What better way to start off Fall than with the Sun and Neptune battling it out for control of your brain? This week, these two celestial entities will be locked in a battle for dominance, leading to a lot of confusion, frustration, and general indecisiveness. Or, as I like to call it, Tuesday.


Honestly Aries, this week you’re just confused. What is life? Is there meaning to this world of ours? Is it all just chaos? What if the real White Claw shortage is society? You’re pondering life’s big questions this week, and don’t be surprised if you come away with less answers than when you started. And that’s okay! Indulge your curiosity, no matter where it takes you. Just be sure to go incognito before going down a Wikipedia wormhole on serial killers. That’s how you end up on a list.


Everybody is giving you their opinion on everything this week, Taurus, and it’s both confusing and annoying as f*ck! The Sun and Neptune are making it almost impossible for you to make any decisions this week, especially with everyone else buzzing in your ear. Tune out the noise and focus on what you think is best. Unless it’s your friend telling you not to text your ex (and get left on read) for the third Friday in a row. Always listen to that friend.


With the Sun in your house of domesticity and Neptune in your house of career, you’re equally torn between the desire to stay home watching Netflix with your cat partner, and burning the midnight oil to get a leg up at work. Schedule in some work and some play so that you can satisfy both your lazy side, and your boss bitch side. How often do you see those two in the same place?


You’re naturally an amazing caretaker, Cancer, which is why you tend to end up the group mom in social situations. Luckily for your friends, the Sun and Neptune are making you turn your caregiving abilities up to eleven this week. Unluckily for you, this puts you at risk for a burn out. Yes, you want to help Rachel send that breakup text to F*ckboy #3275, but you need to put a limit on how many drafts you’re willing to read. It shouldn’t take five hours to figure out how to say boy bye.


Are you connected with your feelings right now, Leo? Chances are you’ve been holding some sh*t back, and if you’re not careful it’s going to explode all over your next boozy brunch. Tear down some of those walls this week, Leo, and let a close friend know what’s up, or schedule a quick sesh with your therapist for guidance. Remember, everything comes out eventually. Usually after the third tequila shot.


Beware of drama in one of your close relationships this week, Virgo! Whether it be a fight with your significant other over where to get dinner (classic), or a fight with your mom about something that happened when you were five (even more classic), there could be tension in your inner circle. Don’t try to handle this situation on your own. Call in your most trusted advisor (aka the friend you know will text back the quickest) and talk sh*t out before making any serious moves. You’ll definitely regret blocking your own mom over DisneylandGate ‘95. Trust me.


You’re going to be faced with some questions about what kind of friend you are this week, Libra. Are you a helper, or are you an enabler who just tells their friends what they want to hear to avoid hurt feelings? Basically, this week will have you contemplating whether you’re a pusher (a person who pushes people) or a pusher (a person who sells drugs). If it’s the former, good for you! If it’s the latter, can I have your number try to figure out ways you can help your friends make good decisions, not just easy ones.


Hope you weren’t hoping for a quiet week at home with your Netflix subscription, Scorpio, because that’s not going to happen! The Sun is in your house of collaboration and Neptune is in your house of glamour and fame (nbd), meaning you’re basically the life of the party all week. Don’t be surprised if everyone starts hitting you up for happy hours, or if a former flame shows up at your door just begging to take you back. Embrace the spotlight this week and you can go back to being a hermit next Monday.


Demands in your private life might derail your professional life this week, Sagittarius, if you don’t keep an eye on things. With the Sun in your house of career and Neptune in your house of domesticity, it’s kind of hard to stop the two from colliding at least a little bit. Mitigate the damage by making sure you keep both parts of your life separate, i.e. no work emails after 6pm, and no texting during the morning meeting. Do that, and you just might make it out of this week without getting fired. Maybe.


The Sun and Neptune are putting you at risk of some major TMI and oversharing this week, Capricorn, so be careful what you say. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your last relationship (including the weird sex stuff) moments after meeting you. And this goes double for text. Remember: memories fade, but a screenshot is forever.


You can usually trust your intuition, Aquarius, but this week has knocked everything out of whack. Are they mad at you, or do they just seem that way over text? Is that guy at the bar your soulmate, or is he just tall and buying you drinks right now? This week, don’t rely on just yourself to find the answers. Call in a trusted advisor to verify where your head is at before making any rash decisions. Contrary to popular belief, shotgun Las Vegas weddings are still legal in the morning.


The Sun and Neptune are making you want clarity in your love life (don’t we all?), so now might be a good time for the dreaded “what are we?” talk. Sure, it sucks, but like ripping off a bandage, it eventually must be done. Give yourself some time to think about your own feelings, then once you know what you want, go in for the kill. Not that this conversation will kill you. It won’t. (Probably).

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.