All The Times We Were Smarter Than Kendall Jenner In Honor Of Her Birthday

It’s Friday, which means another week has passed where I’m forced to write about America’s favorite attention whores: the Kardashians. And by “forced,” I mean I willingly and gleefully volunteered for the job. Obviously. Anyways, in a shocking turn of events, I am not writing to spread rumors confirm more Kardashian pregnancies, and thank fucking god for that. I really don’t think I could take another pregnancy “leak” right before my weekend starts. I was already planning to blackout at 5pm sharp, and I don’t need the added anxiety of finding out a person whom I’ve never met and have no personal connection to Kendall Jenner is pregnant. Nope. Can’t do it. I’m actually writing, because today is Kendall’s birthday! *Feels journalism degree slowly withering away and dying* Kendall, aka the skinny one with the personality of a stapler (I know, I paint a vivid picture, don’t I?), is 22 today. I could have sworn she was closer to 30? But maybe that’s because I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes for longer than all of Kylie’s plastic surgery procedures combined, so yeah, Kendall feels fucking ancient to me. And since it’s Kendall’s birthday I figured we should celebrate the occasion the only way I know how: with a public shaming. My mother really raised a winner, didn’t she?

And what better place to begin than with her intelligence? So in honor of her bday, let’s talk shit about all the times we were smarter than Kendall Jenner, which was kind of a lot, tbh.

When She Chose Her Career

If you spend your valuable free time stalking these plagues upon humanity Keep Up at all, then you know Kendall has always been the timid, quiet one in the family. She has said multiple times how she, “hates the spotlight,” and, “loves eating,” and, “embracing her tomboy side,” which is why she chose International Super Model as her career path. Makes sense. It’s weird, because I’ve always said shit like how I, “hate workplace fluorescent lighting,” but, “love eating,” and, “embracing a life where I’m not homeless,” and felt a similar struggle when I declared myself a creative writing major. Celebrities, they’re just like us.

Kendall Jenner

When She Said She Couldn’t Read Good

I’m not going to say that was verbatim what came out of her mouth as an explanation for fucking up an introduction at the Billboard Music Awards, but I’m also not not saying that. Her actual introduction of 5 Seconds of Summer went something like, “um, oneeee…?” Which is barely English, let alone an introduction for which I’m sure she was paid millions to present. *internally screams* This is Betsy DeVos’ America, people, right fucking here.

Kendall Jenner Billboard Music Awards

When She Didn’t Lock Down Harry Styles As Her BF Even Though She Literally Had 1 Million Chances To Do So

So clearly she’s a lesbian. Because I don’t see another valid explanation for why she would let Harry Styles go just like that. Okay, so this might be a stretch seeing as how it was never actually confirmed that the two of them were more than just fuck buddies friends “hanging out,” but she was at one point in her life very close to Harry Styles, and now she’s very close to always being the single sister on the Kardashian family vacations. All I’m saying is someone fucked up here and it’s not the beautiful, talented human she had in her clutches for two plus years. Just saying.

Harry Styles Kendall Jenner

*whispers “she doesn’t fucking deserve you” under breath*

That Time She Compared Her Legacy To Dead Music Icons

Remember that one time Kendall and Kylie decided it would be a good idea to photoshop their faces and initials on top of pictures of dead musical icons like Biggie and Tupac and sell the offending result as a t-shirt for a casual $125 a shirt? And I totally almost bought one, because I’m trash? The girls claimed they were “deeply sorry” for their blatant attempt to make a profit off of cultural appropriation a t-shirt idea and that the designs “were not well thought out.” Uh, yeah. You can fucking say that again. I imagine a lot isn’t “thought out” in their lives, but then again, one of them is one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, and the other is slowly bleeding me dry one lip kit at a time, sooo who’s the real sucker here?

Kendall Jenner Tupac

When She “Graduated” From High School

Any sort of academic degree hand-delivered by Ryan Seacrest as a strategic attempt to raise ratings is fake news if I’ve ever seen it. The man has gelled tips IN THE YEAR 2017. Nope. I don’t trust it. We’ve already established that the girl can barely tell the difference between the numerical values one and five, and you think she passed California’s high school state exams? I may believe literally every other bullshit rumor funneled to the media by Kris Jenner and her minions, but I ain’t buying this one. Even my degree in creative writing sounds less fake than this shit.

Kendall Jenner Graduation Party

That Time She Thought She Found The Answer To World Peace

And, last but not least, we have the Pepsi can heard ‘round the world.’ Oh honey, baby, cookie, sweetie, what in the fuck were you thinking? I’m still not over the fact that she thought wearing a jean-on-jean ensemble and flaunting her white privilege a pepsi can during a riot as a show of breaking down race barriers and promoting world peace would go over well with, like, anyone. I mean, was Kendall the mastermind behind this campaign? That’s a hard no. I doubt that girl would know how to spell her own name without Kris Jenner whispering, “No, there’s two L’s,” in her ear. But, like, she did show up to set and for that we roast her, because any person with human eyes and who reads at a fourth grade reading level could tell what was up. Oh, Kendall. I’d say never change, but we both know you won’t.

Kendall Jenner Pepsi

Jesus fucking Christ. Well, at least you have an amazing thigh gap. Seriously, v jealous. Just keeping playing to your strengths, girlfriend!

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).