Katie Maloney & Tom Schwartz Want To Have Kids "Soonish"

Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz apparently celebrated their anniversary back in August, which I for one am impressed by, considering I didn’t think they would make it this long. But that’s not really why we’re here today—we’re here to talk about Katie and Tom having a baby. As we all know, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. So naturally, when the couple were asked about if there was a baby on the way, Katie said she’d like to have a baby with Tom “soonish”. 

That’s right, folks, two people with implied drinking problems and zero real jobs are going to be having a baby. Okay, I guess Katie is technically a waitress, so that’s like, half a real job between them. But what is Tom’s job? We all know he’s not really going to manage a restaurant with Lisa Vanderpump when he couldn’t even hold down the bar at SUR for five minutes. And don’t even get me started on the drinking. Look, I’ve seen my parents drunk enough times to recognize it (even if my mom claims she “doesn’t get drunk”, she “just has fun”), and not once has my dad called my mom a bitch or my mom said my dad’s dick didn’t work. Can you imagine how much therapy I’d have to go through? Not enough in the world, even on an A-list reality TV show on a B-list network salary.

Katie and Tom attended the premiere of Lisa Vanderpump’s documentary The Road To Yulin and Beyond (sidenote: what is this documentary?), where they caught up with UsWeekly. Katie gushed, ”We’re just excited for our future together, and planning to eventually have a family, and buy a house and all that.” Geez, what does it say about the LA housing market if a married couple is still renting a year after being married? *Makes mental note to never move to LA* Just kidding, I’d never go there to begin with.

But Katie did say that although they eventually want kids, “We kind of want to just enjoy married life, just being the two of us for a while.” That’s fair. I don’t think the Vanderpump Rules producers are equipped to handle a pregnant Katie (would she be more or less insane than Tequila Katie?), and Stassi would probably have a complete psychotic break if her best friend got pregnant before she even could find a boyfriend. Which, like, I can relate to.

So are Katie and Tom popping out a kid on this season of Vanderpump Rules? No. Thank god. But if the past seasons are any indication, we can expect to see Katie harass Tom about trying for kids on a near-daily basis, set an ultimatum, and then let him surpass that ultimatum for like, a year, before he finally realizes his only options are “try for kids” or “leave”. 

Anyway, congrats to the happy couple!