It's Ugly Crying—I Mean—Cancer Season:Weekly Horoscopes June 22-26

Welcome to Cancer season! Being that Cancer is the emo kid of the zodiac, don’t be surprised if you spend the next month fighting the urge to bust out the guitar and scream-sing about the one that got away. This hyper-sensitive time is perfect for examining yourself and your relationships, even if that means reactivating your LiveJournal and revisiting all your old bad poetry.


This Cancer season will be all about finding stability for you, Aries. Chances are there have been some destabilizing forces in your life lately (Miss Corona…I’m looking at you), but now is the time to get yourself back on solid footing. Or at least, semi-solid footing. Like, not quicksand.


If you’ve been ceding control to your partner on hard choices lately, that ends now, as Cancer season is giving you the strength you need to put your foot down. Yes, sometimes it is easier to just roll over and let your significant other put up their college Pink Floyd lady butts poster in your shared living space even though it reminds you of stale bong water, but some things are worth fighting for.


That conflict you’ve been avoiding? Yeah, that’s bubbling back up. Hard. You may have been hoping someone else would fight this battle for you, but it looks like you’re gonna have to take this fight into your own hands like a millennial Fa Mulan. Now go! Bring honor to your family!


This is your season, baby, so get ready for a journey. Your emotional strength is at an all time high, so don’t be surprised if this birthday month you’re given the gift of major personal breakthroughs. And hopefully like, some AirPods or some sh*t too.


Anything you need to apologize for, Leo? You sure? Cancer season might put some past bad behavior into perspective, making you realize an apology is in order. And I mean a real one, not the Notes app kind. Remember, it’s never too late to say “I’m sorry for laughing the time you got diarrhea at Barnes and Noble and I’m sorry for telling everyone about it and I’m sorry for repeating it now.”


Cancer season has you craving your crew, which means a socially distant and CDC compliant hang out is in order! Grab some to-go beers and meet up at a local outdoor location (or restaurant with outdoor seating depending on where you live!). And if that’s not an option for you just yet, there’s always Zoom. Good old Zoom…


While Cancer season is making everyone else relationship crazy, it’s asking you to do the opposite. It’s time to pull focus from your love live and move it to something else. Maybe there’s a project at work that could use the attention you’ve been devoting to deep stalking the girl your crush is quarantining with at the moment. (Hint: that’s his cousin Amanda.)


Time to finally take Lizzo’s advice and stop settling for people who don’t know your worth! Cancer season is all about connecting with yourself and realizing the badassness of you. It’s also about cutting loose anyone who hasn’t gotten the memo. How can you find Mr. Right if your DMs are clogged with a million Mr. Wrongs?


Boundaries…have you heard of them? If the lines have been blurred in quarantine, it’s time to reassert your independence. Or at least, try to curb some of that codependence. Not saying you have to go back to holding in your farts in front of each other (impossible at this point) but maybe sparing your partner every detail of your quarantine toe fungus could help bring back the romantic allure.


If you’ve been sitting on the sidelines waiting for your crush to come to you, now is the time to make the first move. You usually like to be the one that is chased, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way and you’re lonely af right now so why not say f*ck it and slide into those DMs? The worst that can happen is they don’t answer you, and then you can just delete the message and mute them as if they never existed.


Is there a burned bridge weighing on your conscience? Cancer season could be the perfect time to repair it. Remember, Aquarius, it’s okay to admit when you’ve f*cked up. Even if that means admitting you’re the one who lost your sister’s chocolate Uggs twelve years ago.


An old flame might pop back into your life in an unexpected way this Cancer season, but be sure to check in with yourself before responding. Is this someone you really want to reconnect with, or are you just on one of the “nostalgic” days of your menstrual cycle? It’s always okay to leave someone on read while you figure your own feelings out. Especially an ex.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.