Isolated AF: Weekend Horoscopes April 3-5

Welcome to April, where we don’t wear anything except loungewear, the sun stings our eyes, and drinking during work meetings has become the norm. What a time to be alive. Is there anyone out there honestly NOT feeling a deep, spiraling depression from this corona-quarantine situation? Does this mean we don’t have to get our summer bodies in order? That’d be a silver lining.

Anyway, the planets are not self-isolating and are demanding you make the best of the upcoming quarantine weekend. Shall we?


You’re itching to get creative this weekend, Aries, which is hilarious considering our current situation. In an effort to not go stir-crazy, get said creativity on by re-mixing an interesting recipe on Friday night for dinner. If you mess up, you can just order some delicious no-contact takeout. Sunday is all about rest and relaxation which, like, you’ve been doing all week. So I guess just do more of that.


You may feel some tension on Friday and Saturday, Taurus. We could chalk it up to the planets being dicks, or we could chalk it up to being quarantined and not allowed human contact for weeks. It’s a toss up. Anyway, by Sunday morning you should be feeling a little more Polly Positive, so get some weird chores done around the house (or just make your bed) and you’ll feel somewhat accomplished.


The moon in Leo wants you to learn and communicate this weekend, Gemini. Since human interaction is kind of off the table atm, we recommend an online class of your choosing. Learn about knife skills in the kitchen, how to solve murders, or how to cut your hair just like Joe Exotic. Saturday and Sunday are great for getting outside and keeping six feet between you and all other people while enjoying nature.


Take a long, hard look at your material possessions, Cancer. It should be a relatively easy task, since you’ve been staring at and will be staring at the items in your home for at least another month. Get out a box on Saturday and collect all the clothes and shoes you’ve stopped wearing, knickknacks you don’t care about, cooking sets you don’t use, etc. and stow them away for when you’re allowed out of the house to donate again. Then reward yourself with wine and vodka.


You’re feeling cheerful af, Leo, so you may as well spread it around. Call up your parents, FaceTime your besties, and post some cutesy Instas to spread the positivity without spreading the corona. Saturday night is great for coming back to you, snuggling up with a book, and not watching the news.


Step away from the craziness, Virgo. Whether you’ve been home quarantined or deemed essential and are in the workforce, take the weekend to breathe and relax. Don’t watch the news. Make a cake for yourself. Do that project you’ve been putting off. Call your mom. On Sunday, take your solitude outdoors and walk a nature trail before heading home and eating tacos or something comforting.


Connect with your SO this weekend, Libra, even if working from home with them has driven you up a f*cking wall. The moon in Virgo on Saturday makes you want to sleep in, snuggle, and let everyone around you know how much you appreciate them. These days, when the world feels like a movie, it’s important to pay it forward and make sure others feel as loved as you want to.


Work is really starting to piss you off, Scorpio. If you’re stuck working from home, use Friday night to power down your laptop and hide it so you aren’t at all tempted to check work emails this weekend. The best thing to do Saturday is to refuse to dedicate literally any time (or headspace) to work whatsoever. I promise it’ll be there when you get back on Monday. Use your weekend instead to write a sad haiku about isolation or try to binge watch all of Tiger King if you haven’t already.


The planets want you to try something completely new and weird this weekend, Sagittarius. We recommend hosting a wine chugging contest from your apartment balcony with your neighbors scattered around. It’ll be a great opportunity to get to know people at a safe distance. On Sunday, you can nurse your hangover by supporting a local restaurant via delivery.


Time to look at your finances, Capricorn. It’s a great time to make sure you have a safety net that isn’t mommy and daddy, since you’re like, an adult now. If you’re laid off thanks to #corona, make sure you’re set up with unemployment and taking count of all your money. Don’t buy stupid sh*t on Saturday no matter how great Madewell’s sales seem. If you have joint accounts with an SO, make sure they’re not spending unnecessary dollars on sh*t like Taco Bell, video games, or J.Crew sweaters. We only need loungewear going forward.


Time for some sexy sex, Aquarius. Friday night you should set the mood with some candles, pizza, and your nice loungewear—not the bathrobe with the coffee stains on it. Saturday should be spent in bed with romcoms and little to no clothing while you do all the weird sh*t you’ve always wanted to with your partner. It isn’t so much about feelings this weekend as it is just getting freaky.


Be careful about giving out personal info this weekend, Pisces. We know quarantine is a desperate place to be, but be wary of strangers stealing your info or people taking advantage of these scary times. Limit the online shopping for that reason, and use Friday night to catch up on some true crime docs before jumping headfirst into nature on Saturday a la a walk around your neighborhood.

Images: Maxwell Nelson/Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson