If you watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and have a pulse, then you’re probably as obsessed with Peter Kavinsky as we are. And by “Peter Kavinsky” I mean Noah Centineo aka the actor who plays him. First of all, I would just like to preface this article by saying that I’m not some bandwagon fan here. I’ve been following little Noah since his time on ABC Family’s The Fosters when he was called in to replace the kid from Wizards of Waverly Place and we all had to pretend that one of the series regulars suddenly had a new (hot) face and six extra inches worth of height mid-season. Having said that, by far my favorite Noah Centineo role has been as Peter Kavinsky. If you’ll recall, Peter is the popular, lovable jock who
PUT HIS HAND IN LARA JEAN’S BACK POCKET falls for nerdy Lara Jean when they decide to fake date each other. Never mind that I’ve been trying to recreate that exact scenario with a man for going on 10 years now, and all it’s gotten me is arrested… twice. But, fine, it’s chill. And after watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, I decided to do with Noah Centineo what I’ve done with countless tween heartthrobs before him: follow him on Instagram. And boy, did I learn exactly who Noah Centineo is: a thirst trap.
That’s right, I said it. Noah Centineo is NOT actually Peter Kavinsky, and his IG is photographic proof. I’m shocked and appalled
and a little turned on by the sheer amount of thirst happening on his feed, the likes of which have not been seen since Ariel Winter decided to take her first selfie. Let’s just say if he were a woman, The Daily Mail would be calling him out on their Snap story three to five days a week. So, with gender equality in mind, let’s take a look at Noah’s thirstiest photos, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: His Day In A Life Photos
Here we have a picture of shirtless Noah climbing a tree and playing with rocks and just generally being one with nature and looking like a goddamn snack in the process. SO CASUAL. He captioned this photo “loved this day so much”, which I guess is supposed to reassure us that he’s just a chill guy and fame hasn’t changed him at all. Your nipples on my news feed beg to differ, kid. I don’t believe for one f*cking second that, before he was famous, you could find Noah playing with rocks in an abandoned parking lot and bragging about it on Instagram. Please.
EXHIBIT B: Testing Instagram’s Nudity Policy
Once again, we have a half-naked Noah lying in rumpled bed sheets. He claims this is a professionally done “photo series” which is why there are poetry lines (and I’m using the term “poetry” here loosely, obvi) on these glorified nudes. As if this is a good enough explanation. I have a feeling the creative direction for this “photo series” went something like “hoe, but make it
fashion art.” This is a move straight out of the thirst handbook: semi nudity covered up with lyrics/poetry/random string of words that sounds sad but means nothing, AND I’M NOT BUYING IT BUDDY.
EXHIBIT C: Asking All Of America ‘U Up?’
I’m sorry, but did he just send me a “u up?” ON MY GODDAMN INSTAGRAM FEED?? Look, I get enough of this from my Hinge dates, I do not need to see this from the famous 20-year-old I’ve been backwards stalking for three months now. I just don’t. Here we have Noah posting a sad face selfie of a missed FaceTime, which all but incited a riot on Instagram, judging by the amount of girls commenting “I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP!!” Congratulations, Noah, you’ve succeeded in getting every teenage girl in America
and myself to emotionally masturbate to your missed call.
So there you have it: Noah Centineo is a thirst trap. The defense rests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to make that boudoir photo series the new background on my phone. BYE.
IMAGES: @ncentineo /Instagram (3)