Earlier this week Kylie announced that the queen herself, Kim Kardashian, is partnering with her for her next Kylie Cosmetics collab and millions of girls all over the country immediately started squealing into their Instagram feeds. Oh wait. That was just me. But does anyone else feel like Kylie is kind of just doing Kim a favor here? Kim really hasn’t done shit since the robbery except try and make extra long hair extensions happen. So either she finally got bored of pretending to “off” social media and decided to get back to actually working or Kylie got tired of Kim pretending to be poor on Instagram and decided to throw her a bone. Either way I smell a scandal.
And if Kylie is doing Kim a favor then does this mean that the student has finally surpassed the master? Is Kylie more popular than Kim? Did the ground just shake or was that just the reverberations of Kim ugly-crying into the abyss? Since this is apparently the year of realizing stuff I’ve decided to realize the shit out of this matter and launch a full-scale investigation. Please note: I don’t have a lot going on in my life rn, obviously. Now let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we?
1. The Collaboration Announcement Video
First and foremost we must address this video, which is possibly the most telling piece of evidence. First of all these bitches have more makeup artists than I do Tinder matches and it’s unsettling. But back to the announcement. Basically it’s just 32 seconds of them getting their makeup done and staring at each other, which isn’t that bizarre because I spend every Sunday watching them do just that on E! What is bizarre is that they appear to both be naked (?) and matching (??) and giving off these weird incesty clone vibes that I was not prepared to see scrolling through my news feed at 8am on my commute to work.
Like, what the shit is this?? These two people have a 17-year age difference and yet they look exactly the same. Congrats, girls. You’ve officially creeped me the fuck out, which is kind of a hard thing to do seeing as I have an OkCupid profile and there are things you can’t unsee on there.
I guess them being naked isn’t that weird because, again, I watch them do this shit every Sunday but the matching thing is really throwing me off here because clearly one of them is doing it better *cough* KYLIE *cough* Is it just me or does Kim look a little haggard in that video? I, mean, she is standing next to Kylie who has enough silicone in her body that she’ll float when God inevitably unleashes another flood on us for watching these garbage humans, but Kim needs to get her shit together.
Kim also looks, like, so bored and Kylie looks like she low-key wants to strangle her for being such an ungrateful bitch. This face really just says it all:
Lol Kim is me at any family function. Like, no, I cannot get off my phone MOTHER. Jesus, can I live?? Meanwhile Kylie is over there trying to keep her eyes from rolling back into her head and telepathically telling Kim that she is one second away from giving this makeup collab to Kourtney.
2. Their Careers
I use the term “career” loosely because is making a living off of sex tapes and Instagram photos a real career path? No, seriously, is it? I’m, like, dying to quit my day job. Message me if you know! K. thx.
Though Kim’s career blossomed after her sex tape and the many
soft porn “couture” photo shoots that followed, her app is what really contributes to her 40 million dollar empire. Which makes me sad for both the human condition and also for me because I def spent $5.99 in the app store to go to that fashion shoot with Kim.
Kylie makes somewhere around 14 million off her social media presence and the basic bitches like myself who spend their paychecks on green fucking lip kits. *insert gun emoji here* Kylie is the second wealthiest member of the Kardashian Klan behind Kimberly of course, but you know what they say about second place: you’re still a loser. Sorry, Ky.
3. Their Men
On the one hand we have Tyga, a rapper who told us that “If you don’t got no ass, bitch, wear a poncho.” Wise words, thanks T. Ironically, his career is being funded by his on-again, off-again girlfriend aka the bitch who probably wore a poncho before all the plastic surgery. Kylie is, coincidentally, also his son’s sister’s aunt. Jesus.
On the other hand we have Kanye who has better taste in both music and fashion but also starts Twitter wars so there’s that. And clearly he loves Kim wayyy more than T loves Kylie.
Whatever, he did shade the fuck out of our arch nemesis T Swift once upon a time so… I guess… we’ll give this one to Kanye.
4. Their Instagram Followers
This is perhaps the most important factor because, as well all know, you are nothing without your
army of skanks Instagram followers. Real talk though, Kylie is the most annoying person on the planet to follow on social media. It’s just one giant ad space for plastic surgery and wigs. That being said, I am one hundo percent one of her 92 million followers. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.
Kim is only slightly ahead with 98.3 million followers. She’s currently doing this new thing where she pretends her life is, like, so average. From her grainy AF filters to the
cry for help natural makeup statement she’s making these days, it’s clear that Kim is despo for more followers. But watch your back, Kimmy, because Kylizzle is coming for you.
The Final Verdict
Kim’s still got it… for now. But something tells me Kylie’s one nude selfie away from dethroning the thirstiest bitch in Calabasas. Kim, you need to step up your game because as well all know one day you’re in and the next day you’re Kris Jenner. Choose your next move carefully.