Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.
I believe Tina Fey said it best when she said, “Hollywood is like a high school cafeteria. You have your Varsity Jocks, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, and of course, your Jesus Freaks.” And as it turns out, there are quite a lot of Jesus Freaks. I personally have no problem with religion or religious celebrities, but being the sweet, stupid souls they are, some tend to get themselves involved in cults like Scientology suspicious organizations. Call me skeptical, alright?
So a few weeks ago when I was bumming myself out over the fact that Chris Pratt has a new girlfriend that isn’t me and doing a deep dive into their dates for material to complain to my therapist about, I noticed that he and Katherine Schwarzenegger attended church together. And yes, it is the same church that Justin took Selena to during their brief reconciliation this year. So like, is this a thing now? Are the pews lined with cocaine and Playboy models? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only way they’d get celebs to attend.
As I began my Insta stalking research, I learned this organization is called Hillsong Church, and is a favorite of the Biebs, the KarJenners, and Nick Jonas. So what is it, exactly? And why are celebrities taking dates there instead of to like, Tao, or in Ben Affleck’s case, Jack-in-the-Box? Well today’s your lucky day, friends, because I’m about to give you the deets on this church that is most definitely, for sure, totally not a cult.
There’s A Hot Pastor
Is your church even cool if everyone doesn’t want to bang the pastor? Thankfully, Hillsong doesn’t have to answer that question because their pastor is hotter than any dude currently competing on Bachelor in Paradise (except Joe, duh). His name is Carl Lentz, and he co-founded the New York City branch of Hillsong in 2010. Let’s take a gander at that face that was perfectly crafted in God’s image. Like, perfectly. God chiseled that jawline Himself.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bjf3PzaH2_P/?taken-by=carllentz
I bet he doesn’t even need those hipster glasses to see. Show me your prescription, Carl. PROVE IT!
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ba6xmXkBhb1/?taken-by=carllentz
Not only is Lentz a regulation hottie, but he is also extremely close with Justin Bieber. He even baptized Justin in Tyson Chandler’s bathtub, and is his personal pastor. However, it is rumored they’re on the outs right now since Lentz did not publicly congratulate Justin on his fast and not at all rash engagement to the daughter of the Baldwin I’ve dubbed “most likely to be a serial killer”.
It’s In A Cool Venue
Have you ever been sitting in St. Patrick’s Cathedral and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish this religious service felt more like a concert”? Well then you’re in luck, because if you attend Hillsong Church you get to feel like U2 is saving your soul. Well, your soul and the souls of 2,000 others who think being a born-again virgin means “just the tip.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmesmviH3Z4/?taken-by=carllentz
The New York services are held in Hammerstein Ballroom, home to legends like David Bowie, Britney Spears, and Patti LaBelle, and now apparently to anyone who is looking to absolved of their sins by a man in skinny jeans.
The Church Is Welcoming To Everyone
Hillsong is a global pentecostal megachurch, which means that they adhere to the word of the Bible. Obviously, since the Bible is a text that was written a while ago, it’s not necessarily in step with the times. Pastor Hottie has publicly stated that the church believes that gay marriage and abortion are both sins. But as he explains in this excellent GQ profile, that doesn’t mean they don’t welcome everyone to their church, no matter what. I assume the “no matter what” part of that statement means “as long as they donate 100 grand and sign an NDA.”
Considering their congregation has a few DUI’s, a sex tape, some out of wedlock pregnancies, and the song “Pizza Girl” amongst them, I’d say it’s a good thing the church is forgiving of sins.
Pastor Hottie, is this allowed?!
It May Be Shady
As you may have guessed, any organization that encourages people to follow the teachings of one charismatic man may not have the purest of intentions. *cough* Charles Manson *cough*. Now I’m not saying that Hillsong Church is going to murder anyone in the Hollywood Hills, but Post Malone is saying that, okay? SUE HIM, YOU HEAR ME!? According to Post Malone, Justin donated $10 million to Hillsong, and he is now “super-religious” and “real culty,” which is what I said about my cousin when she got “John 3:16” tattooed on her lower back. Pastor Hottie disputed those claims from the personal spray tan booth in his gilded bathroom. I’m not sure who to believe, but in the church’s defense, Post is always tired and that’d f*ck up anyone’s ability to form a rational thought.
And that’s the deal with Hillsong Church! I hope all these celebrities really do have their souls saved by a hot pastor in Hammerstein Ballroom, and that the power of Jesus is so strong it cancels out the strategically timed nudes their publicist a hacker released.
Images: @carllentz /Instagram (3); Giphy (2)
Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.
