Money and friendship are two things that, when combined, can cause a lot of awkward moments. My friends and I are pretty open about our finances. We know how much each other makes, how much we pay for rent, and if we’re ever struggling financially. It works for us and helps build transparency and trust around us. But I totally get it if your friend group doesn’t function that way.
Money is an uncomfortable subject. It can be weird in full-blown marriages and within your literal family, so it’s no surprise that it might also cause a few unpleasant moments with your friends — even your closest friends.
Psychotherapist Jeannelle Perkins-Muhammad, Ph.D., tells Betches talking about money with friends can be a tricky conversation if not approached with empathy. “Who pays truly depends on the activity and the invitation,” Dr. Perkins says. “When one friend earns significantly more, both parties should discuss expenses openly, consider adjusting cost-sharing based on spending ability, choose affordable activities, or alternate payments.”
Neither the affluent nor the modest income wants to feel belittled or exploited, and maintaining balance and ensuring friends feel comfortable and valued are the goals. You and your friends will have different jobs, be in different places in life, and have different salaries. It’s possible that you might have friends who all make around the same amount of money as you, and it’s also very likely that there will be a stark difference in your financial situation.
You might think, “Well, that only affects their personal life.” Well, I hate to break it to you, but your friendships are part of your personal life. And while how much your friend spends on rent may have absolutely nothing to do with you, your money differences will come to light in the ways you guys interact with each other — the types of group vacations you can take together, how you show up for each other’s weddings, what they expect for birthdays. But it’s not just the bigger stuff — your money differences can affect something as minor as going out to eat.
Dinner with your friends is a sacred time. You talk about all the little things happening in your life or pour over every single detail about the big things. But without some established understanding, this really special time can get awful fast because of money.
In an ideal world, if you’re the friend who’s making a significant amount of more money than your other friends, you’d pick up the tab. But that’s not to say this should be the rule for all friend outings. If I were making a shit ton of money, of course, I’d want to spoil my friends. But I wouldn’t want the expectation to be that I’d take care of everything, either.
The best baseline rule to keep is that everyone pays for themselves. You split all checks, divide everything equally, and ensure everyone is responsible for their purchases. This may seem like an obvious solution, but there are a few things you need to remember about this, too.
✅ Make sure that you’re going out to generally affordable places for everyone in the group.
Splitting a check may seem like the fairest course of action, but if the restaurants you’re splitting the bill at are more of your richest friend’s speed, it can still cause some uncomfortable tension. I’m not splitting the bill at a restaurant where the pasta is $70!
✅ Everyone must understand that whoever makes the most money might want to do things differently.
Of course, it’s not fair for whoever makes the most money to expect everyone else to eat at restaurants they want or go on vacations of their standards. But it’s also not fair to expect whoever makes the most money to stop their plans to accommodate any friends who might be unable to afford them. This means understanding that this friend might travel, go out, and eat at places with other friends that aren’t you. You might feel left out, but that’s why it’s essential to check in with each other.
✅ Yes, it’s definitely awks to talk about money and what you can afford, but honesty is really the best policy.
The only way to make sure you’re not holding on to some sort of internal resentment is to talk to your friends whenever uncomfortable feelings come up. It’s going to be weird, but it’ll potentially save you a friendship in the long run. While everyone wants to spend their own money in whichever way they feel fit, you probably still want to find some way to make sure you and your friends can spend time together in a way that feels good for everyone.
