In my early twenties, I was in the kind of relationship where you find yourself acting as your partner’s PR rep. I explained their poor behavior to my friends and, more importantly, neglected to mention a lot of things. I knew if they heard the extent of it, my friends wouldn’t like my partner and would urge me to end the relationship. But like I said, I was in my early twenties and delulu enough not to realize what this meant.
One of the things I’ve never told my friends, even years after the relationship ended, is about the list I found. Yep, you guessed it, I found my partner’s list of pros and cons about me. The positive side was kind of short and included things like that I take care of him, that I’m a writer, and that I love him so deeply. I don’t remember it much, but I remember the negative side. Oh boy, do I. The disadvantages of, you know, being in a committed relationship with me were that I was jealous, needy, depressed, vain, sensitive, and many more delightful traits I’ll immediately be adding to my Hinge profile.
The list was lying beside his open backpack, from which it had seemingly fallen out at some point. I blamed myself for invading his privacy by reading it, and I stayed in that relationship for another year (I can hear you groaning through the computer screen; pls know I have very little self-worth). It’s been years since I spoke to that ex, but I still think about the words they used to describe me. They feel like the crossword clues to describe me, like the Scarlet A I carry into every new relationship. I’ve received compliments from partners, friends, and family, and I couldn’t tell you many of them (except that I have a great ass). But I can tell you all of the things that one ex wrote as reasons not to be with me.
I try not to think about this list too often, reserving it for bouts of hangxiety, situationship breakups, and sleepless nights in the sweatiness of summer. But watching season 7 of Love is Blind, I was forced to confront this thinly veiled trauma, as I witnessed Nick go through the same thing when Hannah made her own list about him. Let’s unpack the making and finding of “the pro/con list,” and whether it’s breakup material.
She’s not “Rachem”
It’s 1995, and the world is tuned in to season two of Friends. Well, all of the Millennials are, as I’m still a lil egg cooking for another year more. But best believe I’ve watched this show, and especially this episode, a LOT since I was evicted from the uterus. The audience is smelling the long-awaited end to the will-they-won’t-they of Ross and Rachel. But at this moment, Ross is debating whether to stay with his girlfriend, Julie or finally take a chance on his decade-long crush on Rachel. The lads suggest writing a list comparing the two. Literally, it is the worst idea ever: men should not be allowed to suggest things.
Ross starts with Rachel and lists things like “just a waitress,” “ditzy,” and “spoiled.” The real kicker is when he writes, “has chubby ankles” (Joey’s suggestion, and as a chubby ankle girl myself, fuck you, no one is meant to notice). When he gets to Julie’s side, he simply says, “She’s not Rachem” (a misspelling of “She’s not Rachel”).
Ross chooses to be with Rachel, but obviously, Rachel finds the list and is fucking HURT. Like, can you blame her??? She explains her pain to him as, “Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?” (brb sobbing).
Love is not blind, and it’s making a list.
It’s 2024, the world is burning, and we’re all tuned in to the latest episodes of Love is Blind, season seven. Hannah and Nick are in Mexico, and all should be well in the Honeymoon Phase of their relationship. But Nick turns to the guys and admits that he found Hannah’s list about him, mainly because she left it sitting on the nightstand for him to see. And before you think, oh this is an old list from in the pods, when she was deciding between Leo (gag) and Nick, nope. It’s up-to-date and even includes items related to the inflatable duck race he had with a horny MILF that afternoon.
Understandably, Nick is mega-miffed, and he brings it up to Hannah. She sees no issue in this list and explains, “I’m confident in the love that we have, but sometimes you just piss me off in the way that you act.” She proceeds to take the most obvious course of action and decides to read the list aloud to him so that he can understand each of his imperfections (you can’t see my face right now, but it’s not good).
The list includes items like:
- Actions speak louder than words
- Respect
- Too into his feelings?
- Mature?
- Self-confidence versus cocky
- Delulu?
I’m sorry, but YIKES. These people are engaged, and she is writing down that he is delulu and too into his feelings. Her whole concept of a lack of respect comes from the woman calling her “jealous” and Nick saying nothing. Look, would I have felt a lil irked by that situation? Yeah. But also Hannah has turned it into the woman calling her a “bitch” and other exaggerations. However, Hannah and Nick’s responses to that situation aside, my problem is with THE LIST.
Should you make a pro/con list about your relationship?
Sometimes, we work through our feelings with lists. Open any girl’s notes app, and I guarantee you’ll find nuggets of wisdom among grocery lists and their guest book of people they’ve fucked. Lists can help you visualize an issue and find clarity. Relationships come with issues, and sometimes they need a bit of clarity. When you’re in the throes of love, it can be hard to find perspective, and I guess a list can help.
That said, if you can come up with a lengthy list of reasons why you dislike your partner, maybe you shouldn’t be with them. That’s not to say that we won’t have things we don’t adore about our significant other, but that we shouldn’t feel the need to list them down, especially not as reasons to not be with them. If you reach that point, you don’t want to be there!!!
That kind of a list is reserved for post-breakup as a coping mechanism. Once you’re separated and battling through the withdrawal stages of going no-contact, make a list then to remind yourself why you need to stay away.
This is captured perfectly in Dolly Alderton’s latest novel, Good Material, where Andy has a list of reasons why it’s good he was dumped by his ex, Jen. “Talked too much and too smugly about coming from a big family, as if it was her decision to have three siblings,” is one of the many hilarious and heart-wrenching entries.
After my breakup with the aforementioned ex, I made one of those lists at the behest of a friend, and it was rather enlightening. It turned out that I had a lot of things I didn’t like about him either, but this was put to paper after we had decided to part ways, and I had decided to cut all communication. Same, same, but different.
To me, the question isn’t whether or not you should make a list, as that’s your prerogative. I will say that if you’re looking to make a list, you probably have your answer. It’s like when I once looked up, “Should I break up with my boyfriend?” and Google basically said, “Bitch, if you’re asking, you fucking should.” I would love to see how today’s AI prompts handle that one.
But most importantly, if you make a list, don’t let it be somewhere they could find it!! In Hannah’s case, that’s a hotel memo page on a nightstand, but in your case, that might be a notebook left around or something else not hidden carefully. Because once they read that list, they can’t unsee it. If you do make the list, maybe burn it immediately after or wipe it from your phone. Otherwise, a part of you wants them to find it.
I have this theory about relationships in that the heightened intimacy comes from the power you have. In a relationship, you essentially have the tools to break your partner into tiny pieces if you want. In every argument, you know exactly what words you could say to fucking wreck them. The insecurities, the regrets, the fears — all of them are right there in your toolbox. For example, if we’re talking about my ex who wrote a list, I could say that — ha, just kidding, I won’t go there even now.
But the power comes in choosing not to whip out those weapons. No matter how heated an argument is, you decide not to draw upon the insecurities and fears, not to cross that line. You have the power to hurt them more than anyone else in the world, and you choose not to do it. That’s where the intimacy comes from, that trust, that power, that concession.
By having a list, and especially allowing them to see it, you’re giving into the dark side. You’re uttering words that can never be taken back and will forever take up rent in their mind. On some level, we probably know all of these things about ourselves, but you’re just confirming that not only do you see them, too, but you use them as reasons not to be with us.
If you’re going to make a list, let it be like Kat’s gut-wrenching poem in 10 Things I Hate About You, where the thing you hate most is how you don’t hate us at all. Every person deserves to be with someone who wouldn’t make a list about us in the first place because they can’t even come up with that many things. Rachel deserved that and to go to Paris. Nick deserves that, and we can only hope he realizes this. And I deserve that; I deserve not to be a list of bullet points; I deserve to be loved as a whole fucking person.
