We’re emerging from the cruelest summer of our lives, where all around us, celebrity couples were ripped from their pedestals. I became fearful to check my phone for another breakup headline. Would it be someone important like Taylor Swift? Or would it be someone I genuinely had forgotten existed and their partner’s name who I had to Google?
It seems like the epidemic of breakups is not over just yet, as Sophie and Joe have ushered breakup season into the fall. We worked so hard to get cuffed in time, and all we want now is to sit back and sip our pumpkin spice lattes in peace! But don’t worry, we’ve got the cure for this breakup virus, with the 10 tips you need to avoid the same fate.
1. Supervise Your Partner Watching Spongebob
Did I think that this rule would ever have to be implemented in an adult relationship? No, I can honestly say that I didn’t. But I’m trying to learn from the mistakes of others, and this is the type of thing that we can’t allow to happen more than once.
Ariana Grande seemed content enough with her “real estate broker” —- is that a real job? It wasn’t up to me to judge their happiness, Ari deserves good things. But then she decided to thank u, next Dalton and shack up with literal Spongebob. No, I’m serious, he IS Spongebob.
Dalton should’ve been in the room every time Ari was watching Spongebob so he could remind her it’s just a show, sponges can’t talk, and living underwater would wreck her extensions. Maybe if he had, she wouldn’t have run off with Spongebob and he wouldn’t have left his newborn sponge. So supervise all episodes of Spongebob so your partner doesn’t find their own Pearl Krabs or Plankton. Or better yet, watch an episode of Victorious together instead.
2. Keep Your Cupboard Stocked
From one Ariana to the next, they’ve clearly all got their planets in retrograde and squared off to Uranus. There are a lot of lessons to take from Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval’s split. For example, don’t date below your belt, as he’ll never appreciate the sacrifice you’ve made. If everyone tells you that your friend or partner is shady, believe them. If he decides to join a cover band, leave him.
But the real lesson comes from Tom’s main complaint about Ariana: She never restocked the batteries and pens! Can you believe it? She didn’t buy a bulk load of toilet paper! His assistant had to do it. So ladies, simply head to Target and stock up, and no one will leave you.
His secondary complaint was that she wore a t-shirt during sex, but we all know that’s something we’re not willing to sacrifice for a worm with a mustache.
3. Don’t Rule Over The Entire North
I love a girl boss as much as the next person, but you’ve got to consider your partner’s ego in this one. If you’ve got the whole of the North bending the knee to you, how are they supposed to feel like equals in the relationship? They don’t even have all of New Jersey bending the knee to them.
Sophie Turner should’ve just settled for Winterfell, or even Houston, for this one. Rule over one city, so that Joe can still feel like a big man. Then he can go sing his silly little songs on stage while you slay like a girl boss. Problem solved.
4. Be Creative With Your “Happy Birthday” Message
Look, you can get away with a plain “Happy Birthday” message on the Facebook wall of a great aunt or that MLM chick you went to high school with. You can’t get away with it for your wife of seven years, let alone SOFIA VERGARA! No cute pic, no inside jokes, not even an emoji to soften the blow, really Joe?
Joe cited irreconcilable differences for the divorce, and I can imagine that Sofia had a lot of differences to reconcile with him after that boring birthday wish. You’re married to Sofia Vergara and you can’t find a single photo to post for her birthday? Yeah, after that argument, I’d also need to get out fast.
The cure to this ailment is a simple one: Do a great birthday post. You could go for the Ryan Reynolds-esque joke post, which is filled with affection and good humor. You could go for that cringe couple-who-married-right-after-high-school-and-secretly-hate-each-other and write an essay-length ode to the other, slipping in the things that irritate you most. Everyone will hate you for it either way, but at least your partner will be satisfied.
5. Use Uber Eats More Often
While Jeremy Allen White’s role in The Bear hasn’t been specifically listed as a cause of his separation from his wife Addison Timlin, it also hasn’t not been listed as one. You’ve seen how stressful those kitchens can be. You know what it’s like to impatiently scream at a pot of pasta to boil. That’s not a healthy environment for any relationship to thrive in. So fire up Uber Eats for some sushi instead.
Avoid cooking, quit your job if you’re a chef, and rely on food delivery services for the rest of your days. If your partner says anything about it, simply inform them that you’re doing this for your relationship, and ask them to do their part by taking out the takeaway boxes — please and thank you!
6. Always Check For A Ring Camera
If 1984 taught me anything, it’s that we’re always being watched, and never to date a guy who claims it is their favorite book.
Sophie Turner got caught on camera it seems, like so many others have done over history. We can never know what exactly was said on this Ring camera, but we certainly have some theories. Did she proclaim her love for Harry Styles? Did she reveal that she prefersBack to December” over “Mr. Perfectly Fine”? Did she admit that she had never seen an episode of JONAS?
Whatever she said, Sophie’s vital mistake was getting caught. So whenever you arrive at a location, do a thorough search for any hidden cameras. Download encrypted messaging services. Create a code with your besties to hide when you’re dumping on your partner. Never let your guard down for a single moment.
7. Don’t Wait Too Long To Book Taylor
Oh, Justin and Sophie, you were meant to be the ones that last. But this cruel summer got even crueler when our favorite Canadian royal couple, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie, called it quits.
Little is known about their split, so I’ve let my mind take the only rational outcome: Sophie was sick of waiting for Taylor Swift to come to Canada. Taylor had announced a US tour, a Latin America tour, even a European tour, and yet spared no time to head north to her neighbors. Sophie needed to be swapping friendship bracelets and shaking it off, and she couldn’t postpone it a moment longer. She had to be in Canada for her hubby, and so a divorce was the only way to go full girls tour and catch Taylor in Europe. Or perhaps, it was an act of revenge on Justin for not trying harder to bring Taylor over.
Taylor announced her tour dates for Toronto a day later. I simply don’t believe in those kinds of coincidences. This was a last-ditch effort to win her back from Justin. I can only wonder what he offered Taylor.
8. Buy The Cheapest Pots And Pans
If people as rich as Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner are squabbling over pots and pans, then it must be a very important issue in relationships. Christine followed the esteemed tradition of outstaying your welcome in a home, which we wholeheartedly respect and support. Her ex-hubby then whined to the courts that she was going to take too many pots and pans.
What I take from this is that I should never leave unless forced by an armed escort, and I shouldn’t bother investing in good kitchenware. Forget La Creuset, I’m heading straight to Target. They can’t take what you don’t have! And without such flashy skillets around, maybe they’ll be forced to stay.
9. Pick Hamilton Over Wicked
I’m a Wicked fan as much as the next mentally unwell musical girlie, but now I recognize how problematic this musical is. One can only wonder what would’ve happened if Lilly Jay hadn’t liked Wicked and thus hadn’t urged her husband, Ethan Slater, to go for the role of Boq. Can’t remember who Boq is? Don’t worry, he isn’t important, and yet he somehow has managed to land Glinda, also known as Ariana Grande.
To avoid your own partner finding their Glinda, skip the green paint and settle for Hamilton instead. Lin Manuel Miranda may give you a jump scare every time he appears in yet another film, but at least he’s still happily married and dedicating things to his wife. Plus only men die in that story!
10. Don’t Date Bugs
I’ll be honest, I had never even heard of the man Natalie Portman is married to. I mean she is Barbie, and he is literally the definition of just Ken. But once I Googled him, I couldn’t get past the name. Benjamin Millepied. She married a man named after those creepy crawly insects, and he creepy crawled his way into a 25-year-old’s bed.
With the Millipede and the Worm With a Mustache on the loose, it’s enough to think maybe we shouldn’t be dating insects. I don’t know, just a thought! Maybe we should focus on people with human surnames. Like Tom Hanks is happily married, and there isn’t a creature named after him. Blake Lively seems like a delight to be coupled up with, and she is LIVELY not buggy. It’s a simple rule to follow, so avoid anyone who is named after or resembles a fly, caterpillar, ladybird, mosquito, or wasp. And it goes without saying, never approach a rat. It didn’t work for Taylor Swift so it definitely won’t work for you.