You know those films where a young girl who has never ridden a horse before is trying to calm down a wild stallion? She walks up to it while it bickers and neighs and makes general horse sounds. It’s bucking up and down all aggressive, and she strokes its mane and says, “Easy there, boy, woah, calm down.”
Sometimes, I want to reach over to the guy lying on top of me, jackrabbiting away, sweat beading on his forehead as I get no closer to a finish line, and stroke his cheek while I soothingly say those magic words.
No, I’m not talking about my attraction to Spirit the Horse (been there, done that); I’m here to talk about the latest epidemic ruining lives: fast sex. The issue that’s plagued us since we first popped our cherry in a bed with faded grey sheets and only one sad pillow (WHERE IS THE OTHER PILLOW?). In a tale as old as time, as I guarantee Henry VIII’s wives were also complaining about this, we’re going to talk about the deep-rooted desire for longer, slower sex and how we can actually make it happen.
The Challenge of Lasting Longer In Bed
While the cliche, and a lot of my lived experience, is the heterosexual lens of a man jackrabbiting away while a woman tries not to yawn, this isn’t always the case. Oh, that’s not to say I’ve ever had this happen during my encounters with women, soz but the girlies just get it. No, what I mean is that men also want longer, slower sex — I KNOW!!!
Beducated, an online platform that offers courses on sex and relationships, spoke to 2,291 people (oddly specific) and found that men were nearly twice as likely as women to say they wanted longer sex sessions — I KNOW!!! 46% of male respondents wished their most recent partnered sexual activity had lasted longer than it did. Beducated seem to think this could be linked to mismatched desires, busy routines, or erectile dysfunction.
When asked about the myth of men liking it quick, Elisabeth Neumann, sex & relationships expert at Lovehoney, promptly debunked this idea.
“It’s a myth that men are always looking for a quick, high-energy session, Neumann tells Betches. “For many men, slower, drawn-out intimacy can be just as satisfying, if not more so.” Slowing down deepens the experience for both partners and removes the pressure to “finish.”
Beducated further found that this was especially true for couples in relationships. The longer they’d been together, the more likely they wished sex would last longer. The preferred sweet spot landed between 30 and 60 minutes.
This goes against everything we’re taught about casual sex and knowing your partner intimately… or does it?
Quick sex can be the result of limited time. You’ve got kids, pets, jobs, dishes, a marathon training schedule, and all the rest of it eating away at you. It can easily feel like a choice between not having any sex or slotting in quick sessions. Sex can start to feel as much of a satisfying chore as emptying the blocked shower drain or tweezing your chin hairs (orgasmic). Check-in, jackrabbit, check out, hopefully, with a few orgasms as souvenirs of your stay.
It’s also a matter of knowing your partner so intimately. Once you’ve had sex with someone a certain number of times, you know exactly how to finish them off in no time. The flick of the tongue, the hand reached under, the weirdly specific angle that just causes the world to end. You have this power, so it feels IMPOSSIBLE not to use it. Like, I’m just such an empath that I want to give a person that pleasurable experience, even if it does detonate the fucking bomb.
It has to be acknowledged that quick sex in heterosexual arenas can also be the result of the dude finishing before either party intended. That’s okay, bestie!!! We’re not here to shame. That can be difficult. If sex ended when I first came in a session, I’d be pretty bummed too. That’s why we’re going to make this a fun, interactive experience of learning how to slow down sex and make it even better.
Introducing longer, slower sex to your bedroom
First things first, why do we even want slower sex? Don’t come for me, but once in a while, a good ol’ jackrabbit is just what you’re looking for — rabbits are gonna need a new PR rep after this expose. So why are we all looking to slow down sex when we speed up just about everything else in life?
“When we take things slow, we can fully enjoy the experience, notice every touch, sound, and sensation, and build anticipation that keeps both partners engaged,” Neumann explains. “It’s not just physical – it’s emotional, so it’s no surprise that many of us crave this level of closeness as it can make the experience feel deeper and even more satisfying.”
I get that. I mean, while I’m all for working my way through the Kama Sutra, sometimes a girlie just wants some ol’ fashioned vanilla missionary while someone strokes your hair and calls you pretty.
How do you tell your partner you want longer, slower sex without destroying their self-esteem?
I am ALL for communication and consent in the bedroom (consent is sexy, kids!!), but I am also a fragile lil girlie with a praise kink. So, how can you tell your partner that you need something different?
Neumann gets it and knows how tricky these conversations can be. “The key here is openness,” she says. “When bringing up something new to do with a sexual experience, you should always try to focus on conveying your desires and wants rather than pointing out that something is missing or insufficient.”
Start by sharing what you like about your sex life together, Neumann suggests. Then explain that you’re interested in exploring a slower pace together. Frame it as a shared adventure and focus on the positive way it makes you feel, rather than phrasing it as a critique. This can make it easier for your partner to feel excited and open to the idea.
And yes, this is the exact framework of the compliment sandwich. Obsessed with this sexy Oreo technique.
Okay, but how do we actually extend a sesh?
Neumann has five key tips for lengthening your sex time:
- Set the scene: Getting really comfortable in your space will encourage longer, slower sex so put some music on and set the right vibes.
- Focus on foreplay: Don’t rush – kissing, touching, and teasing each other can create serious sparks and build anticipation. There is more than just one erogenous zone, so focus on those other parts of the body that will bring stimulation.
- Use breathing to keep the pace: Slow, deep breaths keep you relaxed and help prevent things from speeding up too soon.
- Pause-play: Every now and then, stop and just enjoy being close. Make eye contact, laugh, or just breathe together before diving back in.
- Toy-time: Introduce a sex toy to further slow down the pace, and try a different form of pleasure
Uhh I’m definitely not currently texting my situationship to come over and try these things with me…
Remember that sex is a marathon, not a sprint, so take your time and enjoy it. Trying new positions can feel a little awkward and silly, and you need just to be able to laugh together. Take pit stops, refuel, switch positions, and insert more car metaphors. There, I managed to start this article with horses and finish with F1, I think that’s enough for today. Good luck, comrades!
