How To Be The Single Friend Without Being Pathetic And Annoying

I’d like to be upfront about a couple things here: 1) I am (fairly recently) un-single and 2) I was possibly the least cool single person who’s ever existed. So while I still regularly indulge in occasionally miss the 48-hour Netflix binges and bong rips, I definitely don’t miss the obsessing, the drunk texting exes, and the generally insane amount of energy I put into every tiny interaction with whatever guy I was freaking out about at the time. And since I’m new to the whole relationship thing and do something for which I should probably be arrested broken up with at least once a month, I’ve been thinking I should set some guidelines for the next time I’m single. Because I’m paid to write this super generous, I’ve decided to share it here.

1. Hang Out With Single Friends

Don’t have any? Cool, are you like 50 make some. Yes, there is a very small possibility that one of your coupled-up friend’s boyfriends will have a cute single friend, but honestly I got exhausted just typing that sentence. Bottom line: between the years of high school and post-first divorce, it’s just not cute to be asking “so what single guys will be there” before every function you attend. All you’re doing is reminding people that you’re single, and no one’s going to set someone up with the friend that reminds them of Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You. (As that reference implies, I’ve both been that girl and seen that movie 3-7 times, so please just trust me that I know my way around being pathetic.) I’m not trying to start some single/coupled war here, I just think that when you’re single, it can suck to feel like everyone else has someone—so instead, go out with your hot/fun/single friends, and send Snaps from the club to your friends who are at home listening to their boyfriends.


2. Don’t Spend Too Much Time With Yourself

I know this goes against what a lot of people say, but I feel like the “take time with your advice” is always really about post-breakup periods of time, and a lot of the problem of feeling single is constantly feeling like everything you’re doing is in reaction to your last breakup. Actually, a bigger problem with being me being single is constantly analyzing why you do everything you do, which is a really easy habit to fall into when you spend so. much. time. alone. If you are post-breakup, your head right now is in a place with a very bruised ego and a lot of rage, and why would you want to stay alone with that? I know the whole idea is to “get to know yourself again” and really “be with your thoughts” but honestly, your thoughts aren’t fucking going anywhere. No matter how many people you hang out with, your brain does not get airlifted from your body to a different location—and if you’re supposed to spend this time “getting to know the new you,” wouldn’t it be better if the new one was someone with friends and commitments requiring pants? Yeah, get to know that person.

Being Alone Sucks

3. Keep Having Sex

This is very important, for so many reasons. First of all, it will prevent you from accidentally falling in love with the first guy you sleep with in six months just because you forgot what a dick feels like. Second of all, having people see you naked gives you an incentive to stay hot, and I absolutely refuse to write an article about being single in which I suggest outright that you work out. I have almost lost my phone too many times hurling it at a wall after reading that suggestion in bed on a Sunday at 4pm, and frankly it’s just rude. However, if you’re regularly getting laid (which, even just makes you look hotter for a bunch of reasons I won’t get into), you’re going to feel hotter and more wanted anyway and have your own motivation for staying in amazing shape.


If these points have anything in common, it’s that you should keep in mind that being single is not the same thing as being alone (at least, it doesn’t have to be). So if it feels like you’re alone, that fucking sucks and you should fix it—but you don’t have to get a boyfriend for that to change. (Looking forward to cry-reading this article when I’m freshly single, bye!)