How Drunk Should You Get At The Barbecue? Weekly Horoscopes July 1-5

This week is America’s birthday (she’s a Cancer!) and Mars is moving into Leo (obviously) which means you all must be wondering one thing: how should I spend my July 4th, as dictated by the stars? Ask and you shall receive, children! I live to serve the Heavens.


Your creativity is off the chain right now, Aries, so don’t deny yourself the simple pleasure of starting a new Pinterest project. (Might I suggest red, white, and blue boozy popsicles?) Worst case scenario, you completely f*ck up the project, post a hilarious side-by-side on Insta, go viral, and drink alcohol anyway. Best case scenario, you actually complete the project and brag about your DIY skills for the rest of your life.


You’ve been dying to give your space a makeover, Taurus, and this is the exact week to do it! Tap into your inner Bobby Berk and spend some time totally rearranging your space. You’ll impress the f*ck out of yourself with how good your new living room makes you feel, and as an added bonus, redecorating is an excuse to do your absolute favorite thing and never leave the house.


It’s time to reconnect with your favorite person: you. You’ve spent so much time being a social butterfly that you’ve forgotten the simple joys of sitting in front of your TV with a bottle of wine watching Netflix and saying nothing to no one. Set aside at least one night this week to do your favorite solo activity, that way you don’t totally lose your sh*t on some random family during the fireworks.


Bust out the ol’ bullet journal (aka: finally start the ol’ bullet journal) because you are going to be Miranda Hobbes-level productive this week. Lucky you. If this newfound desire to do sh*t seems new, that’s because Mars is entering your house of work and income for the first time in two years. Just keep that in mind when your godmother spends the whole July 4th BBQ asking why you’re not famous yet.


Mars is entering your sign this week, Leo, meaning you are officially bringing sexy back. (Does that reference make it clear I’m pushing 30? How do you do, fellow kids??) Your normally v attractive qualities are going to be supercharged into absolutely irresistible qualities, so don’t be surprised if you outshine the birthday girl (aka America) this week. You can’t help that you’re so popular!


Virgo, you officially have permission to smash the snooze button. Use the holiday weekend as an excuse to actually rest for once in your damn life. No signing up for a 9am yoga class. No “using the weekend to get work done.” And definitely no opening your work email during the National Anthem “just to check in.” Sleep, child. You deserve it.


Lucky for you, you’re magically transforming into the life of the party just in time for America’s birthday. Get rest while you can, because come July 4th everyone will be looking to you for the best barbecues, beach parties, and bars with cheap Jell-O shots. Just try to cool it on the American flag bikini Instas. Everybody only gets one. (And the rest go on story.)


Well, well, well, aren’t you the boss bitch? Mars has tapped into your inner CEO, meaning you’re about to make some money moves. Don’t be surprised if a new lucrative business opportunity pops up in the most unlikely of places. Who says you can’t close a deal drinking cocktails on a pool float?


You’re in the mood for an adventure, but guess what? Nobody’s gonna plan it for you. Use the short week as your excuse for planning a little getaway, whether it be by actually going to the beach or by transforming your backyard into a 4th of July themed island getaway. A few sips of your vodka-infused watermelon and your guests won’t know the difference.


F*cking finally. Mars has brought some much needed energy to your love life, meaning your 4th of July plans are crucial. Where are you likely to find the hottest people who also want to talk to you? Just remember to pack a non July 4th themed outfit for July 5th’s walk of shame glory.


Cuffing season has come early for you, Aquarius, and you’re looking to settle down. Ain’t no shame in that. If you’re in a relationship, use the holiday week to have fun, reconnect, and remind yourself why you gave them your Netflix password in the first place. If you’re single, it’s nbd. What better way to meet the love of your life than under literal fireworks?


While other signs are going to be using this weekend to get sh*tfaced and eat a million hot dogs, you’re going to be using it to work those fitness goals. The short work week is the perfect time for you to sign up for an extra yoga class, go for a run, or just pop on your favorite fitness YouTuber and go to town. You can still totally get sh*tfaced and eat hot dogs, tho. Don’t worry.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.