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Realistic 2024 Resolutions That Won't Challenge You At All. Like, Not Even A Little Bit

Ah yes, it’s that time of year when I am desperate to become a better person for no other reason than it’s the first week of January. This weekend, I, a grown woman, will turn to arts & crafts in the hope that some magazine clippings and sparkle glue can help me manifest the life I desire. Because if Jesus being born last month can’t save me from my seasonal depression, than I’m going to put all of my faith in a poster board with dollar signs hodgepodged next to a cut-out of Cate Blanchett’s face. (Don’t you dare judge my manifestations!) 

Thankfully, I’m not alone in my existential grief. The pressure to reinvent oneself is a burden shared by many. A new survey from Forbes Health found the top resolutions for 2024 include improving fitness, finances and mental health. But I’m not about to do all of that. 

Before the”New Year, New Me!” mantra haunts my dreams for the rest of the month, I’ve done the hard work of translating unrealistic resolutions into easy, attainable goals. Because the last thing I want this year is to be challenged. We have the 2024 presidential election for that!

OUT

IN

Learn a new language Figure out which emoji doesn’t make me old
Get a therapy animal to keep me company Watch more cat videos
Get more Vitamin D Like, from the sun. Not somebody’s son.
Weekly grocery trips  Buy the snacks!!! Buy the goddamn snacks.
FOMO Spend Friday night in bed scrolling IG stories and laugh mercilessly at their tired souls
Budget planning More online shopping! Get those little gems out of the cart and into your world! 
Goodreads Reading Challenge Tell people you read it somewhere when you actually saw it on TikTok
Keeping up with pop culture moments Binge Friends again
Redownload dating apps Ponder the workings of the universe because celibacy has made you more open to magic
Marathon training Take 100 steps a day
Social media breaks  Screen time below 168 hours (the amount of hours in a week)
Start a wellness routine Breathe in AND breathe out
Eat healthier Don’t let the lettuce wilt in the fridge
Cook more at home Order more takeout to help cut back on dishes (two birds, one stone)
Stop gossiping Take on the role of oral storyteller
Start a new hobby Take more naps
Speed-clean before bed Let the dishes soak
Daily journaling Literally write anything in one of your thousands of journals!! You’re not Ernest fucking Hemingway. 
Tackle DIY projects Harass your landlord to fix the leaky faucet
Drink less coffee Loiter at a coffee shop long enough that the latte works out to only $2/hour 
Morning meditation  Up your Zoloft dosage
Hire a nutritionist/personal trainer Ask your witchy friend for a tarot reading
Sober dating Embrace the sobering reality of dating in 2024
Stay informed on global events Subscribe to a weekly print magazine until the pile is so high it smothers you and/or can be used for next year’s vision board.
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte
Melanie Whyte (she/her) leads the lifestyle and relationship verticals at Betches. As an amateur New Yorker and professional bisexual, she enjoys writing about the bane of sex and relationships in the city. She is also perpetually in her messy house era despite spending all of her money on Instagram ads.