Ah yes, it’s that time of year when I am desperate to become a better person for no other reason than it’s the first week of January. This weekend, I, a grown woman, will turn to arts & crafts in the hope that some magazine clippings and sparkle glue can help me manifest the life I desire. Because if Jesus being born last month can’t save me from my seasonal depression, than I’m going to put all of my faith in a poster board with dollar signs hodgepodged next to a cut-out of Cate Blanchett’s face. (Don’t you dare judge my manifestations!)
Thankfully, I’m not alone in my existential grief. The pressure to reinvent oneself is a burden shared by many. A new survey from Forbes Health found the top resolutions for 2024 include improving fitness, finances and mental health. But I’m not about to do all of that.
Before the”New Year, New Me!” mantra haunts my dreams for the rest of the month, I’ve done the hard work of translating unrealistic resolutions into easy, attainable goals. Because the last thing I want this year is to be challenged. We have the 2024 presidential election for that!
OUT
IN
Learn a new language
Figure out which emoji doesn’t make me old
Get a therapy animal to keep me company
Watch more cat videos
Get more Vitamin D
Like, from the sun. Not somebody’s son.
Weekly grocery trips
Buy the snacks!!! Buy the goddamn snacks.
FOMO
Spend Friday night in bed scrolling IG stories and laugh mercilessly at their tired souls
Budget planning
More online shopping! Get those little gems out of the cart and into your world!
Goodreads Reading Challenge
Tell people you read it somewhere when you actually saw it on TikTok
Keeping up with pop culture moments
Binge Friends again
Redownload dating apps
Ponder the workings of the universe because celibacy has made you more open to magic
Marathon training
Take 100 steps a day
Social media breaks
Screen time below 168 hours (the amount of hours in a week)
Start a wellness routine
Breathe in AND breathe out
Eat healthier
Don’t let the lettuce wilt in the fridge
Cook more at home
Order more takeout to help cut back on dishes (two birds, one stone)
Stop gossiping
Take on the role of oral storyteller
Start a new hobby
Take more naps
Speed-clean before bed
Let the dishes soak
Daily journaling
Literally write anything in one of your thousands of journals!! You’re not Ernest fucking Hemingway.
Tackle DIY projects
Harass your landlord to fix the leaky faucet
Drink less coffee
Loiter at a coffee shop long enough that the latte works out to only $2/hour
Morning meditation
Up your Zoloft dosage
Hire a nutritionist/personal trainer
Ask your witchy friend for a tarot reading
Sober dating
Embrace the sobering reality of dating in 2024
Stay informed on global events
Subscribe to a weekly print magazine until the pile is so high it smothers you and/or can be used for next year’s vision board.
Melanie Whyte