Ah yes, it’s that time of year when I am desperate to become a better person for no other reason than it’s the first week of January. This weekend, I, a grown woman, will turn to arts & crafts in the hope that some magazine clippings and sparkle glue can help me manifest the life I desire. Because if Jesus being born last month can’t save me from my seasonal depression, than I’m going to put all of my faith in a poster board with dollar signs hodgepodged next to a cut-out of Cate Blanchett’s face. (Don’t you dare judge my manifestations!)
Thankfully, I’m not alone in my existential grief. The pressure to reinvent oneself is a burden shared by many. A new survey from Forbes Health found the top resolutions for 2024 include improving fitness, finances and mental health. But I’m not about to do all of that.
Before the”New Year, New Me!” mantra haunts my dreams for the rest of the month, I’ve done the hard work of translating unrealistic resolutions into easy, attainable goals. Because the last thing I want this year is to be challenged. We have the 2024 presidential election for that!
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|Learn a new language
|Figure out which emoji doesn’t make me old
|Get a therapy animal to keep me company
|Watch more cat videos
|Get more Vitamin D
|Like, from the sun. Not somebody’s son.
|Weekly grocery trips
|Buy the snacks!!! Buy the goddamn snacks.
|Spend Friday night in bed scrolling IG stories and laugh mercilessly at their tired souls
|More online shopping! Get those little gems out of the cart and into your world!
|Goodreads Reading Challenge
|Tell people you read it somewhere when you actually saw it on TikTok
|Keeping up with pop culture moments
|Binge Friends again
|Redownload dating apps
|Ponder the workings of the universe because celibacy has made you more open to magic
|Take 100 steps a day
|Social media breaks
|Screen time below 168 hours (the amount of hours in a week)
|Start a wellness routine
|Breathe in AND breathe out
|Don’t let the lettuce wilt in the fridge
|Cook more at home
|Order more takeout to help cut back on dishes (two birds, one stone)
|Take on the role of oral storyteller
|Start a new hobby
|Take more naps
|Speed-clean before bed
|Let the dishes soak
|Literally write anything in one of your thousands of journals!! You’re not Ernest fucking Hemingway.
|Tackle DIY projects
|Harass your landlord to fix the leaky faucet
|Drink less coffee
|Loiter at a coffee shop long enough that the latte works out to only $2/hour
|Up your Zoloft dosage
|Hire a nutritionist/personal trainer
|Ask your witchy friend for a tarot reading
|Embrace the sobering reality of dating in 2024
|Stay informed on global events
|Subscribe to a weekly print magazine until the pile is so high it smothers you and/or can be used for next year’s vision board.