Last week, I was drinking my second energy drink of the day, trying to do anything but my job when I came across the following Reddit thread: “Dating profiles: what’s the female equivalent to holding a fish?” Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why such a large portion of my gender chooses to hold a fish in their dating app photos, but I can tell you what some of us consider the female equivalent to be. After sifting through pages of Star Wars puns and cat memes, I compiled the six best comments that will help you identify the weak points in your dating profile and make sure you aren’t letting potential baes slip through the digital cracks.
“Using ‘Hi’ as an opener even when I give you an in by putting a question in my bio.” –Reddit user tenji240
This one is baffling to me. Women always complain that guys have nothing to say, and yet when it comes time for them to message first, they go with a plain old “Hi” anyway. Fortunately, this can work in your favor because you will be able to instantly set yourself apart by starting the conversation in literally ANY other way. The bar is so low for you ladies. It doesn’t have to be anything groundbreaking or profound. Just pick something specific about his profile and go from there. It can be as simple as “I love artist X, what’s your favorite song?” A little thought goes a long way.
“I probably just swiped for your dog.” –Reddit user B00TYMASTER
It’s not a dealbreaker, it’s just a small, overplayed joke that was funny the first time but has been said SO MANY TIMES that it has virtually lost all meaning. Like, when you’re in the grocery store and an item doesn’t scan at the register and some jackass goes, “Does that mean it’s free?” Terrible. Instead, just put “dog lover.” It gets the point across and won’t elicit any eye rolls.
“If I super liked, it was an accident.” –Reddit user mashonem
Thank you for clarifying that under no circumstance would you descend from heaven and come down to the mortal realm to grace us with your dazzling aura. It’s hard for me to think of a less approachable line to put in your profile. I don’t know if girls do this because they think they’re being cute or funny, but all it does is make you sound conceited. And since you read Betches, you’re obviously not, so why turn away potential baes?
“I can probably drink more than you.” –Reddit user BanjoStory
Every guy likes a girl who knows how to have a good time, so I get why you’re trying to paint yourself as a pre-baby Cardi B level party animal. But this ain’t the way to do it. All this says to me is “I low-key blackout during the week and you’ll probably have to carry me out of happy hour because I took a swipe at the bartender.” Just go with the tried and true photo of you holding a cocktail with your besties. Or if you still want to convey your competitive nature, an “I can probably beat you at beer pong” is a better way to phrase the above.
“Adventuring.” –Reddit user MrMallo
70% of women have this in their profile and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it means. When I hear “adventuring”, all I can think of is us running through an enchanted forest in wizard robes trying to slay goblins with our magical lightning swords, which, admittedly, sounds like a pretty awesome first date. But unless you’re actually referring to us going on a magical quest, be specific. If “adventuring” means you like hiking, say hiking. If it means you like parasailing, say parasailing. But the more specific, the better. As guys, all we’re looking for is some unique way to start a conversation, so the more information you give us, the more likely we are to message you with something that isn’t the text equivalent of an Ambien.
“Just ask.” –Reddit user TubbyAsgardian
Okay, I’ll ask: “Why is your profile emptier than Donald Trump’s inauguration?” Could you put any more pressure on a guy to start a conversation? You only have one chance to make a first impression, which means I basically have one shot at an opening line before you ghost me. So if I happen to pick the wrong topic because you’ve given me zero leads to go on, then the conversation dies and we both end the night eating ice cream alone in our jam-jams. Guys can only be as interesting as your profile, so set us up for success and give us something to go on.