Author’s Note: if you came to this site to read a beaming review of the inauguration and our new president, you are going to be solely disappointed. Then again, if you’re actively supporting Trump in this day and age, you probably can’t read anyway.
On Friday, January 20th, 2017, despite the misgivings of every rational person in the entire world, Donald Trump was inaugurated President of the United States of America. If my 15-year-old self could have read that sentence, she probably would have stopped working so hard in school because clearly actual intelligence, integrity, and hard work mean nothing anymore.
Because all of you surely had better things to do, like figuring out a way to stock up on enough birth control and vodka to last the next four years, we went ahead and recapped this brutal assault on American tradition for you. There were highs (the no-bars-held disdain from every former president and first lady in attendance) and there were lows (literally the rest of the ceremony) but there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to cleanse the memory of watching it from our minds. Long story short, you’re welcome.
The ordeal started with the arrival of all the living ex-presidents and their wives: Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, Bill and Hill, George and Laura Bush, and our Lord and Saviors the Obamas. George H.W. Bush sent his regards from his hospital bed but said he would literally die if he attended. Same.
Can you imagine having to smile and wave at the inauguration of the haunted cheetoh that lost to you by three million votes? Fuck whoever made Hillary leave her sacred woods. How many Xanax do you think she took before getting out of the car? Answer: not enough.
The arrival of the Trump children was shocking because I didn’t think Eric and Donald Jr. could step into daylight without bursting into flames. Ivanka and Tiffany’s all white outfits weren’t just straight out of the Hunger Games Winter 2016 line, but also a blatant reminder of what their father has in store for us all. I feel weird mocking a child so all I will say is that Barron looked like he had to fart the entire time he was on camera. It’s alright, kid. Let it out. The entire stage is already full of shit.
After what felt like six hours of trumpeting, Donald Tiny Hands Trump finally arrived in his best $19 suit. Pence’s face was puffier than usual, possibly due to the gay twerk fest that occurred outside his home that kept him awake all night. That does nothing to explain the fact that all of his facial features are stuck prominently four inches in from the perimeter of his face, but maybe a little electrotherapy can help fix that.
Donald’s swearing in was quick but definitely not painless. The real scoop: How long did it take to find a Bible small enough to make his hands look adult-sized? Stay tuned for the details. The restraint it took him to not make out with his daughter on live television immediately after being sworn in was the most admirable part of this entire process.
Now, onto the speech that will go down in history as the single most divisive inaugural address of all time. Where to start? How about with the fact that it was lifted from one of Trump’s heroes, Bane. Or that the earth literally started weeping the second he began to speak. We all watch movies. We know foreshadowing when we see it.
Trump: *starts speaking*
The unholy butternut squash’s seventeen-minute speech, seventeen minutes of my life that could have been better spent squeezing lemon juice into my eyes or attempting an at-home colonoscopy, was spent shitting on Washington, painting America as a desolate wasteland reminiscent of Pride Rock after Scar took over, and essentially telling the rest of the world to go fuck itself.
Trump: We the citizens of America are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise to all people.
Fine Print: But only if they’re white straight men. And even then, they better be loaded.
After thanking his supporters for coming out to be a part of this historical movement, Trump spends a few minutes painting a scene of hyperbolic lies about the state of America. The only thing truly historical about it is that he became the president with the largest popularity vote margin in history. Or maybe the record-breaking protest that occurred the next day thanks to worldwide Women’s Marches. Or the fact that this is the first time in history that a sentient, molding tangerine was elected a world leader. Congrats, dude.
Trump: Today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, we are actually catapulting the country 100 years into the past. Science is amazing, isn’t it? Unless it’s supporting global warming.
If you were to drink every time the ignorant yam said “inner cities” you wouldn’t have lived long enough to see him become president. In retrospect, this is probably a strategy we all should have utilized during the debates. Despite the fact that it’s one of his favorite phrases, right up there with “fake news”, “radical Islam”, and “incest isn’t even that weird, Ivanka”, he would be as successful defining it as he would be attempting to explain the American political system.
Actually, someone should probably buy The Donald a dictionary ASAP because he’s under the very mistaken impression that he’s a man of the people. If by “people” he means humans with ungodly amounts of money who were born with every privilege in the world, he’d still be wrong because the qualifier there is “human,” which this misogynistic rotting pumpkin surely isn’t.
The Heat Miser proceeds to list all of America’s problems incurred under the Obama administration: inner cities, unemployment, drug wars, gangs, inner cities, poverty, failing infrastructure, inner cities, immigration, radical Islam, rampant violence, and most importantly, inner cities. Not listed: racism, sexism, homophobia or xenophobia and the fact that Donald Trump is actually the president of the United States. Weird.
Trump: We will be protected by God.
I’m starting to think someone might have just let him watch all of the Purge movies and told him it was C-SPAN. He rounds the list out by promising to end this “American Carnage,” which actually does just sound like the title of the next Purge movie. Fuck.
Are there places in America where people suffer? Definitely. Should they should receive more support than they are getting? A resounding yes. Is the Trump administration going to be the one to deliver that much needed help? Doubtful, unless it’s to rich white boys who got caught raping girls on college campuses.
To call the last eight years American Carnage is not only inaccurate and a direct slight at all the good that Obama brought to this country, but WILDLY insensitive and tone deaf to the real life, real carnage happening in other parts of the world.
“Think big and dream even bigger” – Donald Trump and also every Disney movie in existence.
He goes on to list the theme of the next four years, which shockingly enough isn’t despair, fascism, or full tilt revolution, but instead “America First.” This is just a nicer way of saying “total isolationism,” a policy that includes, but is not limited to: shutting down borders to trade and immigration, punishing American companies that move out of the US, creating a registry for Muslims, ceasing the funding of foreign armies, building a literal god damn wall between the US and Mexico, and eradicating radical Islam from the face of the earth. No word on how long it will take to eradicate Nazis after that’s done, but I’m sure it’s on the docket.
Trump: The time for empty talk is over. The time for blatant lies has only just begun. Follow me on Twitter.
TL; DR: The hateful mango’s speech was a supreme divergence from any inaugural address we’ve ever heard. Usually these things have you feeling so aggressively patriotic by the end that you momentarily forget that your country is hurtling towards total destruction at the hands of racist, woman-hating asshats. Think “Yes we can!” or “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Instead of preaching hope, unity, and a bright future, Trump decided to outline the plot for the America’s next best-selling YA dystopian novel.
Trump: I will never ever let you down
America: *remembers that Trump mocked a disabled reporter, condones grabbing women by the pussy, wants to register Muslims and deport Latinos, and generally just continues to exist*
Actually, I take back what I said about Trump’s Godly restraint, because it was nothing compared to Biden shaking his hand after that speech rather than punching him in the face.
The rest of the ceremony was relatively tame, as long as you don’t count the palpable misery permeating every inch of the world. Jackie Evancho drove the final nail into her very young her career’s coffin by singing the national anthem. Hopefully she can pick up a gig on the Bible Belt circuit.
Melania: I’ll be so much happier when I’m dead. Technically missing. Soon-to-be presumed dead. Gone. And my lazy, lying, shitting, oblivious husband will go to prison for my murder.
Trump: Are those mini corndogs? NICE.
Obama: Can’t wait to peace the fuck out of here and never see you racist fucks again.
Michelle: Dear God, grant me the patience to not go full Cersei Lannister on this stage.
As if watching orange Hitler being granted the most powerful position in the world wasn’t painful enough, we had to stand by as the Obamas made their farewells and climbed onto the jet that would take them far, far away from this hellscape. The definition of adding insult to injury. They cried. We cried. God cried.
And then we started planning our resistance.
Hopefully four years from now, someone will be writing a very different recap. Hopefully we’ll be looking towards the future with hope and optimism. Hopefully there will still be a society that allows free speech.
Ideally four years from now, Hillary Clinton will have battled the blistering apricot in a Gladiator style event and come out victoriously swinging his toupee in the air. One can only dream.
Stay strong, America. We’re only three days in. There’s a whole lot of fight left to be had.