Ah, one of my favorite holidays is upon us. A holiday where it’s socially acceptable to pound $8 green beer and take home a redhead. But because we can’t have nice things, there will be those who will try to fuck it up for the rest of us by blinding our eyes rocking green themed looks. *takes slow, calming breath*
I guess this was bound to happen because any holiday that celebrates gingers is destined to be a clusterfuck beauty-wise, so here’s a list of all the least offensive ways to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day:
1. As An Eyeliner
Green eyeliner is the subtle way to look like you barely give a shit about this holiday, and we approve of this look. But for the love of god don’t go overboard here. The eyeliner should be the focal point of your whole look so don’t try and fuck it up by adding in green glitter eye shadow or some shit.
2. Green Hair Streaks
This is for all my try-hards out there who can’t wait to
document Instagram the shit out of this holiday. The key here is to be *subtle* with the hair streaks because this can either make you look hella cool or like a sea monster. Go for temporary mint-hued streaks à la the latest Fendi show if you want to look cool and creative like you give way too many shits.
3. Two-Toned Eye Shadow
This is the main beauty offender I see in between shots when I’m out at bars. Personally, I stopped buying green eye shadow around the same time I stopped crimping my hair, but for those of you who still sport the look I’m suggesting a two-toned eye shadow look in a more subtle shade of green, i.e. not the same color as the T-shirts everyone’s wearing. Start by applying a lighter green hue with a flat brush from the inner corner of the eye to the middle of the lid, and then add a darker shade on the outer corners. Blend, blend, and blend and make sure to apply black liner so you don’t look like a fucking leprechaun.
4. Dark Green Lips
Tbh I didn’t even want to put this one on the list but I thought there’d be a least one betch reading this who likes to
push the envelope test my sanity. Even though it makes you look like you just sucked off Shrek, it is very spirited so FINE it makes the list. Go for a darker green lipstick to look more chic and less like I want to anonymously blast you on social media. You could also use a green lip liner to outline your lips for a more graphic effect. The liner lasts longer than lipstick and it won’t get all over your face while you’re celebrating getting shitfaced.
5. Subtle Nails
This is probably the least offensive way to wear green today and that is why I left the best for last. Nail color is like an accessory, so go for an emerald or a mint color to compliment what you’ll be wearing, which I’m guessing is some form of all-black ensemble.
Or you could just go with the other signature look for this holiday: blackout. The choice is yours. Brb just gonna drink until I forget that people are actively sporting green lipstick of their own free will.