This Is What Really Goes On In The Guys' Bathroom

One of the greatest mysteries of human existence is what people of the opposite sex do when they go to the bathroom. We know what guys think girls do, and it’s mostly accurate. The crying. The false complimenting. The re-application of highlighter, and, most importantly, the low-key shot taking out of tiny bottles you keep in your purse. The one thing guys definitely have wrong is that they apparently think the ladies room is some kind of luxury paradise, complete with couches and nice smells. Sadly, as anyone who has visited a ladies’ room can attest, it’s just a regular bathroom with less urinals and more little metals boxes for tampons and stuff. The guys’ room, as far as I can tell, is exactly the same as the girls’ room except there is more open farting and exposed penises. But like…what do they do in there? Do they talk? Or do they just stand in silence desperately trying not to make eye contact or look at each other’s penises? Personally, what I imagine when I think of the men’s restroom feels pulled from a Saw movie, but I have a feeling that, much like the Kardashian-level accommodations men imagine for women, my idea of the men’s room might be overblown. So what do guys and girls do in the bathroom?

Betches investigates: 

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Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.