Get Ready For Tears: Weekly Horoscopes August 5-9

This week, the Leo Sun is making trines (that’s a 120 degree angle for those of you won don’t have the time/energy/money to buy multiple astrology books) with both Jupiter and Venus, meaning sh*t is about to get real and emotional. Use this time of heightened emotions to get some sh*t off your chest. You’ll feel a whole lot better by the weekend if you do.


Throw caution to the wind this week Aries, because spontaneity is the name of the game as the Leo Sun interacts with Jupiter. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself sending a risky text, posting a no-filter selfie, or just saying f*ck it and going live on Instagram. Wait actually…don’t go live on Instagram. That sh*t is insane.


Ya coulda had a bad bitch…somewhat committal. This is a big week for locking down your love life, whether it be by embracing the single life or by strengthening an existing relationship. This is the week to finally answer the “what ifs” in your romantic life, particularly the question, “what if I just block their number and never f*cking talk to them again?”


Hmm how do I put this, Gemini? It’s time for you to stfu and listen for a change. Aaaand you’re already not listening. I get it. But with the Leo Sun interacting with Jupiter in your house of partnerships this week, you could really get some valuable knowledge if you just sit down and listen to others for a sec. Wait…where are you going?? Gemini, come back!! Did you even hear what I just said?


Are you making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself? The answer is yes. This week, take time to simplify your f*cking life, whether it be by setting your alarm a little earlier so you no longer have to brush your teeth and put on socks at he same time, or by setting it a little later so you’re no longer falling asleep at your desk because Oprah said productive people wake up at 5am. I’m not sure if Oprah ever really said that, but regardless, we can’t all be Oprah. It’s impossible. Stop trying.


Your birthday month is still going strong, Leo, and the world knows it. Don’t be surprised if you receive some unexpected praise on a project you’ve been working on for months (at least someone noticed eventually), or if your skin finally starts responding to the 12-step-morning-and-night routine you adopted this summer. Career achievements and clear skin? I’d call you a bitch right now, but then you’d know I’m jealous.


Your usually rational self is in for a tidal wave of emotion this week, with the Sun interacting with Jupiter in your compassion zone. Don’t be surprised if you’re the person crying in the corner of the bar this week, instead of the person silently judging them. But hey! They could be happy tears! Like maybe you saw a dog or something!


If you don’t typically identify as a people person (same), you will by the end of this week. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself suddenly loving your coworkers, or sending your friends long, emotional texts about how much you appreciate them. Just don’t go overboard and do something crazy like publicly forgive your ex. They don’t deserve it.


This week is all about money moves for you Scorpio. With the Leo Sun in your house of professional ambitions interacting with Jupiter in your money zone, meaning it’s time to get serious about your career. Where do you want to be in five years? Five days? Five minutes? Launch the next phase of your professional life now and you’ll be getting an assistant to fill your corner office mini-fridge with La Croix in no time.


With Jupiter in your sign buddying up to the Sun in Leo, this is not the week to obey your inner filter. This is the week to say what you want, do what you want, and post what you want, regardless of whether the lighting is bad or it’s outside “peak hours.” You can work on whatever damage you’ve done to your reputation/life/relationships next week. This week just do you.


Why are you crying? Thank Jupiter and Venus. Suddenly, your ability to “power through” unsavory emotions is totally shot, and now you’re crying in a Trader Joe’s. Don’t worry. You’re not the first. Make peace with your heightened sensitivity this week and let those tears flow. You might actually feel better after.


Serious question…are you on molly? Because you’re feeling an emotional connection with just about everyone this week. Why? Because Venus and Jupiter are flooding your brain with endorphins. As we all know, endorphins make you happy, and sometimes happy people go to happy hour and end up declaring their undying love for a cute bartender they met five minutes ago. Just go with it.


Lucky you, Pisces! Venus and Jupiter and sending some much-needed energy into your career, so maybe don’t use your lunch break to stare at your phone eating salad. Maximizing professional connections this week could lead to major career growth in the future so lean tf in! Also don’t forget to wear your favorite “Future CEO” look.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.