Unfortunately, many of us are at the age when other betches are tying the knot. Like, no matter how hard we’ve tried to keep it from happening, the betch group is slowly succumbing to urban domesticity—a short step away from like, having kids (JESUS, NO), shopping for men’s underwear and socks, and quiet nights at home with a rented movie amidst a sea of toys and screeching spawn.
Since this is the beginning of such a disturbing chapter in betchdom, the least you can do for your bestie who’s getting married is fetch an amazing wedding gift. But like, how much you spend is extremely important and tricky. Never fear—per usual, we have your ass covered.
1. Don’t Use The “Price Per Plate” Rule Unless You’re Tacky
“What’s the price per plate rule?” you ask stupidly. Basically, it’s that whatever you assume the price per plate was, you pay that. This is extremely tacky, since you’re basically just saying “thanks for dinner, betch; here’s $25.” Like, you can go to a restaurant and do that. I should know—I do it every other day. And what if the couple is (for some reason) getting married in a backyard or like, an alley somewhere (they could be hipsters, IDK)? You can’t very well slip ’em $5 and call it a day. It’s not an exchange—it’s a goddamn gift. What if you’re going to a multi-million dollar wedding? Do you have $10k to give Betty Ann and Douglas to cover them renting out the yacht club? HIGHLY DOUBTFUL. But if you do, let’s be friends.
2. Consider Your Relationship With The Couple, Bride, Or Groom
Obviously, this is a biggie. If you’re going to the wedding of a co-worker, you probably won’t be giving them the same gift or money amount that you would for a sibling. Rule of thumb is that $50 is a good starting point. Less than that and we assume you’re poor or going by Rule No. 1—which we’ve already established is not the way to go. Keep up. Here’s a handy-dandy guide from The Knot:
– For someone you see every day like a coworker or boss, spend like, $50-$75
– For a relative or friend that isn’t a betch or bestie but like, they’re okay we guess, spend around $75-$100
– For a super close betch or immediate family member, spend like, $125-$200
3. Use Their Goddamn Registry
Ok, I’mma spit some truth for you. The bride and groom do not want a hand-me-down metal bucket that symbolizes love, hand-sewn pillow cases, strange artwork, or generally speaking, much of anything they HAVEN’T PUT ON THEIR REGISTRY. Having been a bride fairly recently, I can tell you that creating a registry is both aggravating and time-consuming, so when people take it upon themselves to go out and buy something THEY like without considering the bride/groom’s taste, it’s hella rude. This, obviously, does not apply to money which, like, we always want but can’t ask for. That’s tacky.
4. Being Broke Doesn’t Fucking Count
Don’t even pull this shit. Unless the couple is having a destination wedding which has required you to spend nearly $1,000 on hotel and airfare just to even get to the wedding, you need to bring a lil sumthin-sumthin. Like, even a few bottles of wine or a check for $50. C’mon, your ass isn’t that broke.
5. Buy It Within A Reasonable Time Frame
Again, as an ex-bride and wedding attendee extraordinaire, I really don’t understand people who—if they’re intending to get you a gift (which they should)—can’t seem to get their shit together within 3-4 months after the wedding. I JUST received a gift from my brother for my wedding in October. Like, yeah, he’s a 25-year-old guy, so, understandable. But others? There are online registries. We have malls everywhere. We have the technology! How difficult is it to go in and get a gift? Or send a check? Etiquette says that any gift within a year is acceptable, but we say you better get your shit together before then. Unless you’re sending it via dog sled team, there’s no excuse for late gifts in our book.