It’s officially May, and the most basic of the basics (aka girls who have summer weddings) are officially in bridezilla mode. I’m not sure who deemed summer weddings to be all that in the first place, but I’m going to go ahead and say that they should probably be shunned from society. Summer weddings are hot, humid, and consume a whole weekend where you’d rather be at the beach… unless of course you already are because, oh hell, it’s a beach wedding!
The month in which you have to attend a summer wedding plays a huge factor in its level of misery. May wedding? Sure, whatever, just don’t take my MDW. June? I guess her mom wanted her to be a traditional “June Bride.” (Idk, apparently, this is a thing.) But July? August? What kind of serial killing duo has a wedding during the HOTTEST months of the year? Sick fucks. I legit can’t even sleep if I’m not freezing cold, so I can’t imagine celebrating the holy ceremony of matrimony, and also (supposedly) the greatest day of my life, sweating my tits off.
Regardless, you’ve already RSVP’d and your fate is sealed. You’re unfortunately going to the wedding. Therefore, let’s cut the shit and try to figure out how to make the most of it. As someone who sincerely cares about you, I can only hope and pray that, for your sake, you at least get a hot Instagram pic for all your suffering. I mean, beach weddings do at least offer you a scenic background! Of course, that won’t do you any good if you’re wearing a fugly, unflattering dress. Sorry, but no filter can fix that. So here’s which summer wedding dress you should wear based on your body type.
Body Type: Hourglass
Hourglass body types should ALWAYS be accentuating their tiny waists, at weddings and in life. This means you’ll want a dress that is fitted; you’ve got a Kardashian bod so you need a Kardashian dress. Let’s just hope that your wedding experience goes better than Kim’s wedding to Kris Humphries. Basically, you’ll want something tight and structured; you’ll want to stay away from peasant dresses and muumuus, which will only hide your waist and make you look big. No thank you.
This maxi dress will show off all your curves while also keeping you classy AF. It’s the perfect example of a dress that will look effortlessly sexy. The dress comes in two summery, striking colors that will be sure to garner some positive attention and guarantee you’ll look hot, but not showy. No one likes a bitch thirsty for attention. With a bod like yours, you’ll already be drawing in attention, so the goal here is more subtly hot and less Ramona-as-Britney-Spears-in-red-latex-onesie hot. Understand?
Body Type: Pear/Triangle
If your body type is considered “pear” or “triangle” then this means you’re more bottom heavy; you most likely have full hips and a full rear. In order to balance out your appearance, you want to draw more attention to your upper body. This means that you’ll want to choose a dress with an interesting neckline, such as a v-neck or a scoop neck. You should also look for a dress that has embellishments or eye-catching details at the neckline. For the length, look for either a maxi or a midi to help elongate and consequently thin out your lower half.
This dress has a sheer top with embroidered detail which, together, perfectly draw attention to your upper half. The maxi length minimizes the appearance of your thicker bottom half, while the natural waistline enhances the appearance of your waist. Also to be noted, this dress in the lilac color is super on-trend, since purple is the “it” color for spring.
Body Type: Apple/Inverted Triangle
You’re top heavy, so let’s show off those chicken legs! I mean that lovingly. You’re #blessed with skinny legs, and therefore you’ll want to show off your best features and actually skip the maxi. You just need to be careful now to ensure that, with a shorter dress, you choose one that is still wedding appropriate. Since you’re already showing off your legs, you need to keep it conservative up top. And, if you’re worried about your post-passed apps stomach pudge, look for a dress with ruching in the middle/lower half to hide your stomach fat while also adding even more volume to your lower half.
Uhm, I’m obsessed with this dress. This dress is feminine, flirty and, of course, wedding appropriate. You’ll feel great in this dress since its shorter hem allows you to show off your legs, and its ruching hides your tummy. Win-win.
Body Type: Athletic/Rectangle
If you have an athletic or “rectangle” body type, then you should look for a dress that creates the illusion of curves. You should look for one with feminine details to add femininity and volume, like ruffles.
There legit isn’t a more perfect dress for YOUR body type than this one. Like, I’m just gonna say it: damn, I’m good. This dress has polka dots AND ruffles which, on a femininity scale of Kristen Stewart to Taylor Swift, is the equivalent of T-Swift in a signature red lip and a fit-and-flare dress. Basically, it’s as girly as it gets. Not to mention, there are also ruffle details specifically at the natural waistline, which automatically creates an illusion of curves. Ugh, seriously, if you don’t get this dress then you too deserve to be shunned like the psychos having this wedding in the first place.
All right, my work here is done. Now go and attempt to enjoy the hot AF, super basic wedding for the girl you’re barely friends with! The good news is that you can now do so while reveling in the fact that you’ll at least have a fire Insta to show for all of this torture. Bring on the likes.
Images: Revolve (4)