Cuffing Season, Round 2: Weekend Horoscopes March 1-3

We’re halfway through winter, and that can only mean one thing: it’s cuffing season, round 2. The stars are primed for us to all take a second shot at winter love, or to reexamine the relationships we started back in September.


Don’t be surprised if you’re phone is buzzing with “Hey! it’s been soooo long let’s [grab coffee/get a drink/blackout in an Uber Pool/whatever]” texts this weekend. You are glowing and literally everyone wants a piece. Frankly, you might want to turn off read receipts until Monday, because you’re bound to disappoint someone.


You might try to seem chill to the masses, but you’re like, obsessed with your love life right now. If you’re already in a relationship, this is a good weekend for a date night to re-solidify why you two like each other in the first place (the fact that they have an HBOGo password doesn’t count). If you’re not in a relationship, try to stop pretending you don’t give a f*ck for five minutes and let yourself meet somebody.


Congratulations Gemini! This is one of those rare weekends where you will actually accomplish something other than setting a new record for how much Postmates you can order. Make a list now of all the things you want to do, and get ready to spend the whole weekend enjoying the best feeling in the world: crossing things off your to-do list.


In astrological terms, your Venus has entered Aquarius in your eighth house of eroticism and intimacy, which roughly translates to “you’re horny as hell.” That’s fine. You are a beautiful, sexual goddess and there’s nothing wrong with being a little slutty, so do you. Express your sexy Venus-in-Aquarius self however you want this weekend, just set aside a little time Monday to Google Planned Parenthoods near you.


Okay so yes, your love life has been a mess since [insert your date of birth], but this is the the opportunity to fix that! Whether it be actually defining your current relationship, igniting a new flame, or reconnecting with that one hookup that wasn’t actually terrible, chances are you’ll come out of this weekend on more solid romantic footing. Whether or not you can keep it up remains to be seen…


Put Marie Kondo on repeat and get ready to spark some f*cking joy, Virgo, because you’re in the mood to organize your life. Buy yourself a bottle of your favorite winter wine and get ready to color coordinate your closet, reorganize your sock drawer, and finally part ways with that sparkly Forever 21 mini-dress from freshman year. You’re not going to wear it again, and the sequins are falling off. It’s time to let go.


This weekend is all about being extra and getting attention, Libra. Okay so every weekend is kind of like that for you, but this weekend more so. Pull out your favorite everybody-look-at-me outfit and get ready to turn some heads. There will be so many people clamoring to buy you drinks you’re gonna have to tell them to take a number.


Listen, Scorpios can get a bad rep, but this week you’re going to channel all your crazy ass Scorpio energy into all things domestic. Don’t be surprised to wake up Monday morning with a completely rearranged apartment, a 401k, and a husband of 5 years. You can dismiss him by Tuesday if it’s not working out.


The bitchy mood that has plagued you since 12:01am on January 1st is finally starting to dissipate, and you’re ready to be around people again! I mean, not all people, but more people than you’ve been able to tolerate the past few months. Celebrate this blessed event by going to a semi-crowded bar and not immediately hating everyone there.


Venus leaves your sign on Friday, meaning for the fist time in your life, you don’t give a f*ck about love or relationships. Delete the apps and use all the time you would have spent scouring profiles to like, start a business or some sh*t. Who knows what you can accomplish when you’re not constantly answering “U up?” texts.


As iconic BFF Dionne Davenport once said, makeovers give us a sense of control in a world full of chaos, and this is a weekend where you need some control. Whether it be a fresh cut, a new outfit, or a glam mani-pedi, you’re in the mood to step up your lewk. And for those of you working on a budget (hi me), going to Sephora and using the samples to create a full face look while not buying anything is always an option.


The time is ripe for you to catch feelings, Pisces. Luckily, that’s always been pretty easy for you to do. Don’t be afraid to get a little obsessed with someone this weekend. Worst comes to worst you get drunk, make a fool of yourself, and block their number forever. You’ve done it before.

Images: Giphy (4)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.