Cuffing Season is Upon Us: Weekly Horoscopes October 7-11

It’s a big week in astrology-land, so listen up, or you could make some major mistakes. Venus is in Scorpio setting you up for relationship craziness, but don’t go overboard trying to force a love connection where one doesn’t exist. Sure, the surge of romantic energy is great for getting your fall fling off the ground in time for Halloween, but you can’t marry someone just because you’ve thought of an amazing couples costume. Or can you? Let’s find out in this week’s horoscopes.


How’s your work-life balance, Aries? Too busy to answer that question because you’re at work? Yeah, it’s time to fix that. It’s time to restore some much needed leisure time to your daily schedule, before you ruin all the career gains you’ve been making by dying from exhaustion mid-meeting. You can’t be promoted if you’re dead, fam. Schedule some time this week for an absolutely no-work-allowed activity, like catching up with an old friend, or one of those dinners where nobody is allowed to use their phones. Your friends and coworkers will thank you for it.


The struggle is real, Taurus. And by “the struggle,” I mean the clash between your desire to get fit as f*ck and your desire to remain on the couch at all times. This week the stars are aligned to give you the push you need to get you off the couch and to the gym, so don’t let it go to waste. Sign up for your favorite fitness class now, and dust off your meal-prepping tupperware. There will still be plenty of time to hang out on your couch at the end of the day, I promise.


Don’t be alarmed, but you’re going to be even more of a flirt than usual this week. I know that seems impossible, but it’s true. The Sun is in your flirty fifth house, making you 100% that bitch who can’t stop leaving her phone number for any bartender over six feet that seems remotely stable. And here’s the thing…this time it just might work. One of the love connections you make this week could turn into something more by the holidays. If you don’t immediately forget all of their names, that is.


Repeat after me, Cancer: you can’t please everyone. You’ve been driving yourself crazy trying to make everyone happy but yourself and now—shocker—everyone’s happy but you! This week it is imperative that you take some time for yourself and give absolutely zero f*cks what anyone else thinks. I’m not saying burn down your coworker’s house, but taking some extra time for lunch or turning off your phone while taking a luxurious bubble bath never hurt anyone. Now go do one or both of those things this instant!!


Think before you post, Leo! This week you are in danger of oversharing, so you’re gonna wanna check and re-check any tweets, stories, snaps, or TikToks you put out into the world, particularly between the hours of 12 and 3 in the morning. Ask yourself: do my coworker from five years ago, high school ex, high school ex’s new wife, and thirteen-year-old cousin all need to see this? If the answer is no, save it for the group chat.


Your need for adventure is clashing with your need to not spend a million dollars on a bunch of bullsh*t, and it’s tough right now. Your heart is saying “impromptu Tulum trip with someone I met two days ago” but your mind is saying “that’s expensive and you might get murdered.” It sucks. Split the difference and plan a fun date at a slightly fancier bar than your usual go-tos. And never go with a stranger to a second location.


How’s your home life, Libra? On Wednesday you might have to confront some drama in your domestic life. In other words, get ready for a novel-length text from your roommate. And no, you can’t avoid confrontation by staying at your best friend’s place until your lease is up. Whatever the drama is, set aside to talk about it calmly as adults. And making sure all your dishes are out of the sink before the talk begins is always a good move.


You’re feeling like a bit of a hermit this week, Scorpio, and that’s fine. Halloween (aka your favorite holiday) is approaching, so why not take some time this week to embark on a solo scary movie marathon? That way you’re not technically doing nothing (you’re enriching yourself through the art of film, duh) and nobody has to see you totally lose your sh*t at the jump scares.


You’ve had it with the mixed messages Sagittarius, so this week cut the bullsh*t. If there’s a place in your life where you need some clarity, go get it, and fast. Now is the perfect time to make some serious moves for your future, but you can’t do it with inaccurate or unclear information. Take some time today to ask your friends/lovers/coworkers what they really mean, so you don’t have to waste any more time trying to figure it out.


Patience, Capricorn. Patience. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately and, I hate to break it to you, but it’s gotten you next to nowhere. Sometimes part of achieving your goals is waiting for them to materialize, and there’s no use burning the midnight oil to try to speed up the process. This week institute a no work after 7pm policy so you can re-focus on what really matters in life—binge watching season 3 of Big Mouth on Netflix.


You’re stuck in a career limbo right now and sadly all you can do about it is wait. Whether it be that you’re waiting to hear back about a new project, application, or risky text, this week is all about playing the waiting game while the universe handles things out of your control. On the bright side, you can definitely have 2-3 glasses of wine per night while you wait for the answers to materialize.


Woooooorrrrldstarrrr! I pity anyone who f*cks with you this week, Pisces. You’re not in the mood for any BS, and the slightest inconvenience has your typically chill sign ready to explode. If you have any calming essential oils, now is the time to deploy them. And it might not be a bad idea to draft your “sorry I flipped out and turned the table over at brunch” text now. Just in case.

Images: Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.