This week in insane cheerleading news, the entire Coastal Carolina cheerleading team was suspended indefinitely on Thursday and scrubbed from the school’s athletics website and all the school is saying about it is that there is a “conduct investigation.” Now you may be thinking, wtf is Coastal Carolina? Is it a party school? Why should I care? Coastal Carolina University is located near Myrtle Beach, and it was ranked the #4 party school in South Carolina by Niche. Their mascot is “Chauncy the Chanticleer,” which is apparently some kind of bird. And you should care because, what the school lacks in parties and mascots that people have heard of, they make up for in anonymous letters alleging that the entire cheerleading squad was engaged in “prostitution, purchasing alcohol for underage team members and paying others to complete their homework assignments.”
Umm…pause. One of these crimes is not like the the other. Getting mad at a college cheerleading squad that buys alcohol for underage members and pays people to do their homework for them would be like getting mad at an NFL player for accidentally setting off the gun he keeps in his sweatpants at a nightclub. What did you expect? But prostitution? That’s certainly…extra. Sure, cheerleading has a long history of trading sexual favors for social capital, but capital-capital? That’s too far. I mean, first of all, isn’t cheerleading like, a huge time commitment? Who has time to be a cheerleader, a student, and a prostitute all in one semester? I guess that’s where the “paying students to do your homework for you” comes into play. Something has to give, and if it’s not going to be the having sex for money, it might as well be the schoolwork. Now, of course, we don’t know for sure if this is true, but if it is, I think it’s safe to say that this is the craziest fucking thing to happen in cheer since the Toros found out they stole all the Clovers’ cheers.
CCU isn’t giving out a ton of info on this situation, given that “prostitute school” isn’t really what any college wants on their Princeton Review page, but here’s what we do know—a
prostitute team member who chose to remain anonymous (wonder why) told WMBF News that Horry County police officers met with several team members and eventually released everyone with no charges, telling them that they “did nothing wrong.” Police did, however, look through the girls’ phones, so RIP the police officer who had to look through seven Coastal Carolina cheerleaders’ photostream. There’s no way he’ll ever be the same.
CCU Cheer was set to host a national cheer competition next week, but that shit is obviously no longer happening. The team has also been barred from competing at nationals which, if Bring It On taught us anything, is basically the worst thing that could possibly happen to a cheerleading squad apart from being publicly accused of being a prostitution ring.
As a result, the team has released the following statement:
“At this point in time, we no longer wish to be contacted about the current situation. The false accusations have led to harassment on campus as well as through social media, and are beginning to negatively impact our daily lives as well as our studies. As a team we ask the community to support us through these tough times as we hope the situation will be cleared up shortly.
The Coastal Carolina Cheerleading Team
Bold move to include your team hashtag in the letter you send to the public addressing allegations of prostitution, but hey, whatever makes you feel better. Also, I’m sure you don’t wish to be contacted anymore about the current situation, but that’s not how being in a the middle of a public scandal works. Like, I’m sure Bill Clinton would have liked to “stop being contacted” about Monica Lewinsky, or Lindsay Lohan would like to “stop being contacted” about her life generally, but they should have thought about that before fucking their intern or being a giant mess every second. An entire cheerleading squad being suspended for alleged prostitution is just too good for people to pass up, and given that the school has yet to release any information, saying that the investigation is ongoing, please allow us to wildly speculate based on almost no evidence as to what is going on:
1. They Are Actually A Prostitution Ring That Dabbles In Underage Drinking & Light Homework Fraud.
This is the easiest, juiciest conclusion, so it’s the one that basically everyone is hoping is true, not only because it’s just an insane story, but because of the Lifetime original movie that will inevitably based on it. I can see it now. Lindsay Lohan as the head cheerleader/madame, Shia Labeouf as the scorned boyfriend/anonymous letter writer, Britney Spears stunt cast as the Dean of Students. Nick Viall cameos as the squad’s wealthy client. This shit literally writes itself.
2. Someone Just Made It All Up Because They’re Jealous
As well all know, one cannot help it that one is popular, one can only be sorry that people are so jealous. There is def a large chance that some person who either a) wanted to be a cheerleader and didn’t get on b) watched too many teen movies and now hates cheerleaders or c) got dumped/rejected/friend zoned by one of the cheerleaders got mad and wrote this letter. Cheerleaders and other beautiful people are subjected to this kind of hatred on a daily basis. It’s very sad. If we all work together, maybe we can someday live in a world where cheerleaders are not the victims of such harassment. Call your representatives.
3. They Did Some Of It But They’re Not Prostitutes
I mean, the stuff about underage drinking and homework buying is probably true. They’re college cheerleaders at a university on the beach. The fact that they DGAF about their schoolwork and drink before turning 21 is not news to anyone. Whoever sent the letter probably included two real things to make the prostitution seem more viable, meaning that whoever wrote this letter is a nasty skank bitch. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.
4. This Is A ‘Sugar And Spice’ Situation
Much like the 2001 teen cheerleading film Sugar and Spice, we could be dealing with an entire squad of cheerleaders that has turned to a life of crime in order to help support the newly pregnant head cheerleader after being disowned. It’s just instead of robbing banks, the CCU girls opted for prostitution. This is currently my fav theory. Only question I have left is do they wear the Betty masks while prostituting themselves, and is James Marsden involved? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.