Okay people, it is 2017. Donald Trump is president. Barack Obama is windsurfing with Richard Branson in Hawaii while the director of the FBI testifies that Putin hacked our election, and there is one thing that we absolutely need to talk about: Clear. Plastic. Boots. Every couple of years, some clear plastic item of clothing becomes popular for a hot minute—whether it be umbrellas, jeans with holes, or whatever the fuck—and we all rush out and buy them before realizing that plastic is actually hot and sticky and not at all fun to wear. This year, the clear plastic trend has unfortunately fallen to boots, meaning that “high fashion” women are stuffing their legs into saran wrap and walking around like it’s okay. I blame the Kardashians. Poor timing to hate on that family, I know.
Kim—if you’re reading this (and you are), much power and all for opening up about your robbery on this week’s episode. But I have a shit talking session to resume and now isn’t the time to find a scapegoat in this clear plastic tragedy. As we all know, one of the Kardashian family’s main goals is finding new and exciting ways to avoid wearing clothes while still, somehow, wearing clothes. We get it, most of you have great metabolisms, Khloé has Revenge Body, and Kylie’s entire body and face was molded out of clay in an LA outpatient clinic. But this is too far. Take our shirts, our dresses, and our jumpsuits. Make them see through, so be it. But our shoes? We can’t have one nice thing? Preferably the thing that lets us not shave our legs??
After reviewing the above image, the problems with this trend are clear (get it???). For one, Ziploc bags are great for sandwiches, but why would I want to wear them? Looks like your mom packed your feet for school lunch. Bye.
Speaking of school, let me educate you with a little bit of science. Am I a scientist? Fuck no. I’ve heard that’s like, hard. But four years of high school and one semester of a science elective did teach me that trapping your foot in an enclosed shoe—without socks, may I add—will lead to sweat. Sweat = moisture. Moisture =
the essence of beauty evaporation. Evaporation = steam. And that is basically the Greenhouse Effect. Do you want moss to grow inside your shoes? Didn’t think so. Your feet will start to look like you’re in your own personal steam room and will smell like sweaty plastic. If you want to look stupid as hell walking around in a cloud of fog, might I suggesting vaping? Seriously, there is no way Kim’s foot temperature is not 100+ degrees here:
So let’s say that even after my incredible arguments above, you are still tempted to slide into a giant leg condom. Okay. Can you tell me one cute way to wear them? I’ll wait. Are you planning on wearing these boots over your knee in some kind of futuristic stripper ensemble? Please explain how you would avoid the boot wrapping around your thigh and it squeezing out all of the problems you binge-ate this winter. Will you have to lube up your leg before putting them on? Try again. Or you could take note from Kylie Jenner, who recently paired a short pair of booties with sweatpants.
Basically, if you want to look like Cinderella on her way out of Hot Topic, or a D-Team Power Ranger (like, so off-brand you weren’t even granted a color), then I HIGHLY recommend these shoes. If you want to continue having friends, any other shoe, like literally any other shoe, is a better option. Looking at you, Crocs.
But again, Kim, so so so glad you are safe.