Clear Eyes, Full Moon, Can’t Lose: Weekly Horoscopes October 14-18

There’s a full moon in Aries this week, and you know what that means! Oh wait…you don’t? That’s literally why you read these articles? Don’t worry. I’m on it. A full moon in Aries means now is the perfect time to go full speed ahead into a new project, particularly if it’s one you’ve felt too scared or anxious about to begin. An Aries full moon makes us project-starting machines, giving us the leadership and confidence to see things through to the end. Basically, it’s the Girl Boss Moon, and it’s up to you to figure out what to do with it.


Do you feel that? That’s the feeling of the moon in your own damn house, telling you to take what’s yours. This week is not the week for hanging back at the meeting, holding off another day on sending a risky email or text, or anything that does not serve you or your goals. Does this mean you’re going to be 1,000% more annoying to those closest to you while you take your goals to the finish line? Yep. But don’t worry. They love you anyway.


As a wise woman once said, you need to calm down, Taurus. This week the world will be getting on your very last nerve, from coworkers asking stupid questions, to friends pushing boundaries, to exes still continuing to exist even though you specifically asked them not to. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy. Make sure to carve out some special Taurus time so you can decompress from all the dumbasses out there by focusing on the one person you can trust to always come correct: your motherf*cking self.


TMI, Gemini!! You’re typically your friend group’s best storyteller, but this week some of your good judgement is clouded, leaving you in danger of providing the world with a little too much information. Before launching into the epic story of your last sexual escapade (or your most recent battle with IBS), ask yourself, “do my friends really need all of this information?” If not, spare them the messy details. Speaking of messy, as a rule of thumb, anything involving bodily fluids should be best kept between yourself and your doctor.


You’re running on fumes after trying to please literally everyone on this Earth every second of the day, Cancer, and guess what? Now you’re f*cking tired. This week, please, for the love of Lizzo, show yourself at least a tenth of the love you’ve been showing everybody else. Pick up your favorite fall coffee treat (not saying it has to be pumpkin, but not not saying it, either). Pop in for your favorite spa treatment. Take a nap in the middle of the goddamn day. Just please, please, be good to yourself. You deserve it.


Brace yourself, Leo. The stars are aligned for you to have an uncomfortable realization about someone close to you this week. It could be a fake friend you finally realize is fake, a coworker who has been secretly talking sh*t to your boss, or the age-old realization that all those times your parents told you not to come into their room because they were napping, they were really having sex. No matter what it is, try to find time to appreciate this realization and let it give you better clarity going forward.


You’re in the mood to f*ck somebody up this week, Virgo, but let’s make sure that somebody isn’t yourself. Yes, it is frustrating when you have to go to a meeting that could have been an email, or when someone is walking too goddamn slow on the sidewalk, but do you really need to go nuclear on them? Sure, burning down your ex’s house seems fun, but ultimately it’s just a mess and you’ll most likely end up in jail. Also, what if they have really good insurance and your scheme backfires and makes them rich? Then you’re in jail and your ex is richer than you. Horrible.


Fall home makeover! You’re feeling particularly domestic this week, Libra, meaning it is the perfect time to carve pumpkins, decorate your apartment, or pull out your fall wardrobe. Sure, the weather changes every five seconds and you might legitimately need those shorts tomorrow, but once the leaves start to change, who can resist pulling out their favorite sweaters and cozying up with some hot spiked cider? Even if it is like 80 degrees outside.


Dust off your My Chemical Romance CD and get thee to a Hot Topic, because you’re feeling emo as f*ck this week. It’s fine. Everyone has a 15-year-old emo kid inside them who must be let out every once in a while (usually to go to Warped Tour). This week, let yourself feel your feelings, even if that means being a little gloomy or low for a few days. Just try not to make any drastic hair decisions until this mood has passed. Feelings are temporary, but Manic Panic hair dye lasts at least six to eight weeks.


This Aries full moon has you literally bubbling over with big ideas and the motivation to execute them, so don’t let it go to waste! Hit up helpful professional connections now and get the ball rolling on your next big idea. Who knows? Come this time next year you could be the inventor of the world’s very first dating app that lets you know if someone is actually cool or just tall. (Feel free to steal that idea…)


Usually your competitive nature is what helps you get ahead, but you’re in danger of taking it too far this week, Capricorn. You know jealousy and competitiveness tend to come from your own insecurities, so take some time this week to take stock of all the things you have that you’re grateful for. Going all cutthroat and trying to destroy your enemies to get ahead usually doesn’t work out. If it did, Sharpay would have been in the musical, and Gabriela would have stayed in the goddamn science lab where she belonged.


You’re in the mood for some new experiences, Aquarius, and this full moon in Aries is giving you just the push to make that happen. Plan something fun for yourself that’ll help expand your horizons, either by checking out a new movie or museum, or just engaging in some good old Fall activities like apple picking or pumpkin patch-ing. It’ll scratch your itch for a new adventure, and as an added bonus, you’ll get all the cute fall instas you could possibly need.


Oh, Pisces. Your gullible nature might get the best of you this week as some nefarious characters take advantage of your trust for their own gains. Sure this girl at the bar seems nice, but is she really going to complete that Venmo charge if you agree to cover her drinks for the night? And do you really believe that she lost her debit card “in a fire”? If so, I’ve got a few multi-level marketing schemes I’d love to get you in on…

Images: Natalya Letunova / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.