Working fucking sucks. Sorry for all you college betches who watch too many movies where a hot 20-something has a cool job doing literally nothing and lives in a 3,000-square-foot Tribeca penthouse, but that’s not what it’s like out here. I’ve been out of college for what feels like forever just grinding away and I can barely afford to rent out a room in a shitty apartment in Queens, okay? And I’m not even poor-poor. I’m just millennial-who-graduated-during-the-Great-Recession-poor, which is like, America’s new middle class. But for British betches, or those of us in the States who are looking for just one more reason to place an ad on Craigslist with the subject SEEKING BRITISH HUSBAND: ALL AGES WELCOME, a new office building in London has announced that it will feature a “Champagne On Demand” button at every desk, meaning you can be both miserable and drunk, which is honestly one of every self-respecting millennials’ top five mental states after “tired and drunk” or “sad and sober.” Bloody brilliant, mate!
But before you go downloading British Bumble, or re-connecting with that one weird exchange student with the fucked up teeth from high school, slow your roll because the building isn’t ready yet, meaning you have some time to figure out your living arrangements abroad and what not. However, Enstar Capital, the luxury developer in charge of this incredible project has a pretty elegant plan for how to get Champagne into the hands of every thirsty (or bored) office member who needs it with this nifty button marked “Ring For Champagne” for those btton skeptics that don’t believe such a wonderful invention could ever be possible:
Legit, it could only be simpler if they installed a Champagne tap at every desk, with a funnel that goes straight into your mouth. What a time to be alive. And in case you were wondering, you can also order other bougie shit like caviar if you want your coworkers to know you fancy.
And for the low, low price of $688 a square foot, you too can convince your boss to install some Champs on demand buttons in your office! So if you work at a hedge fund or like, Google, this could be possible. For everyone else, we’re SOL.
If you’re thinking that this sounds v familiar, you’re probs like me and watch too much Bravo because Heather Dubrow from RHOC has one of these miraculous bubbly buttons in her closet. And while that’s cool and all, I need a buzz way worse when I’m doing stupid work shit than if I were to be in a closet that’s bigger than the aforementioned room in Queens. And while both sound amazing, a mansion in California with the world’s biggest closet, a Champagne button and a personal butler to bring it to me probs isn’t in the cards for a minute, so I guess for now I’m getting a job in London. Cheers!