As another hot girl summer approaches, another celebrity break-up season rages on. There’s nothing relatable about rich, famous, A-listers falling in love on mega-yachts circling private islands, and the way they choose to share with us nosey peons that they’ve called it quits is no different. Don’t get me wrong: I’m far from complaining. There was once a time in Old Hollywood history when the industry’s biggest stars like Audrey Hepburn and Sophia Loren could suffer scandalous break-ups with studs like Cary Grant but did so without the ability to clue stans in by posting pointed motivational quotes on their Instagram stories. Gratefully, those dark days of pre-Internet privacy are over and if we must hear about Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell not washing their sheets, it’s only fair that they have to tell us if and when they’ll no longer share that filthy bed, know what I mean?
My tin hat theory on the latest eyebrow-raising divorce announcement is that maybe Isla Fischer and Sacha Baron Cohen caught an early screening of Challengers and felt inspired by Zendaya’s tennis looks. Plausible? Not really, but here are some of the most bizarre celebrity break-up announcements, anyway.
Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus
While this announcement was far more tame than their very messy split, Liam’s business-casual coded statement to Instagram after the news broke still makes me giggle. He starts with “Just a quick note to say that” he and Miley have separated, though he wishes her the best. Liam then goes on to state this is a “private matter” on which he refuses to speak to “any journalists or media outlets about” and that “any reported quotes…are false,” ending by signing off with “Peace and Love.” BRB, making that my new email signature.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
Everyone was rooting for Jen’s second marriage following the salacious mess that was Brangelina, but alas they weren’t meant to be. The most absurd part about her and Justin’s divorce announcement was that they seemed angrier at the media than each other, jointly stating: “Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative.” My fictional narratives about Justin Theroux have never included Jennifer Aniston, FWIW.
Anna Farris and Chris Pratt
Let’s start with the fact that Crisp Ratt dropped this breaking news on Facebook, of all places, and signed it for both himself and Anna from his account… very suss. The following first two lines are all you need to tell you a man definitely wrote this: “Anna and I are sad to announce we are legally separating. We tried hard for a long time, and we’re really disappointed.” They’re “sad” and “disappointed” after “trying hard”? Is this a divorce announcement or a Google review for a shitty haircut?
Romeo Beckham and Mia Regan
The low-key forgotten Beckham spawn, Romeo, split from Mia Regan after five years of dating. Romeo told the world he still loved and respected “Mooch” through their parting of ways. Mia’s Instagram statement lived up to her quirky nickname, ending with “after 5 years we friend-zoned each other heheh.” A master class in shading yourself and your ex at the same time, if I ever saw it.
Offset and Cardi B (The First Time)
Offset’s comment 💔💔💔 pic.twitter.com/7LZC3mEnej
— Complex (@Complex) December 5, 2018
Cardi and the Migos rapper have more public break-ups than hit songs together, but this particular separation was the most iconic. After everyone kept “bugging” Cardi to set the record straight on her relationship status, Cardi responded by posting on Instagram that the couple was not “together any more. It might take time to get a divorce,” but still she’d always “have love for [Offset],” because of their daughter, Kulture. Offset then gave Twitter hours of entertainment by commenting on her post “Y’all won.” Ya, it was us and not the endless cheating rumors, pookie.
Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy
Here is the official statement from @RealMissPiggy and myself regarding our relationship: pic.twitter.com/uHCSsokqWR
— Kermit the Frog (@KermitTheFrog) August 4, 2015
The fact that the relationship status of two felt puppets was front-page news is absurd in and of itself, if we’re being real. It’s even wilder that the Head Mice at Disney’s best joke to promote their new Muppets reboot was to blow up an iconic 38-year-long duo by making Kermit cheat with a “brunette named Denise” but I guess no one said the patriarchy had a great sense of humor.
Julie Banderas and Andrew Sansone
If you don’t recognize either of these people at first glance, that’s probably a good thing. Julie is an anchor on Fox News (hold for tomatoes) that went on a “fuck Valentine’s Day” rant, calling the holiday “stupid,” and going on to say “I mean, even when I was married, I didn’t get shit.” This was a little surprising to viewers considering she was still married at the time until Julie clarified that she was getting a divorce and this was how she chose to drop said breaking news. You know what Julie… you still ate that little one, that little one thing.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Do we even have to explain the statement from the founding fathers of peaceful celebrity break-ups? Goop and Coldplay forever changed the landscape of popular culture with two little words: conscious uncoupling. Gwenyth has since said she was shocked by the uproar their word choice caused, but making herstory is never easy, is it?
Isla Fischer and Sacha Baron Cohen
Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher announce divorce:
“After a long tennis match lasting over twenty years, we are finally putting our racquets down. In 2023 we jointly filed to end our marriage.” pic.twitter.com/w6R1B4DWfm
— Pop Base (@PopBase) April 5, 2024
If Isla Fischer and Sacha Baron Cohen are ushering us into a new era of quirky metaphorical break-up announcements, we are so here for it. The couple wrote over a throwback pic of themselves dressed up in matching uniforms “After a long tennis match lasting over twenty years, we are finally putting our racquets down. In 2023 we jointly filed to end our marriage.” If I’m understanding this tennis comparison correctly, the implication is that marriage is a long, exhausting game of confusing rules that occasionally gets horny? So weird millennials aren’t running to the altar.
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
Some of you may consider this last one cheating, but JB dropping “Love Yourself” only for Selena to counter with “Lose You To Love Me” a few years later was the most dramatic and drawn-out dual break-up announcement of all time. A gift for Beliebers and Selenators, alike.
