As the world continues to crumble around us, it’s important for us to take solace in what few reminders of happiness remain: Beyoncé, a fertile woman, is with child(ren). She communicated as much in an Instagram post that wouldn’t look out of place with your mom’s senior pictures from the 80s. If that sounds like a weird way to announce a pregnancy, get the fuck off the internet, mom, and go back to playing backgammon with strangers on Yahoo! Games.
Also fertile? The Beyhive. To date, they’ve blessed her with 8.3 million likes—a currency more valuable than gold and a gift more precious than life itself. This would, technically, make it the most-liked Instagram post of all time. The previous record, held by Selena Gomez, was a fucking sponsored post featuring her trying mightily (and failing) to pretend that someone who looks like her has ever actually consumed full-calorie soda.
Is Beyoncé’s vague nod to Mary, mother of Jesus, a sign that she’s giving birth to the second coming of Christ (and also, a second child that will have a HUGE chip on its shoulder)? Is she giving birth to a pair of Antichrists after Obama failed to fulfill his destiny? Is she going to single-handedly rebuild Destiny’s Child in all its glory with her own children?
No way to tell. All I know is that I, you, we, the population of a small nation—we all like it.
