I don’t like inviting men into women’s business but when this whole Kendrick vs. Drake beef popped off, and more and more savagely petty bangers hit Spotify over virtually nothing, I couldn’t help but think: Have the men gagging over this low-level beef ever heard of The Real Housewives? Jay-Z vs. Nas was a rap beef for the ages. Nicki vs. Lil’ Kim was the cold war of musical massacres, which is pretty much the reason we have the incomparable “Roman’s Revenge.” But if you think the decade-long blood feud between Ramona Singer and Bethenny Frankel isn’t just as hardcore, you’re dead wrong (“Ramona’s Revenge,” if you will). Housewives are professional UFC fighters who use their words instead of their fists (usually). If we were to take the stone-cold one-liners these women sling all season (let alone the bars they spit live during the reunions) and turn them into songs, half of Bravo’s most elite Housewives would have more Billboard chart-topping hits than Rick Ross. There are so many iconic Housewives feuds that it feels nearly impossible to narrow it down.
Thus, I’d be remiss to start the breakdown without an honorable mention of a few lyrically gangster faceoffs that didn’t make the cut: Marlo vs. Sheree (“Why do you have two cars and not a house?”/”Why do you have a townhouse and an Aston Martin?”), Kim D. vs. Teresa (“piece of shit cokewhore homewrecker every day”) and Candiace vs. Ashley ( “try me in that kangaroo restaurant, don’t try me in my house”/”we’re in your mama’s house right now. Don’t ruin your mama’s table”). And those are just the tiniest tip of the iceberg. Let’s break down the best Real Housewives feuds, bar for bar. These beefs are rated R for reality TV ruthlessness, so read at your own discretion.
Best Real Housewives Feuds Of All Time
Ramona vs. Bethenny
The Queen B and The Singer Stinger started off as friends(ish), and did sustain a few occasional bouts of peace, but often went at it on and off for nearly 10 seasons straight never running out new digs. What was the root of the issue? Ramona, while rude to just about anyone, became increasingly jealous of Bethenny’s unprecedented rise to Forbes stardom after launching Skinny Girl, so she pounced on every opportunity to rip apart Bethenny’s self-sabotaged personal life (which happened to be a lot). Their feud was one of two problematic giants with daddy issues who hated each other but still managed to be there for each other through divorces, deaths, illnesses, and when a bigger bad called for all hands on deck (LuAnn on her cabaret high was an unspeakable monster).
The Diss Track: “The Brooklyn Bridge Is Falling Down”
Ramona: At least I have friends / you have no friends / who are your friends? / you have nobody in your life / right now you have Jason / you’ll probably mess that up too.
The Diss Track: “Mention It All”
Ramona: You were topless / you had sex on a waterbed / you kissed another woman / I never mentioned it / you never had money until you fucked
Bethenny: Mention it all, mention it all / because I make my own living / you don’t even work
The Diss Track: “Horror Show”
Bethenny: You’re 60 years old / I grew up abused too / you should be living in a commune by yourself in a padded room
Bethenny: You got your tits hanging out / your hair down to here / you got crazy eyes / you got fucking chicken in your purse / drinking fucking rose behind the couch / screaming that it’s cold in here / you’re a horror show
Teresa vs. Danielle Staub
The fighting between Danielle and Teresa was more than beef. A tentative friendship quickly turned into a blood feud. Teresa and Danielle were cool until a book about Danielle’s criminal past, exaggerated or otherwise, made Jacqueline, Caroline, and Dina bring a lot of questions to Teresa’s attention that Danielle didn’t want to answer. When Teresa and Danielle got heated in the same room, both women turned into comic book villains; Teresa magically morphed into the Hulk, always managing to barrel past multiple cast mates, heavyweight security guards, and Andy Cohen himself to try and get her hands on her foe. Danielle was more like Dr. Octopus. She had her tentacles stirring up anything dirty within her reach (the woman was also beefing with a teenager).
The Diss Track: “19 Times”
Danielle: Two things are written that are true / name change and I got arrested / pay attention, PLEASE
Teresa: I am paying attention / obviously there has to be something else / you were strippin’ / prostitution whore / you were fucking engaged 19 times *flips table*
The Diss Track: “Broken Heels in the Country Club”
Teresa: I don’t wanna call you honey / because you’re an old hag, so I don’t wanna call you honey, bitch / is that better? / is bitch better?
Danielle: I saw the house you lived in Teresa / before you moved into the mansion / and that’s in foreclosure
The Diss Track: “Crinoline and Lace”
Danielle: And here’s a little message for Teresa / my kids wore lace and crinoline at those ages /my dogs wear leopard
Kenya vs. Phaedra
When Kenya entered as the new girl on the block on RHOA a lot of people took notice including Phaedra’s husband Apollo. Well, at least according to Kenya. Phaedra tried to be the bigger woman and even offered to go into business on a workout video with Kenya which only made their feud go ten levels deeper when the deal fell to pieces, only further pushed over the edge when Kenya tried to cosplay Phaedra’s look in a mesh dress with ridiculous ass pads. The two became mortal enemies ever since, especially after Apollo exposed alleged flirty texts in which Kenya offered to take Phaedra’s place at a moment’s notice. Reading is an Olympic sport in Atlanta and these two are multiple gold medal recipients.
The Diss Track: “The Actress”
Kenya: You’re the only one up here acting you know why / because you’re playing a southern belle / and you’re nothing like a southern belle / I’m not your puppet / you weren’t relevant until I came on the show
Phaedra: You got a fake boyfriend / you got a fake house / nothing’s original about you darlin’ / we’ve got single white female / we’ve got black delusional Kenya
The Diss Track: “Sperm Donor”
Phaedra: While she’s sittin’ around / talking about my husband and the father of my children / she spends her weekends peddling through sperm banks / looking through catalogs to try and find a donor / honey, you don’t know if your baby daddy will be an axe murderer or a child molester / because what you will know is that he needed 10 dollars to get him a medium-sized pizza / he ejaculated in a cup so you could have a kid / now check that
The Diss Track: “Mr. Chocolate”
Phaedra: These hens can cluck all they want / I’m not afraid to take them to the slaughterhouse if they need to go
Monica Garcia vs. Lisa Barlow
Monica was new to the group and broke the bank just to somewhat fit in. So it didn’t sit well with her when Lisa spent hours crying over losing a $60,000 ring in the airport bathroom that most people couldn’t afford in the first place. No big deal right? Huge deal. That one difference of opinion spiraled into some of the most brutal showdowns Salt Lake has ever seen that even Ted Bundy would be scared of. In retaliation, Lisa poked Monica in an obvious sensitive spot: her relationship with her mother. From there, the two loudest women on the cast could never get back on track but they dropped enough 10/10 insults to fill an entire album.
The Diss Track: “The Big One”
Lisa: What’s your deal with me Monica? / when you can afford to buy a $58,000 ring / you’ll care about it too
Monica: Angie, you live up her ass so stay there / No one can hear you, because your dog is barking for you
The Diss Track: “Crying On A Private Plane”
Lisa: If I wanted to hang out with Snoop Dogg / trust me, I’d be hanging out with Snoop Dog / guess what, don’t be triggered / you’re at my party / eat the fabulous stuff I worked hard for
Monica: The only person coaching is you coaching Angie / no one coaches me / I say what the fuck I want to say / so don’t start with me / you’re gonna open Pandora’s box
The Diss Track: The Wannabe
Monica: I feel like Lisa’s obsessed with me / my name stays in her mouth / choke on it, choke on it / I just can’t imagine being middle-aged and so bitter / If your life is so perfect go live and be happy
Lisa: 50-year old wannabe? / she wants to be me / she wishes she could have what I have / that’s why she carries a fake Chanel
Diss Track: Sound Bowl Deep
Monica: You’re like a little tramp stamp / you beg for attention everywhere you go / old people need it / yeah, she’s older but you wear it
Lisa: Maybe you’d be in a better mood / if you didn’t have to pay for drinks / we were dealt the same deck of cards / she plays with the twos / I play with the face cards
The Diss Track: 10PM in Bermuda
Monica: Leather rubbery bitch Donald Trump ass shut the fuck up [mic drop]
NeNe vs. Kim Zolciak
NeNe and Kim were thick as thieves but their girl talk quickly devolved into a clash of the titans when Kim’s head got big (or as Nene would say, even bigger) after meeting her infamous sugar daddy Big Poppa and pursuing a music career that broke many a glass along the east coast. There were exposed affairs, smackdowns in tour buses, professional pocket-watching, and literal espionage in each other’s homes. Nene and Kim’s cataclysmic fallout across multiple seasons of the show and of their lives is evidence Atlanta is that girl you really don’t wanna mess with.
The Diss Track: Big Poppa
NeNe: Close your legs to married men / close your legs to married men / you heard me / you’re the one that’s trouble / you’re the one that’s going around lying on everybody / every chance you get you lie / because you made a comment already that you would beat my ass / I’d like to see that happen
The Diss Track: Parking Police
NeNe: Are you the parking meter motherfucker? / I can park wherever I want to / is you handicapped all the damn diseases you done had? / where is your scooter? / you done had everything that happened / where is your scooter?? / where is it??
The Diss Track: Low Budget Bitch
Kim: You have no class / you are so evil / don’t ever call me again / you are a low-budget bitch
The Diss Track: “Vacation at The Zoo”
NeNe: Diana ain’t going nowhere / we’re about to get this party started / and we’re gonna stay in your friend’s room / cheers to the girls’ trip / you better watch those B words though / you better watch those before you end up over there in the ocean
This Diss Track: “Roaches and Mimosas”
NeNe: Can’t none of all y’all step in my house and say a motherfuckin’ thing / all my shit is brand new with real tags on it, with real labels / cut it off bitch / please don’t get my wig in a bunch / I can’t believe Kim has the audacity to run around act like I got roaches in my house / I’m sure she’s got worms inside her ass
Kim vs. Rinna
The devil works hard, but Lisa Rinna worked harder to keep her long-held spot on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The accusations Lisa was willing to sling for sport at her castmates ranged from faked illnesses, illegal drug use, and even accusing Kim Richards of relapsing from her sobriety, eventually going as far as to say Kim was “close to death.” Big yikes. Kim in return clapped back with some serious heat (and a stuffed bunny rabbit). Their rift gave us the most iconic fight in Housewives history: the Dinner from Hell in Amsterdam. Lisa got Kim so heated, that everyone caught smoke. Kim took most of the blame at the time, but we all low-key owe her an apology considering in hindsight how hard Lisa tried her.
The Diss Track: “Amsterdamn”
Kim: Shut your mouth, I’ve had enough of you / beast / I’ve never found one thing to like about you / from your hair to your face to your attitude
Kim: Kathy would never act like this / Kathy would have my back / like a real sister
Kim: Why don’t you have a piece of bread? / and maybe you’ll calm down
Kim: Let’s talk about the husband / let’s not talk about what you don’t want out / just sayin’ / what you don’t want out for everybody to know / you better watch what you talk about me or everybody will know / everybody will know what you don’t want
Kim: She can’t lie about me / or everybody will know what is true / go run after your new friend Kyle / she lies about me / and all I said was I gonna tell the truth about her life
The Diss Track: “Bunny Back”
Lisa: I think you’re a sick woman / to do something like that / Kim you just wanna be on a show / and I’m your meal ticket / I’m it, baby
Kim: I’ve been yours for the last few years / talk, talk, talk about me and I’m not even on the show
