The beginning of this week’s Real Housewives of New York City episode is kind of like Mean Girls in the sense that Carole sees a little spark of coolness in Tinsley and tries to take her under her wing. Except, the difference is that Cady Heron had a great natural hair color and Tinsley’s only committed relationship is with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. (Disclaimer, I’m not judging her for that at all. I don’t even know what my natural hair color is.)
Sonja’s live-in boyfriend, Frenchie aka Edgar, flies back to France. He claims he has like, shit to do or whatever, but I think he’s just annoyed that she keeps going to the bathroom with the door open.
Tinsley is still looking for an apartment, which is kind of shocking to me. If you’ve ever looked for an apartment, you’ve probably had a moment where you were like “wow, this would be so much easier if I was rich.” For some reason, Tinsley, who is rich, needs multiple episodes to find an apartment to rent. Like, come on.
Tinsley: $9,000 is a lot of money. But I have a job. And also some family money, so I can afford it.
“Some” family money? Like how Donald Trump’s dad gave him a “small” loan? Fuck outta here.
She looks at two apartments with her realtor BFF and her mom. One’s downtown and one is in her comfort zone, aka the Upper East Side. She’s also still agonizing over whether she could ever possibly move downtown, as if someone’s asking her to move to like, Nebraska. God forbid someone ask this bitch to move to Brooklyn. I’d pay to see that honestly.
Over at Carole’s cat crypt, her ripped-up couch is apparently developing into a storyline. It’s literally a 60-year-old couch and she’s looking to get it fixed. I’m so bored I could die. Anyway, fixing the sofa that her cats literally attacked isn’t the only change that Carole has made in her apartment. She forced her boyfriend, Adam, to move out and she’s like, totally loving life now.
Carole: It may seem bitchy to say I’m glad that Adam moved out… but, I am.
Adam comes over to go through his stuff with Carole to make sure everyone’s shit is in its proper place, and it’s pretty much the most bizarre thing ever. They’re literally trying to make decisions over crystals and buddha heads. Every time I picture someone moving out of a significant other’s home, I picture a cardboard box with CDs and sweatpants. I know nobody buys CDs anymore, but like… blame Gotye.
Oh, wait… they’re still together and very much in love. Yeah, I don’t get it, either.
Next, the shiny looking dude from Million Dollar Listing New York shows up to bitch at Bethenny.
She’s trying to sell her apartment, which he thinks is too fratty because it has a $40,000 bar.
Bethenny: You’re a real bitch-ass.
Then, Sonja goes on a date with Rocco (her Italian boyfriend) in Hoboken, New Jersey of all places. He literally shuts down a restaurant just for the two of them, and Sonja accidentally corners herself into a conversation about cheating. In case you haven’t been keeping up, she’s dating two guys, so she probably should steer clear of the subject.
Sonja: I’m between a Rocco and a hard place.
Anyway, after basically word vomiting for a few minutes, Sonja finally owns up and tells Rocco that she took home a “complete stranger from Paris.” Rocco kind of just like, gets over it and starts talking about that time he and Sonja “kissed on the lips.” Why are old people so fucking weird? Is it just the people on this show? Or does everyone start saying stuff like “kissing on the lips” when they get old? I’m not ready.
Dorinda and Carole go to the Women’s March in Washington which is probably the most empowering and positive moment any Real Housewives franchise has ever had. Everyone was chanting “We need a leader, not a creeper tweeter!” It was definitely an awesome moment in history. We also said the same thing in the New York march, and I for one am amazed at the organization of this event that even the chants were consistent across the country. Anyway.
Back in New York, Ramona is having a cocktail party to show off her new apartment. She also is rocking a ridiculous ponytail that every single person who walks in the door has to say something about.
Ramona: I’m showing off a new, modern, edgy apartment, so i’m going to have a look that matches. Edgy!!
Dorinda makes an entrance that’s basically comparable to Snooki showing up to the Jersey Shore house for the first time, and I think that she’s actually slowly becoming my favorite housewife.
Dorinda: Ramona, look at this look! It’s very severe. I’m not sure what to think of it.
Okay, yup. Dorinda might actually be my favorite.
Because Ramona can’t do anything without pissing at least three people off, she invited Harry. In case you have better things to do than keep track of the love triangles of the Real Housewives of New York City (how dare you!), he’s a dude that used to date Sonja and Luann. Carole thinks that Tinsley is probably the next to bang Harry, but Tins isn’t down, and it’s probably because he’s over the age of 25.
Luann’s still living on her own planet and thinks everyone is totally thrilled about her newfound marital bliss, when in reality, they’re just keeping their mouths shut and waiting for a disaster.
Luann: I’m so glad everyone’s happy for me.
Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll.
Of course, Bethenny’s not at the party, although she was invited. Ramona’s pretty excited that she got an RSVP from Bethenny, even though it was a no. She’s literally still talking about their falling out and I’m so over it. So is Dorinda, who basically tells her to blame it on the alcohol.
Dorinda: Take it from a pro! I use alcohol as an excuse ALL. THE. TIME.
Okay, confirmed. She’s my current fav.
The episode has a super boring ending, which is pretty much just everyone realizing that Ramona is a shit starter and her party is basically a cesspool of people who once dated. But like, isn’t every party they go to?