Nothing gets me in my feels like when I’m in the airport at the news stand and have free rein over what to buy for flight snacks. It’s giving “adult” in the best possible way because I’m buying my own food with my own money even if the sophistication of my palate is the equivalent to that of a 10-year-old’s (sorry, not sorry). There’s just something about treating yourself to some of the best childhood snacks to really hit you in the nostalgia.
Unless you’re still hoarding Quaker Chewy Granola Bars from your parents house, you probably haven’t actually eaten your fave snacks from when you were a kid in a while. And in an effort to ensure you’re not at war with your tastebuds, I’ve ranked them from worst to best. Listen, I know taste is subjective but if you’re getting all, “but Twinkies are the best!” about this ranking…grow up — it’s time to expand your appetite beyond all the shit we still deep fry at the county fair.
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10. Lunchables
I recall these being God’s literal gift to earth when I was a child — more specifically the pizza ones. I tested out the Pepperoni Pizza option and call me spoiled if you want to (I’m used to Brooklyn pizza), but it might be worse than eating cardboard. That said, if you’re anywhere other than the Northeast, this is probs a delicacy next to Digiorno. I personally wouldn’t touch the Cracker Stackers either but you do you (sorry, slimy deli meat circles just don’t hit the way they used to). Ultimately, there’s a time and a place for a Lunchable — and that’s likely in a long car ride trying to entertain yourself by spreading sugary tomato sauce on something that resembles bread with a red rectangular piece of plastic because your parents weren’t there to tell you not to. YAY for 13 grams of protein though!
9. Cheese Crackers
Considering I pretty much lived off of cheese and bread as a kid, these slapped. But, as an adult I just can’t get passed the trash powdery paste that’s being passed off as cheese. TBH, I’d rather eat a block of Velveeta. The crackers alone are stick crack though.
8. Cosmic Brownies
Okay Queen!!!! If you had these as a kid you were popular and you can’t change my mind. Cosmic Brownies have lived rent free in my brain since 6th grade when everyone at the lunch table had them except me so I was left bartering my chocolate milk for one of the sprinkles and a quarter square. My sweet memz of this cutie little snack were kind of ruined though after tasting them again as an adult. Where was the chocolately goodness I remembered??? They’re giving “dusty fudge” and while I’d eat it again for the nostalgia, I’d rather just make my own.
7. Fruit Roll Ups
Half the fun of these were wrapping them around your finger and eating them as if they were an extension of your finger nail. The idea of that now that I know what I know about germs makes them seem ~slightly~ less appetizing. While they taste the pretty much the same as I remembered, the only reason I’m going to buy them is to replicate the viral Fruit Roll Up ice cream hack that had everyone up in arms last year.
6. Pop Tarts
Not to be confused with it’s wannabe-pastry competitor, Toaster Strudel…Pop-Tarts (who’s inventor just passed away 😢 ) are the elite breakfast option (if you can call 33 grams of sugar a well-rounded breakfast). There’s a reason all the trendy brunch spots are making their own homemade version with some ridiculous name that doesn’t count as copyright infringement. Pro-Tip: actually try putting it in the toaster for once (something none of us did as a kid).
5. Goldfish
I feel like you were either a Goldfish house or a Cheezit house — my house was the former. And as someone who’s old enough to have friends with toddlers, Goldfish have swam (and smiled) their way back into my ecosystem and I’m not mad about it. They’re addicting as hell and there are so many flavors!!!
4. Pringles
WTF are in Pringles and why is it so hard to eat less than half the can at a time? Also can someone please explain why I still have the urge to put two in my mouth to create a duck beak? Either way, they still get a 10/10 for snackability. Low-key the best sour cream and onion chip in my book and I will not be taking questions at this time.
3. Gusher’s
I know, I know — they’re glorified candy!!! But that doesn’t make them any less delish, And yes, if you were wondering, they still come out of the package in a glob you have to pick apart. The red ones are the best and I will die on that hill.
2. Dunk-a-roos
Whoever made dipping a cookie into literal frosting socially acceptable should get a medal. The chocolate ones are way better, IMO.
1. Totino’s Pizza Rolls
You heard it here first — these should be a constant on the girl dinner rotation. So long as you don’t burn the shit out of your mouth by making the rookie mistake of eating one the second it gets out the of the oven, these little morsels are first class. Always have been, always will be. Only thing that makes them better from when you were a kid is putting them in the airfryer…Ah, I love technology.
