Pour One Out For Barbie, The OG Eldest Daughter

Barbie is everything. She’s a style icon, a successful career woman, and (this floors me as someone who hemorrhages money on rent) a homeowner several times over. Our girl is the ultimate Eldest Daughter.

If you’re unfamiliar with the plight of being the Eldest Daughter (LOL MUST BE NICE), here’s the gist. Eldest Daughter Syndrome refers to how eldest daughters in a family often get placed with an extra burden of responsibilities, spanning from additional chores or parenting younger siblings. And that can lead to an adulthood with anxiety, hyper-independence, perfectionism, burnout, a need to be in control, care-taking tendencies… the list goes on. While Eldest Daughter Syndrome isn’t like a formalized, diagnosed thing, it is a conversation worthy of millions of views on TikTok. And as an eldest daughter myself, I can attest that it sometimes feels like being the general manager, therapist, and secretary of your family. You are everything.

Dark. But you’re in good company.

Luckily for us, August 26 is saved for Eldest Daughter Day — Hallmark cards not included — so let’s use this holiday to break down why Barbie is patient zero of the Eldest Daughter Syndrome.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Where The Fuck Are Barbie’s Parents?

Barbie’s parents are completely AWOL. According to lore, Barbie was born Barbara Millicent Roberts to George and Margaret Roberts in Willows, Wisconsin. If this is news to you, that’s because, in her 64 years on Earth, there have never been dolls made of Barbie’s parents.

It begs the question of like, how deep is the neglect here? Like is this a Shameless situation where George and Margaret periodically burst into the Dream House to unleash whisky-soaked chaos? Do they at least eschew therapy and call Barbie during work asking how to add an attachment to an email when Stacie is right there?

And you could be like, “Oh, maybe Mattel doesn’t think little kids will want to play with middle-aged dolls.” Counterpoint: Midge, Barbie’s controversy-stirring best friend, has a mom and dad. They’re included in the 2003 Happy Family line because Midge gets the luxury of parental support so she can have a happy family of her own. I’M JUST SAYING, when Margaret calls up asking why Barbie and Ken haven’t settled down yet, I hope she stands her ground with, “Idk, Mom, maybe because I’m busy raising my sisters.”

Barbie’s Children Sisters

Image Credit: Amazon

Let’s talk about Barbie’s sisters because it’s a full Kardashian situation here. Y’all probably know Skipper, introduced in 1963 and memorably re-conceived with an army of crop tops as “Teen Skipper” in 1997. (Every member of Gen Z dresses like an edge-of-Y2K Skipper doll.) Stacie is next in line. Debuting in 1992, she’s “sporty” and nebulously a pre-teen. Finally there’s little Chelsea, who debuted as Kelly in 1995, and looks like a goddamn handful.

Barbie is baking Kelly-Chelsea’s birthday cake. Barbie is the coach of Stacie’s soccer team. Barbie is organizing the group birthday gift for George even though she told Skipper to do it. It would just be nice to throw her name on a card for once, but whatever, Skipper.

The point is that Barbie would give the shirt off her back to these girls. You can tell because there was literally a Sharin’ Sisters series in the ‘90s where they’re swapping around clothes. Like, for the love of God, Stacie, you can’t get your own acid wash vest and lace capris? What’s Barbie supposed to wear to the office now?

Barbie’s LinkedIn Is A Trip

That leads us to the final, most amazing point: Barbie can do anything. While being her sisters’ caretaker and substitute parent, Barbie thrived in over 200 careers. We’re talking school teacher, dentist, microbiologist, and a presumably dark stint as a circus performer. She’s been President more times than FDR, an astronaut who’s touched foot on the moon, and a nine-time Olympian. And do you know why? Because eldest daughters get things done.

Otherwise, IT WILL NOT GET DONE. We book the reservations for Mother’s Day brunch, we rush to our sister’s side when she gets dumped, and we GO ABOVE AND BEYOND TO PROVE OURSELVES IN ORDER TO FEEL THE LOVE WE GIVE SO FREELY TO EVERYONE ELSE. WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE AND WHY AM I SHOUTING?

How To Save Barbie From Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Anywaaaaaay. With the next generation of little girls in mind, I’d love to see Barbie get some support during playtime. There’s two ways to go about this.

1. We finally release parent dolls. Note: don’t include them in a set that’s like, “Skipper’s Sweet Sixteen!” or “Chelsea Graduates 1st Grade!” or “Stacie Got a B+ on Her Spanish Quiz!” FFS, those two better show up at Barbie’s next major triumph. OR…
2. We release Lisa, Barbie’s therapist! She comes with a Master’s from Rutgers, a PhD from NYU, and a much-needed box of (pink!) tissues. Press a button on her stomach to hear fun, healing, boundary-enforcing phrases like, “That’s not your responsibility!” and “Putting your phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ is a really big step forward!” A prescription for Lexapro is not included.