The Best 'Bachelorette' Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Men Tell All & Thank God There's Alcohol

This week on The Bachelorette, instead of finishing up with the fantasy suites or really giving us any sort of resolution from last week’s boring AF meet the parents episode, ABC chose to waste two hours of my life with the Men Tell All. Because we don’t get enough mansplaining in our everyday lives. Luckily for them, I can’t resist watching a group of grown-ass men wearing pastel pocket squares act like 14-year-old girls fighting over a lunch table.

The first 10 minutes consists of Chris Harrison revisiting his glory days the best Bachelor/Bachelorette moments from the Men Tell All episodes. Like, no need to try and convince me to watch this garbage. I’m already here. The alcohol has been bought.

We end this sad walk down memory lane with an ultrasound of JP and Ashley’s publicity stunt to stay relevant baby. I guess ABC thought it wasn’t enough that 60 percent of my Facebook newsfeed is selfies of my friends and every drunk girl I’ve ever befriended in the bathroom’s uteruses (your fetus looks like an alien btw), but now they must punish me further by watching Bachelor spawn float around in amniotic fluids? *pours drink*

Chris Harrison: Most seasons the mansion turns into one giant frat house, but this season we had to get production in there to fuck shit up was different.


Eye Roll

They’re introducing the men and I’m realizing that the Blue Moon I’m aggressively chugging has more testosterone in it than Rachel’s entire cast of suitors. If I see one more matching pocket square I will lose my goddamn mind. Also, I have never seen half of these people before in my damn life. I would bet my roommate’s the six pack sitting in my fridge rn that half these dudes are just random Instagram trash they found on the streets of LA. You’re not fooling anyone, ABC.

Lol I totally forgot about this completely scripted fight between Waboom and Blake. And then someone who made it to the final 5 opens his mouth to defend Blake. Who are you again?

Oh good, DeMario’s back. ABC must know I can’t sleep soundly until a fuckboy has whispered lies to me.

The entire cast jumps down DeMario’s throat over this whole Lexi thing, and yet, no one says shit about the whole Paradise scandal. I smell a cover-up.

Chris Harrison: Were you dating Lexi?

DeMario: Do you know the definition of “Side Chick”?

Chris Harrison: ….

DeMario: I didn’t even take a picture with her! Is there any actual “proof” that we dated??

Me: *tries to set DeMario on fire with eyes* *goes back to aggressively drinking alcohol*

Lol love that DaMario just compared himself and Lexi to a President of the United States and his mistress. Such a classic fuckboy move to defend your shady behavior by comparing yourself to other, more famous fuckboys.

DeMario: The way I see it, I’m like Bill Clinton



And now that we’ve sufficiently turned an entire studio audience and half of America against DeMario, let’s move on to the racist. Chris Harrison is so good at moving the conversation forward.

Dean trying to call Lee racist without using the R word or acknowledging that he low-key endorsed a racist comment on Instagram yesterday. At least you’re pretty.

Watching Kenny’s montage and all I can think is, seriously how fucking old is your child? Like, she’s so cute but old enough to rent a car. Forget this Kenny/Lee drama, Chris Harrison, I’d like to see this birth certificate!

Chris: What did you think about your dad going on the show?

McKenzie: Idk I’m just trying to get a car for my birthday.

Lol McKenzie shading Kenny for getting 10th in the competition is me as a child.

Now, that the 25-year-old paid actress Kenny’s kid has exited the stage I guess it’s time to bring out our president a racist asshole who cannot control himself on Twitter.

Lee Men Tell All

Lee: I just make jokes when I’m uncomfortable and at the wrong times.

Me & the viewers back home:

Are You Kidding Me

And OH SHIT. Chris Harrison brings out every racist, homophobic, anti-feminist tweet Lee has ever tweeted in his life. You have no chill, Chris. NO chill.

Lee looks terrified, like the audience and half the cast might shank him at any moment. I’m giddy from the drama.

Chris Harrison: *points to damning tweets*

Lee: I notice there’s some things that I need to work on… like my racism

DeMario is losing his shit over these tweets, meanwhile Will is looking at Lee like a disappointed dad. 

Disappointed Dad

^^Will watching Lee lose his damn mind on Twitter

THANK GOD, it’s Dean’s turn. I love when I get to spend quality time with my boyfriend a reality TV star I’ve never met before. The camera focuses on Dean and he talks about how he was dumped on national television after ABC used him for his family drama hometowns and then pans to a 14-year-old girl sobbing because they want you to remember that Dean is only 25. Subtle, ABC.

Watching Dean’s montage and all I can think is get you a man who will wear a camo blazer to a nationally televised event.

Dean Men Tell All

They bring Rachel out and once again my eyes are assaulted by her outfit choices. Rachel, WHY do you test me like this? I’ve already sat through 90 minutes of Waboom trying to stay relevant and the professional tickler sitting on a hand-shaped chair. Don’t do this to me.

It looks like that dress was part of someone’s Project Runway audition collection. But, like, the one Heidi and Nina talked shit about off-screen. At least her hair is on point though. Small victories.

Rachel Lindsay Men Tell All

Seriously, if anyone knows the name of her stylist please leave their name, number, and ALL of their social media handles in the comments section so I can properly reach out and have a conversation with them drag them on social media for what they’ve done to her.

The men are allowed to have one final conversation with Rachel before she is not contractually obligated to deal with their shit anymore. Fred cries. Kenny hits on her. Alex says nothing but his blazer says everything. Things like, you idiot, you never should have picked me to be second in your bracket.

Alex Bachelorette

^^Alex last night looking like he’ll steal your girl Bachelorette bracket victory

And that’s it for this episode! Thank god I spent two hours of my life watching Iggy try and interject into everyone’s drama every fucking second he could for more screen time. At least there was alcohol. I can’t wait to see next week’s shit show episode!

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).