The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: It’s Shanae’s World, We’re Just Living In It

Welcome back to the ~~Shanae Show~~ best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! If you, like me, tuned in this week thinking ABC would right course and actually produce a show about, say, a bachelor… think again, bitches! Clayton may want to find a wife, but Shanae wants to find swipe-up code deals, and by god, nothing is going to stand in her way. I can, at the very least, appreciate the hustle.

Someone Needs To Explain Gabby To Me

But before we jump into Shanae, I thought we’d briefly discuss the rest of the events from last night’s episode. There were two one-on-one dates this week: Serene and Gabby. Technically, Serene’s date spilled over from the previous week when ABC failed to adhere to any semblance of a linear timeline for the fourth week in a row. It appears ABC’s stance on producing episodes is the same as my kindergarten teacher’s stance on crayons when I asked to use a different one during color time: “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.”

Serene’s date was hot—and by that I mean, Serene is hot. When she showed up to that casual carnival date wearing the world’s smallest corset, my body, on a molecular level, convulsed at the thought of being constrained by that much boning. And she wasn’t even phased by it! She might as well be wearing long johns for all the discomfort she showed! I mean, my god, anatomically she must have the bone structure of Flubber. I want to know all of her secrets. Serene, if you’re reading this, be a doll and spill the beans about your health and wellness routine, mmkay? Unless it involves diet and exercise, in which case I’ll promptly discard said advice and continue with my current routine: ignorance and self-destruction.

Clayton is also smitten with Serene. At one point on the date he tells her that she “crushed it,” which is what every woman on a date with her maybe future husband hopes he’ll say to her. What’s next? A fist bump after sex? And look, I totally get why Clayton is into Serene. She’s hot and chill and seems to have all of her brain cells despite looking for a life partner on national television. Hell, I’m into Serene.

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What I don’t get is why everyone, Clayton included, is so obsessed with Gabby. Gabby got the second one-on-one date of the episode and, after a cursory perusal on the internet, is now the new fan favorite. May I just ask…. Why?

For those of you who don’t remember Gabby, she’s an ICU nurse and self-proclaimed “jokester” (more on this in a minute) who has the voice of a phone sex operator. (As a person with similarly challenged vocal fry, I say that with love). I suppose people like her because she’s not afraid to be silly—and by “silly” I mean pet other people’s dogs in public. Seriously. This seems to be the moment Clayton and the world fell in love with her. When she pet a stranger’s dog…

During the date Clayton kept saying how Gabby took him by surprise, and I second that sentiment. I’m surprised that this is all it takes to establish a personality. Clayton is like, “you’re so hilarious!” But is she?? Or does she just do basic human things and laugh while she’s doing them? He’s acting like Netflix should give her her own comedy special, for god’s sake. Also, this doesn’t mean that I hate Gabby. She seems like a cute girl or whatever. But that’s kind of all my feelings on her—and all the feelings I want to have about her. You know what I mean? #TeamSereneForever

Marlena Is Out For Blood

Speaking of funny girls, let’s talk about the group date. The group date, by design, requires a pound of flesh be delivered to the Bachelor/ette. In fact, I’m sure it’s contractually obligated. Sometimes ABC takes that to mean literal flesh, as is the case when the group date consists of Sparta-like competitions that have less rules and regulations than Fight Club. Sometimes ABC is satisfied with just taking their dignity, as is the case with group dates that rely on the contestants doing some type of performance. Enter: The Bachelor Roast. That’s right, after weeks of in-house drama, Clayton thought the perfect way to foster peace and harmony was to force the women to participate in a verbal open season. *turns up the volume*

I absolutely HATE when ABC does these kinds of dates because, as a person who dabbles in comedy writing, it actually offends my soul to watch these women butcher the English language for the sake of being “funny.” These are the same women who buy Marilyn Monroe art from Homegoods. They are not going to be good at writing jokes on the fly. They just aren’t. But far be it for me to make preemptive judgements. Let’s take a look at the “jokes”:

ELIZA: Clayton he has a dump truck ass, so why can’t he take out the trash?
SARAH: Mara is… OLD!!!
MARA: Sarah is… YOUNG!!!

The talent in that room is… staggering.

No one shines more than Marlena The Olympian. Whereas ABC would have been happy watching them ruin the remnants of their dignity, Marlena was out for actual blood. She was taking no fucking prisoners with her set. Not only does she compare Shanae to herpes but she outs another contestant for having IBS on national fucking television. Marlena! They said be funny, not to verbally slaughter the competition!

The “Worldwide International Journey” Continues

Watch out, Bachelor Nation, Clayton and the gang are on the move! This week the worldwide international journey continues… to Canada! Christ. Once again, ABC is using the term “travel” liberally. Technically, they are leaving the country. But also technically, my friend’s brother has talked his way in and out of Canada without a passport, so is it really even fair to call it international travel? They’re not even leaving the continent.

I do think my favorite part about this plot twist is ABC trying to make Canada seem like the most exotic place to travel by using b-roll of several normal looking buildings. Skyscrapers?? In a city?? Groundbreaking. Of course, the worldwide international journey would be nothing without its hype girl. By “hype girl” I’m of course referring to Clayton. At one point Clayton enthusiastically declares “this is a great place to fall in love!” which is a really bold thing to say about the set of Degrassi.

CLAYTON, ONE FOOT OVER THE CANADIAN BORDER:

Welcome Back To The Shanae Show

While ABC did show us footage of two one-on-one dates and a group date, the majority of the episode didn’t focus on these dates—or even on Clayton at all. Instead, ABC continued to pay ransom to Shanae and her hostage situation. During the rose ceremony, Clayton confronted Shanae about what really happened when she crashed the group date. You know, after they dry humped to completion on top of that bar.

CLAYTON TO SHANAE: I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy

SHANAE:

Shanae is, perhaps, one of my favorite villains. Instead of cowering behind her actions, she tells Clayton straight-up about what happened. She’s like, “I said what I said, what of it.” You can tell Clayton is trying to reconcile this version of Shanae with the woman who offered to give him an over-the-pants handie after the cameras stopped rolling.

Shanae can see that Clayton wants to keep her there—he’d love to see how this psycho energy plays out in Fantasy Suites—but he needs her to do something so he can save face with the rest of the women. Copy that. Picking up what he’s putting down, Shanae pokes herself in the eyes to generate some tears and marches out to give the girls a flimsy apology for her bad behavior. I’ll give her snaps for her bravery. She is making direct eye contact with the angry mob. An angry mob of her own making, sure, but an angry mob all the same. Some of the girls accept her apology immediately, if only because they still believe Clayton will send her home. Idiots. The other girls look like they would like to test how flammable her spray tan actually is.

Cut to Clayton rewarding Shanae’s “good” behavior with his tongue down her throat as production layers audio of Shanae laughing maniacally over the footage. Psych, bitches! She’s not sorry for shit. A sociopath acting like a sociopath? What a reveal.

THE WOMEN DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY: *tentatively smiles at Shanae*
SHANAE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY:

It does not surprise me at all that Clayton gives Shanae the last rose at the rose ceremony. The man likes a little light choking and if anyone in that group of women gets off on controlling another person’s oxygen levels, it’s Shanae. The heart wants what it wants, I suppose.

But wait! The plot thickens! Just when Shanae thinks she’s in the clear, we learn that Shanae and Genevieve are going on the dreaded two-on-one date. Two girls go in, only one girl comes out. ABC likes to imply that one person will be murdered and not just, like, dumped by someone they’ve been dating for maybe two dates. K.

Of course, the footage from that date will not air until next week because once they get rid of Shanae they’ll actually have to focus on Clayton and… who really wants that?

Roses & Eliminations

Did you think that just because we’re almost halfway through the season, ABC would finally start treating episodes with any sort of logical, linear progression? Lol, that’s cute. This week’s episode contained some dates from the previous week (Serene’s one-on-one and the rose ceremony) and some more recent dates (Gabby’s one-on-one, the group date, the start of the two-on-one). My favorite jewelry create less of a tangled web when I travel than ABC’s typical narrative structure. But I digress. Here’s a breakdown of roses + eliminations:

Roses: