Catch up on last week’s Bachelor recap here!
After watching the Golden Globes Sunday night, I’m feeling like this is a good week to be a woman. I just watched Oprah
give her first presidential campaign speech inspire people with her acceptance speech, and now literally anything can happen. Everyone, we are so fucking blessed. So after a night of watching women lift up other women, I guess it’s time to tune in for a night of women tearing down other women emotionally, physically, and spiritually for a man who’s pushing 40 and has feminine hand gestures. *sips wine* K, I guess I’m ready now.
The episode opens with Arie riding in on his motorcycle looking like Tim Allen’s stunt guy in Wild Hogs.
Seriously, that shit is uncanny.
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
The first date card is presented to the girls, and I always forget the level of desperation at this stage in the game. Chris Harrison is, like, trying to make uncomfortable small talk with the group. Meanwhile, the girls are looking at the him like he’s the last bagel they ate in 2010 and still dream about from time to time.
Becca K gets the first date card, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen this girl before in my entire damn life. Did she get out of a limo last week? I
blacked out can’t remember. More importantly, which producer did she blow to get the first one-on-one?
Pretty Woman must be Arie’s favorite movie, because he forces Becca K to reenact every scene with him during this weird AF styling date. Like, what am I even watching rn? Also, Rachel Zoe, you are better than this!
Y’all, if a guy ever opened a present he got for me and said “these are Louboutins” in such reverent tones, I would laugh in his homosexual face. Just saying.
Also, let’s take a step back and analyze this date for a hot second, shall we? Arie’s idea of a “good time” involves watching a girl try on dresses, buying her new shoes, and giving her overall styling advice. He does realize the goal at the end of all of this is to have the girls actually want to sleep with him and not just call him for outfit advice before a date with someone they actually want to bang, right? Cause it’s unclear to me rn.
And Arie, word of advice, if Becca wanted a sugar daddy she would have just gone to the local golf clubhouse in West Palm Beach. She knew coming on this show she would be dating a former failed race car driver and current real estate agent. No need to let her believe you can live beyond your means.
Arie sends Becca back to the mansion with diamonds and an entire fucking new wardrobe, which is a bold move on his part. He’s either super into her or he straight-up hates her and hopes that the bloodthirsty mob waiting for her back at the mansion will cut her before he has to at the next rose ceremony. Seriously, Becca, watch your back, girlfriend. Bibiana looks like she’s got a shiv with your name on it.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Krystal aka the girl who led with “I’m a Libra” gets the second one-on-one date of the week. I guess whispering the intimate details of her Hinge profile into Arie’s ear that first night really paid off for her. Interesting.
God, I don’t know if I can watch this date. Krystal is literally the embodiment of every New Year’s resolution I’ve failed to follow through with. I can’t root for this.
So their first date is a casual trip to another state to frolic around Arie’s hometown? I would rather peel off my flesh with a rusty spoon than listen to a guy relive his high school glory days on the first date but, ya know, to each their own.
KRYSTAL: So why choose me for this date?
ARIE: Well you said you’d never been to Scottsdale before and I was, like, sure she can come.
Yeah, that bond is deep.
Okay, if ANY guy, televised or not, just sprung a last-minute “meet the parents” on me after 15 minutes of dating I would call the fucking cops on him.
So….is it just me or…. Does Arie’s mom look a lot like Krystal? And I’m not talking mother-daughter resemblance here either. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Mrs. Luyendyk? Do you and Krystal both like dipping Oreos in peanut butter?
Krystal keeps talking about how scared she is to open up and how she’s been scorned by love, and all I can think is, “I really hope someone slips this girl some gluten.” Watching her try to hide an internal battle with indigestion while keeping that fake smile plastered to her face is literally the only thing that could make this date interesting for me.
I love how Krystal is trying to make divorce her sob story. She’s like “my parents split up and then my mom wouldn’t buy me a comforter, which is why I have trust issues with men.” ….K. Like, Krystal, you didn’t spend your formative years in foster care or locked up in a basement. Your parents just got divorced. Like 70 percent of the rest of the world. You’re not special.
ARIE: Wow, I love your story. Thanks for sharing with me, I really hope you get the movie rights for it soon. Powerful stuff.
THE GROUP DATE
Arie decides that a great idea for the group date is for the girls, who have done nothing for the past 48 hours except sit at the mansion seething in jealousy and chugging white wine spritzers, is to crash cars into one another—but it’s all in good fun!! Yeah, this seems less like a wholesome date and more like it might end in the death of the weakest member in the group. May the odds be ever in your favor, ladies!
ANNALIESE: This is hard for me to say, but I have a bumper cars trauma. I’ve been traumatized by bumper cars.
ARIE: Wait is this serious?
Alright, Jenny is real AF. I’m Team Jenny, aka the team that talks shit, from now on. I mean, will she last past this episode? Probs not. She’s spent more time talking to the camera than to Arie, but that’s neither here nor there.
Tbh my favorite part about this episode is Chris Harrison shading the fuck out of Arie before this race. Chris is like “will Arie actually win? He’s never won anything in his entire miserable life ever” and it’s like, Chris, isn’t your sole purpose on this show to build him up??
I love that when these bitches try to fuck up Arie and his car it’s called “flirting” and “going after what they want” but when I do it to my boyfriend it’s a “criminal act”?
Holy shit. Brittany couldn’t make it to the cocktail hour because of injuries? And no one is concerned about this?? Why is everyone laughing when Arie tells them this news??
Chelsea immediately steals Arie away at the cocktail hour. I don’t like that she’s using her 3-year-old as a way to get Arie to stick his tongue down her throat. It’s v unsettling.
Okay Seinne is beautiful, a Yale graduate, well-traveled, and can run down bitches with her in her sleep. Why is she on this show again?
SEINNE: …and then last year I solved world peace.
ARIE: When I graduated my dad had to bribe the manager of Pizza Hut to give me a job.
*throws wine glass at TV* YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE. Seinne, sweetie, you’re way too good for this shit.
^^me trying to figure out why the fuck Seinne is on this show.
I’ve never been more disturbed in my life than watching Arie and Baby Bekah (I’m never calling her anything else) flirt with each other. Arie is just like “I liked watching you paint that car you, bad girl.” SHE’S NOT EVEN FUCKING LEGAL, ARIE. Stop creeping me out before I call To Catch A Predator on your ass.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Arie continues to make out with Baby Bekah, and I continue to try not and vomit into my rosé. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. But, seriously, I haven’t seen an alcoholic drink in this girl’s hand once. Can I get an ID check, please?
Meanwhile, the entire mansion is planning ways to murder Krystal and get away with it. I’m so here for it. Girls, let me know if you need me to bring a shovel to bury the body!
Bibiana starts to lose it after Krystal interrupts to steal Arie away for the second time and, honestly, she’s not wrong. Here’s hoping Bibiana shoves that rose right up Krystal’s ass, because otherwise wtf am I doing here?
BIBIANA: Do your workout, and meditate for a little bit on the hole you just dug for yourself. Mic drop, bitch.
Moving on to the rose ceremony, Bedazzled Banana Valerie (whose outfits I’m v sad I’ll never be able to shade again in a recap), Lauren G, and Jenny all get sent home. All the girls take it like
champs someone who just got dumped on national television and are contractually obligated not to beat the shit out of their ex, except for Jenny, who refuses to touch or make eye contact with Arie. I knew I liked this girl.
*slow claps* Wooowwww that was one savage af exit. I didn’t know you had it in you, girlfriend. Points for
ignoring ABC’s exit clause in The Bachelor contract acting like you don’t give a shit, but you lost me when you said “I’m not sad about you, I’m just going to miss my friends.” We all know no one’s here to make friends. Let’s get real and say you’ll miss the Instagram followers and the constant day drinking, mkay?
Until next week, betches!
Did you know we have a podcast where we talk shit about The Bachelor, and only The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor podcast here!