ABC Admits Nobody Knows Who TF Arie Luyendyk Jr. Is

It’s been a casual five years since Arie Luyendyk Jr. was Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette, so here’s a math problem for you: First, add up all the contestants that have competed on The Bachelorette since Arie’s season. Take that number and multiply it by the 3 Bachelor franchise shows we have each year. What you get is roughly the number of opportunities Bachelor Nation has had to forget literally anything they knew about Arie Whateverthefuck Jr. In their new season 22 promo, The Bachelor is leaning hard into the “Who TF Is This Guy?” angle (aka the only angle they have to play apart from “Race Car Man”) by literally begging everyone to rewatch his season and relive the glory of your college years fall in love with Arie all over again.

^ ^ Click To Watch ^ ^

The promo literally begins with an announcer saying “Just who is our new Bachelor Arie?” aka the question we’ve all been asking since we found out that it was him and not our beloved Peter. The rest of the promo is spent just kind of sadly begging you to go on and reminding you about the whole race car driver thing. The promo, sadly, does not really provide any information other than what we already have, but here are five confirmed things we know about Arie after watching:

1. Arie Luyendyk Jr. Was, In Fact, On The Bachelorette

If you had any doubt about whether or not this guy was actually a contestant, rest assured, he was. There’s even footage of it. In fact, you can watch this footage on

2. He Is A Race Car Driver

Say it louder for the people in the back: Arie is a race car driver. He drives a race car to. He drives a race car fro. He drives it frontwards. He drives it backwards. Race cars. He drives them.

3. He Got Dumped

Arie Luyendyk Jr

Like the bottom 99% of Bachelor franchise contestants, Arie walked away without a shred of dignity a soulmate, but now he’s back for a second chance at love. Actually, probably a fourth or fifth chance. He’s definitely dated in the past five years. I mean, we did an interview with his ex

4. His Hair Used To Be Brown

Knock off Peter Arie’s hair is gray now, but it was once brown. Who knows what else about Arie has changed in the past five years? Has he gained weight? Has he lost weight? Maybe he got a tattoo or some shit? I’m on the edge of my seat.

5. He Was Nicknamed “The Kissing Bandit”

And I’m calling the police.

Arie’s season doesn’t premier until January 2018, so ABC has a ton more time to answer our very pressing questions about the new Bachelor. Most importantly, does he even go here?

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.